Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 24

If acting was hard for me, I wouldn`t do it, it is something that I like to do.

Is a vegetarian permitted to eat animal crackers?

I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.

When someone asks you, a penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.

If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

Beethoven was so hard of hearing, he thought he was a painter.

I recently bought a book of free verse. For twelve dollars.

The child molester skipped breakfast, but said he'd grab a little something on the way to work.

It's legal for men to be floorwalkers and illegal for women to be streetwalkers.

If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times, does he become disoriented?

I’m a high-tech low-life. A cutting edge, state-of-the-art bi-coastal multi-tasker and I can give you a gigabyte in a nanosecond!

Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

History is not happenstance: it is conspiratorial. Carefully planned and executed by people in power.

George Washington’s brother, Lawrence, was the Uncle of Our Country.