Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 23

Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary.

Beethoven was so hard of hearing, he thought he was a painter.

When you stress individualism, as this country does; materialism, as this country does; personal weaponry, as this country does; and racial hatred, which is part of our heritage as white Europeans; and then you add the volatile ingredient of nothing.

Don't confuse me with those who cling to hope. I enjoy describing how things are, I have no interest in how they "ought to be". And I certainly have no interest in fixing them. I sincerely believe that if you think there's a solution, you're part of the problem. My motto: Fuck Hope!

We created god in our own image and likeness!

If you’ve got a cat and a leg, you’ve got a happy cat. If you’ve got a cat and two legs, you’ve got a party.

George Washington’s brother, Lawrence, was the Uncle of Our Country.

Who would have thought that the manufacturing of sticks would be outsourced to China?

"No comment" is a comment.

I grew up in New York wanting to be like those funny men in the movies and on the radio.

It's legal for men to be floorwalkers and illegal for women to be streetwalkers.

If a painting can be forged well enough to fool experts, why is the original so valuable?

Is there another word for synonym?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted?