Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 22

Scientists announced today that they have discovered a cure for apathy. However, they claim no one has shown the slightest interest in it.

You never see a smiling runner.

If a painting can be forged well enough to fool experts, why is the original so valuable?

“Meow” means “woof” in cat.

It's never just a game when you're winning.

One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like.

Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.

Is a vegetarian permitted to eat animal crackers?

I went through the usual stages: imp, rascal, scalawag, whippersnapper. And, of course, after that it's just a small step to full-blown sociopath.

Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.

Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink, I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck.

Is there another word for synonym?

I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.