Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 19
Of course, in Los Angeles, everything is based on driving, even the killings. In New York, most people don't have cars, so if you want to kill a person, you have to take the subway to their house. And sometimes on the way, the train is delayed and you get impatient, so you have to kill someone on the subway. That's why there are so many subway murders; no one has a car.
I'm desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
Regarding local residents attempting to ban sex shops from their neighborhoods: you show me a parent who says he's worried about his child's innocence and I'll show you a homeowner trying to maintain equity.
The following statement is true. The previous statement is false.
If a movie is described as a romantic comedy, you can usually find me next door playing pinball.
Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.”
I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
You know who would make an interesting murder-suicide? Madeline Albright and Yanni.
You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.
The Christians gave Him Sunday, the Jews gave Him Saturday, and the Muslims gave Him Friday. God has a three-day weekend.