Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 20

The Christians gave Him Sunday, the Jews gave Him Saturday, and the Muslims gave Him Friday. God has a three-day weekend.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

America: where Irish, English, Germans, Scandinavians, Poles and Italians come together to kill Indians, lynch niggers and beat the shit out of spics and Jews.

You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we have no idea where she is.

Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.”

Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

You know who would make an interesting murder-suicide? Madeline Albright and Yanni.

I think I am, therefore, I am. I think.

If your kid needs a role model and you ain't it, you're both fucked.

There are no innocent fucking victims. If you live on this planet you're guilty - period - Fuck you - End of report - Next case.

Hey! Time for a few fart jokes! Where would a comedy show be without a few fart jokes?

You know who I pray to? Joe Pesci. Two reasons: First of all, I think he's a good actor, okay? To me, that counts. Second, he looks like a guy who can get things done. Joe Pesci doesn't fuck around. In fact, Joe Pesci came through on a couple of things that God was having trouble with.

Scientists announced today that they have discovered a cure for apathy. However, they claim no one has shown the slightest interest in it.

Oh Beautiful for smoggy skies, insecticided grain,<br /> For strip-mined mountain's majesty above the asphalt plain.<br /> America, America, man sheds his waste on thee,<br /> And hides the pines with billboard signs, from sea to oily sea.