Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 24

A good motto to live by: "Always try not to get killed."

When someone asks you, a penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

Beethoven was so hard of hearing, he thought he was a painter.

What wine goes with Captain Crunch?

The child molester skipped breakfast, but said he'd grab a little something on the way to work.

Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.

Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

It's legal for men to be floorwalkers and illegal for women to be streetwalkers.

Is a vegetarian permitted to eat animal crackers?

I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.

I’m a high-tech low-life. A cutting edge, state-of-the-art bi-coastal multi-tasker and I can give you a gigabyte in a nanosecond!

If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands.

Jesus died for our sins. Dare we make his sacrifice meaningless by not committing them?

History is not happenstance: it is conspiratorial. Carefully planned and executed by people in power.