Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 21

It was my uncle who taught me about the birds and the bees. He sat me down one day and said, "Remember this, George, the birds fuck the bees." Then he told me he once banged a girl so hard her freckles came off.

Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?

Avoid teams at all cost. Keep your circle small. Never join a group that has a name.

And off we go, out onto the highway looking for a little fun. Perhaps a flatbed truck loaded with human cadavers will explode in front of a Star Trek reunion. One can only dream and hope.

A cat will blink when struck with a hammer.

I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.

I don’t have pet peeves - I have major psychotic fucking hatreds!

You never see a smiling runner.

As far as I’m concerned, humans have not come up with a belief that’s worth believing.

Don't confuse me with those who cling to hope. I enjoy describing how things are, I have no interest in how they "ought to be". And I certainly have no interest in fixing them. I sincerely believe that if you think there's a solution, you're part of the problem. My motto: Fuck Hope!

A lot of times when they catch a guy who killed twenty-seven people, they say, "He was a loner." Well, of course he was a loner; he killed everyone he came in contact with.

I went through the usual stages: imp, rascal, scalawag, whippersnapper. And, of course, after that it's just a small step to full-blown sociopath.

Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.