Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 23

Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.

You're really spread out now, you've got stuff all over the world! You've got stuff at home, stuff in storage, stuff in Honolulu, stuff in Maui, stuff in your pockets... supply lines are getting longer and harder to maintain.

It's never just a game when you're winning.

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him... is he still wrong?

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

If someone loves you and they leave and don't come back, it was never meant to be. If someone loves you and they leave and come back, set them on fire.

They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn’t your biggest problem.

I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes... dies.

One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like.

What wine goes with Captain Crunch?

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

I grew up in New York wanting to be like those funny men in the movies and on the radio.

A good motto to live by: "Always try not to get killed."

I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary.