Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 24

As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything.

In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.

Think off-center.

George Washington’s brother, Lawrence, was the Uncle of Our Country.

I went through the usual stages: imp, rascal, scalawag, whippersnapper. And, of course, after that it's just a small step to full-blown sociopath.

If you’ve got a cat and a leg, you’ve got a happy cat. If you’ve got a cat and two legs, you’ve got a party.

In Rome, the emperor sat in a special part of the Coliseum called the Caesarian Section.

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?

The child molester skipped breakfast, but said he'd grab a little something on the way to work.

When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands.

Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Don Ho can sign autographs 3.4 times faster than Efrem Zimbalist Jr.

Have you ever wondered why Republicans are so interested in encouraging people to volunteer in their communities? It’s because volunteers work for no pay. Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time.