Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 21

Hey! Time for a few fart jokes! Where would a comedy show be without a few fart jokes?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?

I think I am, therefore, I am. I think.

It was my uncle who taught me about the birds and the bees. He sat me down one day and said, "Remember this, George, the birds fuck the bees." Then he told me he once banged a girl so hard her freckles came off.

I grew up in New York wanting to be like those funny men in the movies and on the radio.

You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we have no idea where she is.

A cat will blink when struck with a hammer.

I don’t have pet peeves - I have major psychotic fucking hatreds!

A lot of times when they catch a guy who killed twenty-seven people, they say, "He was a loner." Well, of course he was a loner; he killed everyone he came in contact with.

Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.

Think off-center.

I never joined the Boy Scouts. I don’t trust any organization that has a handbook.

Avoid teams at all cost. Keep your circle small. Never join a group that has a name.

Who would have thought that the manufacturing of sticks would be outsourced to China?