Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 22

I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

It’s way beyond ironic that a place called the Holy Land is the location of the fiercest most deeply felt hatred in the world.

I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary.

If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times, does he become disoriented?

And off we go, out onto the highway looking for a little fun. Perhaps a flatbed truck loaded with human cadavers will explode in front of a Star Trek reunion. One can only dream and hope.

When you stress individualism, as this country does; materialism, as this country does; personal weaponry, as this country does; and racial hatred, which is part of our heritage as white Europeans; and then you add the volatile ingredient of nothing.

I grew up in New York wanting to be like those funny men in the movies and on the radio.

Don't confuse me with those who cling to hope. I enjoy describing how things are, I have no interest in how they "ought to be". And I certainly have no interest in fixing them. I sincerely believe that if you think there's a solution, you're part of the problem. My motto: Fuck Hope!

I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.

Beethoven was so hard of hearing, he thought he was a painter.

Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink, I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck.

I do this real moron thing, and it's called thinking. And apparently I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

You never see a smiling runner.

History is not happenstance: it is conspiratorial. Carefully planned and executed by people in power.

Is a vegetarian permitted to eat animal crackers?