Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 21
It was my uncle who taught me about the birds and the bees. He sat me down one day and said, "Remember this, George, the birds fuck the bees." Then he told me he once banged a girl so hard her freckles came off.
Avoid teams at all cost. Keep your circle small. Never join a group that has a name.
I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
It’s way beyond ironic that a place called the Holy Land is the location of the fiercest most deeply felt hatred in the world.
Don't confuse me with those who cling to hope. I enjoy describing how things are, I have no interest in how they "ought to be". And I certainly have no interest in fixing them. I sincerely believe that if you think there's a solution, you're part of the problem. My motto: Fuck Hope!
A lot of times when they catch a guy who killed twenty-seven people, they say, "He was a loner." Well, of course he was a loner; he killed everyone he came in contact with.
Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.
Oh Beautiful for smoggy skies, insecticided grain,<br /> For strip-mined mountain's majesty above the asphalt plain.<br /> America, America, man sheds his waste on thee,<br /> And hides the pines with billboard signs, from sea to oily sea.
Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink, I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck.
I went through the usual stages: imp, rascal, scalawag, whippersnapper. And, of course, after that it's just a small step to full-blown sociopath.