Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 23

It's never just a game when you're winning.

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

I never joined the Boy Scouts. I don’t trust any organization that has a handbook.

You're really spread out now, you've got stuff all over the world! You've got stuff at home, stuff in storage, stuff in Honolulu, stuff in Maui, stuff in your pockets... supply lines are getting longer and harder to maintain.

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like.

I grew up in New York wanting to be like those funny men in the movies and on the radio.

They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn’t your biggest problem.

I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him... is he still wrong?

How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes... dies.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary.

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

If acting was hard for me, I wouldn`t do it, it is something that I like to do.