Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 22

It’s way beyond ironic that a place called the Holy Land is the location of the fiercest most deeply felt hatred in the world.

Who would have thought that the manufacturing of sticks would be outsourced to China?

If a painting can be forged well enough to fool experts, why is the original so valuable?

Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.

Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink, I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck.

Think off-center.

Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.

People who see life as anything more than pure entertainment are missing the point.

I am a personal optimist but a skeptic about all else. What may sound to some like anger is really nothing more than sympathetic contempt. I view my species with a combination of wonder and pity, and I root for its destruction. And please don't confuse my point of view with cynicism; the real cynics are the ones who tell you everything's gonna be all right.

“Meow” means “woof” in cat.

If a piece requires some specific inflection, I'll record it. I take a lot of notes, and later categorize them, combining them alongside existing ideas, and eventually put a piece together.

Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.

If someone loves you and they leave and don't come back, it was never meant to be. If someone loves you and they leave and come back, set them on fire.

Why are a "wise man" and a "wiseguy" opposites?

In most polls there are always about 5 percent of the people who "don't know." What isn't generally understood is that it's the same people in every poll.