Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 25
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
After every horror we’re told, “Now the healing can begin.” No. There’s no healing – just a short pause before the next horror.
When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I'm sure it made the work seem that much more urgent.
The phrase surgical strike might be more acceptable if it were common practice to perform surgery with high explosives.
A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, "Don’t you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" I said "I didn’t know there were any witnesses. Now I’ll have to kill you too".
Fuck all the people who say, "God bless," and then don't bother to complete the sentence. Who they are, I haven't the slightest. But, if I were God, I would not honor such a request.
In most polls there are always about 5 percent of the people who "don't know." What isn't generally understood is that it's the same people in every poll.
Why is the man (or woman) who invests all your money called a broker?
I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.
They say rather than cursing the darkness, one should light a candle. They don't mention anything about cursing a lack of candles.