Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 24

Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.

What wine goes with Captain Crunch?

Is there another word for synonym?

When you stress individualism, as this country does; materialism, as this country does; personal weaponry, as this country does; and racial hatred, which is part of our heritage as white Europeans; and then you add the volatile ingredient of nothing.

I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.

It's legal for men to be floorwalkers and illegal for women to be streetwalkers.

Is a vegetarian permitted to eat animal crackers?

If acting was hard for me, I wouldn`t do it, it is something that I like to do.

The child molester skipped breakfast, but said he'd grab a little something on the way to work.

Boy, am I glad to get rid of that fucking Mother Teresa.

Beethoven was so hard of hearing, he thought he was a painter.

I do this real moron thing, and it's called thinking. And apparently I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

A good motto to live by: "Always try not to get killed."

Jesus died for our sins. Dare we make his sacrifice meaningless by not committing them?

Excuse me, officer, but would you mind bringing the wreckage a little closer this way? My wife can't see.