Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 24

If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

History is not happenstance: it is conspiratorial. Carefully planned and executed by people in power.

I grew up in New York wanting to be like those funny men in the movies and on the radio.

I recently bought a book of free verse. For twelve dollars.

I do this real moron thing, and it's called thinking. And apparently I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

Beethoven was so hard of hearing, he thought he was a painter.

Is a vegetarian permitted to eat animal crackers?

If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times, does he become disoriented?

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary.

We created god in our own image and likeness!

I was taken to the hospital for observation. I stayed several days, didn't observe anything, and I left.

Is there another word for synonym?

When you stress individualism, as this country does; materialism, as this country does; personal weaponry, as this country does; and racial hatred, which is part of our heritage as white Europeans; and then you add the volatile ingredient of nothing.