Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 20

Catholic - which I was until I reached the age of reason.

Where does the dentist go when he leaves the room?

America: where Irish, English, Germans, Scandinavians, Poles and Italians come together to kill Indians, lynch niggers and beat the shit out of spics and Jews.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

Spirituality: the last refuge of a failed human. Just another way of distracting you from who you really are.

Why keep trotting out this Billy Graham character? He has nothing to say and basically no one gives a fuck.

You know who I pray to? Joe Pesci. Two reasons: First of all, I think he's a good actor, okay? To me, that counts. Second, he looks like a guy who can get things done. Joe Pesci doesn't fuck around. In fact, Joe Pesci came through on a couple of things that God was having trouble with.

And off we go, out onto the highway looking for a little fun. Perhaps a flatbed truck loaded with human cadavers will explode in front of a Star Trek reunion. One can only dream and hope.

Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.

As far as I’m concerned, humans have not come up with a belief that’s worth believing.

Oh Beautiful for smoggy skies, insecticided grain,<br /> For strip-mined mountain's majesty above the asphalt plain.<br /> America, America, man sheds his waste on thee,<br /> And hides the pines with billboard signs, from sea to oily sea.

You ever notice the first thing someone says when they can't find something is that it was stolen? They say "who stole it?!". It's an ego defense. They can't stand the fact that they might have been stupid enough to have lost something.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

It’s way beyond ironic that a place called the Holy Land is the location of the fiercest most deeply felt hatred in the world.

If your kid needs a role model and you ain't it, you're both fucked.