Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 23
People who see life as anything more than pure entertainment are missing the point.
You're really spread out now, you've got stuff all over the world! You've got stuff at home, stuff in storage, stuff in Honolulu, stuff in Maui, stuff in your pockets... supply lines are getting longer and harder to maintain.
I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.
Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary.
If someone loves you and they leave and don't come back, it was never meant to be. If someone loves you and they leave and come back, set them on fire.
Jesus died for our sins. Dare we make his sacrifice meaningless by not committing them?
Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.
I am a personal optimist but a skeptic about all else. What may sound to some like anger is really nothing more than sympathetic contempt. I view my species with a combination of wonder and pity, and I root for its destruction. And please don't confuse my point of view with cynicism; the real cynics are the ones who tell you everything's gonna be all right.