Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 25

When someone asks you, a penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

I’m a high-tech low-life. A cutting edge, state-of-the-art bi-coastal multi-tasker and I can give you a gigabyte in a nanosecond!

I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.

Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.

If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times, does he become disoriented?

We created god in our own image and likeness!

George Washington’s brother, Lawrence, was the Uncle of Our Country.

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

Christian deodorant: "Thou shalt not smell."

I tried to believe that there is a God, who created each of us in His own image and likeness, loves us very much, and keeps a close eye on things. I really tried to believe that, but I gotta tell you, the longer you live, the more you look around, the more you realize, something is fucked up.

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted?

Excuse me, officer, but would you mind bringing the wreckage a little closer this way? My wife can't see.

The Golden Gate Bridge should have a long bungee cord for people who aren’t quite ready to commit suicide but want to get in a little practice.

History is not happenstance: it is conspiratorial. Carefully planned and executed by people in power.