Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 24

Beethoven was so hard of hearing, he thought he was a painter.

I do this real moron thing, and it's called thinking. And apparently I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

What wine goes with Captain Crunch?

I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.

A good motto to live by: "Always try not to get killed."

Boy, am I glad to get rid of that fucking Mother Teresa.

In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.

If acting was hard for me, I wouldn`t do it, it is something that I like to do.

Why are a "wise man" and a "wiseguy" opposites?

When you stress individualism, as this country does; materialism, as this country does; personal weaponry, as this country does; and racial hatred, which is part of our heritage as white Europeans; and then you add the volatile ingredient of nothing.

It's legal for men to be floorwalkers and illegal for women to be streetwalkers.

Is a vegetarian permitted to eat animal crackers?

Jesus died for our sins. Dare we make his sacrifice meaningless by not committing them?

I recently bought a book of free verse. For twelve dollars.