Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 23

Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.

How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes... dies.

It's never just a game when you're winning.

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like.

If someone loves you and they leave and don't come back, it was never meant to be. If someone loves you and they leave and come back, set them on fire.

What wine goes with Captain Crunch?

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him... is he still wrong?

Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.

A good motto to live by: "Always try not to get killed."

If acting was hard for me, I wouldn`t do it, it is something that I like to do.

You're really spread out now, you've got stuff all over the world! You've got stuff at home, stuff in storage, stuff in Honolulu, stuff in Maui, stuff in your pockets... supply lines are getting longer and harder to maintain.

I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.

Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.