Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 24

When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands.

In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.

As it stands right now, I lead Richard Pryor in heart attacks, two to one. However, Richard still leads me, one to nothing, in burning yourself up.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Don Ho can sign autographs 3.4 times faster than Efrem Zimbalist Jr.

Have you ever wondered why Republicans are so interested in encouraging people to volunteer in their communities? It’s because volunteers work for no pay. Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time.

A lot of times when they catch a guy who killed twenty-seven people, they say, "He was a loner." Well, of course he was a loner; he killed everyone he came in contact with.

Avoid teams at all cost. Keep your circle small. Never join a group that has a name.

To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it.

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

Think off-center.

Boy, am I glad to get rid of that fucking Mother Teresa.

Excuse me, officer, but would you mind bringing the wreckage a little closer this way? My wife can't see.

Jesus died for our sins. Dare we make his sacrifice meaningless by not committing them?

The child molester skipped breakfast, but said he'd grab a little something on the way to work.