Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 24

Beethoven was so hard of hearing, he thought he was a painter.

I do this real moron thing, and it's called thinking. And apparently I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

If someone loves you and they leave and don't come back, it was never meant to be. If someone loves you and they leave and come back, set them on fire.

How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes... dies.

They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn’t your biggest problem.

The child molester skipped breakfast, but said he'd grab a little something on the way to work.

In most polls there are always about 5 percent of the people who "don't know." What isn't generally understood is that it's the same people in every poll.

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him... is he still wrong?

Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.

George Washington’s brother, Lawrence, was the Uncle of Our Country.

If acting was hard for me, I wouldn`t do it, it is something that I like to do.