Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 23

I grew up in New York wanting to be like those funny men in the movies and on the radio.

If someone loves you and they leave and don't come back, it was never meant to be. If someone loves you and they leave and come back, set them on fire.

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

Why are a "wise man" and a "wiseguy" opposites?

You're really spread out now, you've got stuff all over the world! You've got stuff at home, stuff in storage, stuff in Honolulu, stuff in Maui, stuff in your pockets... supply lines are getting longer and harder to maintain.

In most polls there are always about 5 percent of the people who "don't know." What isn't generally understood is that it's the same people in every poll.

I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn’t your biggest problem.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary.

How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes... dies.

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him... is he still wrong?