Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 23

You're really spread out now, you've got stuff all over the world! You've got stuff at home, stuff in storage, stuff in Honolulu, stuff in Maui, stuff in your pockets... supply lines are getting longer and harder to maintain.

One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like.

Is there another word for synonym?

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.

I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary.

Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.

How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes... dies.

In most polls there are always about 5 percent of the people who "don't know." What isn't generally understood is that it's the same people in every poll.

If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

If someone loves you and they leave and don't come back, it was never meant to be. If someone loves you and they leave and come back, set them on fire.

They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn’t your biggest problem.

I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.

The child molester skipped breakfast, but said he'd grab a little something on the way to work.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.