Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 20

I don't think we should be governing ourselves. What need is a king, and every now and then if the king’s not doing a good job, we kill him.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

It was my uncle who taught me about the birds and the bees. He sat me down one day and said, "Remember this, George, the birds fuck the bees." Then he told me he once banged a girl so hard her freckles came off.

Why keep trotting out this Billy Graham character? He has nothing to say and basically no one gives a fuck.

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

You know who I pray to? Joe Pesci. Two reasons: First of all, I think he's a good actor, okay? To me, that counts. Second, he looks like a guy who can get things done. Joe Pesci doesn't fuck around. In fact, Joe Pesci came through on a couple of things that God was having trouble with.

I think I am, therefore, I am. I think.

Regarding local residents attempting to ban sex shops from their neighborhoods: you show me a parent who says he's worried about his child's innocence and I'll show you a homeowner trying to maintain equity.

A man came up to me on the street and said I used to be messed up out of my mind on drugs but now I'm messed up out of my mind on Jeeesus Chriiist.

I am a personal optimist but a skeptic about all else. What may sound to some like anger is really nothing more than sympathetic contempt. I view my species with a combination of wonder and pity, and I root for its destruction. And please don't confuse my point of view with cynicism; the real cynics are the ones who tell you everything's gonna be all right.

Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.

Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.”

I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.

You know who would make an interesting murder-suicide? Madeline Albright and Yanni.

I never joined the Boy Scouts. I don’t trust any organization that has a handbook.