Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 20

Spirituality: the last refuge of a failed human. Just another way of distracting you from who you really are.

There are no innocent fucking victims. If you live on this planet you're guilty - period - Fuck you - End of report - Next case.

America: where Irish, English, Germans, Scandinavians, Poles and Italians come together to kill Indians, lynch niggers and beat the shit out of spics and Jews.

You know who I pray to? Joe Pesci. Two reasons: First of all, I think he's a good actor, okay? To me, that counts. Second, he looks like a guy who can get things done. Joe Pesci doesn't fuck around. In fact, Joe Pesci came through on a couple of things that God was having trouble with.

You ever notice the first thing someone says when they can't find something is that it was stolen? They say "who stole it?!". It's an ego defense. They can't stand the fact that they might have been stupid enough to have lost something.

You know who would make an interesting murder-suicide? Madeline Albright and Yanni.

If your kid needs a role model and you ain't it, you're both fucked.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.

And off we go, out onto the highway looking for a little fun. Perhaps a flatbed truck loaded with human cadavers will explode in front of a Star Trek reunion. One can only dream and hope.

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

Oh Beautiful for smoggy skies, insecticided grain,<br /> For strip-mined mountain's majesty above the asphalt plain.<br /> America, America, man sheds his waste on thee,<br /> And hides the pines with billboard signs, from sea to oily sea.

Hey! Time for a few fart jokes! Where would a comedy show be without a few fart jokes?

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

It was my uncle who taught me about the birds and the bees. He sat me down one day and said, "Remember this, George, the birds fuck the bees." Then he told me he once banged a girl so hard her freckles came off.