Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 22

Who would have thought that the manufacturing of sticks would be outsourced to China?

Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.

If a painting can be forged well enough to fool experts, why is the original so valuable?

People who see life as anything more than pure entertainment are missing the point.

Think off-center.

Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.

I am a personal optimist but a skeptic about all else. What may sound to some like anger is really nothing more than sympathetic contempt. I view my species with a combination of wonder and pity, and I root for its destruction. And please don't confuse my point of view with cynicism; the real cynics are the ones who tell you everything's gonna be all right.

If a piece requires some specific inflection, I'll record it. I take a lot of notes, and later categorize them, combining them alongside existing ideas, and eventually put a piece together.

“Meow” means “woof” in cat.

And off we go, out onto the highway looking for a little fun. Perhaps a flatbed truck loaded with human cadavers will explode in front of a Star Trek reunion. One can only dream and hope.

Why are a "wise man" and a "wiseguy" opposites?

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

I don’t have pet peeves - I have major psychotic fucking hatreds!

I never joined the Boy Scouts. I don’t trust any organization that has a handbook.

Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.