Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 20

As far as I’m concerned, humans have not come up with a belief that’s worth believing.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

Catholic - which I was until I reached the age of reason.

There are no innocent fucking victims. If you live on this planet you're guilty - period - Fuck you - End of report - Next case.

Where does the dentist go when he leaves the room?

Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.

America: where Irish, English, Germans, Scandinavians, Poles and Italians come together to kill Indians, lynch niggers and beat the shit out of spics and Jews.

And off we go, out onto the highway looking for a little fun. Perhaps a flatbed truck loaded with human cadavers will explode in front of a Star Trek reunion. One can only dream and hope.

Why keep trotting out this Billy Graham character? He has nothing to say and basically no one gives a fuck.

Oh Beautiful for smoggy skies, insecticided grain,<br /> For strip-mined mountain's majesty above the asphalt plain.<br /> America, America, man sheds his waste on thee,<br /> And hides the pines with billboard signs, from sea to oily sea.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

Spirituality: the last refuge of a failed human. Just another way of distracting you from who you really are.

You ever notice the first thing someone says when they can't find something is that it was stolen? They say "who stole it?!". It's an ego defense. They can't stand the fact that they might have been stupid enough to have lost something.

If your kid needs a role model and you ain't it, you're both fucked.

It’s way beyond ironic that a place called the Holy Land is the location of the fiercest most deeply felt hatred in the world.