Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 21
They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn’t your biggest problem.
I didn't wash today. I wasn't dirty. If I'm not dirty, I don't wash. Some weeks I don't have to shower at all. I just groom my three basic areas: teeth, hair, and asshole. And to save time, I use the same brush.
I don’t have pet peeves - I have major psychotic fucking hatreds!
If your kid needs a role model and you ain't it, you're both fucked.
Oh Beautiful for smoggy skies, insecticided grain,<br /> For strip-mined mountain's majesty above the asphalt plain.<br /> America, America, man sheds his waste on thee,<br /> And hides the pines with billboard signs, from sea to oily sea.
Hey! Time for a few fart jokes! Where would a comedy show be without a few fart jokes?
The Christians gave Him Sunday, the Jews gave Him Saturday, and the Muslims gave Him Friday. God has a three-day weekend.
As far as I’m concerned, humans have not come up with a belief that’s worth believing.
I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.
Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink, I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck.