Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 19

Singing is basically a form of pleasant, controlled screaming.

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

Of course, in Los Angeles, everything is based on driving, even the killings. In New York, most people don't have cars, so if you want to kill a person, you have to take the subway to their house. And sometimes on the way, the train is delayed and you get impatient, so you have to kill someone on the subway. That's why there are so many subway murders; no one has a car.

Always do whatever's next.

I'm desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

Regarding local residents attempting to ban sex shops from their neighborhoods: you show me a parent who says he's worried about his child's innocence and I'll show you a homeowner trying to maintain equity.

I believe you can joke about anything.

Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.”

You know who I pray to? Joe Pesci. Two reasons: First of all, I think he's a good actor, okay? To me, that counts. Second, he looks like a guy who can get things done. Joe Pesci doesn't fuck around. In fact, Joe Pesci came through on a couple of things that God was having trouble with.

If a movie is described as a romantic comedy, you can usually find me next door playing pinball.

You know who would make an interesting murder-suicide? Madeline Albright and Yanni.

The following statement is true. The previous statement is false.

The Christians gave Him Sunday, the Jews gave Him Saturday, and the Muslims gave Him Friday. God has a three-day weekend.

You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.

I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.