Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 22

You never see a smiling runner.

I never joined the Boy Scouts. I don’t trust any organization that has a handbook.

Who would have thought that the manufacturing of sticks would be outsourced to China?

I went through the usual stages: imp, rascal, scalawag, whippersnapper. And, of course, after that it's just a small step to full-blown sociopath.

Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.

“Meow” means “woof” in cat.

It's never just a game when you're winning.

One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like.

Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink, I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck.

Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.

Don't confuse me with those who cling to hope. I enjoy describing how things are, I have no interest in how they "ought to be". And I certainly have no interest in fixing them. I sincerely believe that if you think there's a solution, you're part of the problem. My motto: Fuck Hope!

If a piece requires some specific inflection, I'll record it. I take a lot of notes, and later categorize them, combining them alongside existing ideas, and eventually put a piece together.

Is there another word for synonym?

I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.

Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.