Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 21

Hey! Time for a few fart jokes! Where would a comedy show be without a few fart jokes?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

It was my uncle who taught me about the birds and the bees. He sat me down one day and said, "Remember this, George, the birds fuck the bees." Then he told me he once banged a girl so hard her freckles came off.

Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?

A cat will blink when struck with a hammer.

I don’t have pet peeves - I have major psychotic fucking hatreds!

I think I am, therefore, I am. I think.

You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we have no idea where she is.

Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.

I grew up in New York wanting to be like those funny men in the movies and on the radio.

Think off-center.

Scientists announced today that they have discovered a cure for apathy. However, they claim no one has shown the slightest interest in it.

A lot of times when they catch a guy who killed twenty-seven people, they say, "He was a loner." Well, of course he was a loner; he killed everyone he came in contact with.

If a painting can be forged well enough to fool experts, why is the original so valuable?

Avoid teams at all cost. Keep your circle small. Never join a group that has a name.