Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 19

I'm desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

No matter how you care to define it, I do not identify with the local group. Planet, species, race, nation, state, religion, party, union, club, association, neighborhood improvement committee; I have no interest in any of it. I love and treasure individuals as I meet them, I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to.

I believe you can joke about anything.

The following statement is true. The previous statement is false.

I don't think we should be governing ourselves. What need is a king, and every now and then if the king’s not doing a good job, we kill him.

You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.

If a movie is described as a romantic comedy, you can usually find me next door playing pinball.

Of course, in Los Angeles, everything is based on driving, even the killings. In New York, most people don't have cars, so if you want to kill a person, you have to take the subway to their house. And sometimes on the way, the train is delayed and you get impatient, so you have to kill someone on the subway. That's why there are so many subway murders; no one has a car.

Catholic - which I was until I reached the age of reason.

You ever notice the first thing someone says when they can't find something is that it was stolen? They say "who stole it?!". It's an ego defense. They can't stand the fact that they might have been stupid enough to have lost something.

Why keep trotting out this Billy Graham character? He has nothing to say and basically no one gives a fuck.

Where does the dentist go when he leaves the room?

Spirituality: the last refuge of a failed human. Just another way of distracting you from who you really are.

Regarding local residents attempting to ban sex shops from their neighborhoods: you show me a parent who says he's worried about his child's innocence and I'll show you a homeowner trying to maintain equity.