Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 25

Why are a "wise man" and a "wiseguy" opposites?

When someone asks you, a penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

I tried to believe that there is a God, who created each of us in His own image and likeness, loves us very much, and keeps a close eye on things. I really tried to believe that, but I gotta tell you, the longer you live, the more you look around, the more you realize, something is fucked up.

I’m a high-tech low-life. A cutting edge, state-of-the-art bi-coastal multi-tasker and I can give you a gigabyte in a nanosecond!

We created god in our own image and likeness!

If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times, does he become disoriented?

If you’ve got a cat and a leg, you’ve got a happy cat. If you’ve got a cat and two legs, you’ve got a party.

Without the laughs, the audience wouldn’t be there at all, so in that sense, yes, I am a comedian.

What wine goes with Captain Crunch?

If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.

Christian deodorant: "Thou shalt not smell."

I recently bought a book of free verse. For twelve dollars.

A good motto to live by: "Always try not to get killed."

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted?

Why is the man (or woman) who invests all your money called a broker?