Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 25

Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

We created god in our own image and likeness!

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

I’m a high-tech low-life. A cutting edge, state-of-the-art bi-coastal multi-tasker and I can give you a gigabyte in a nanosecond!

George Washington’s brother, Lawrence, was the Uncle of Our Country.

If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.

I recently bought a book of free verse. For twelve dollars.

What wine goes with Captain Crunch?

I tried to believe that there is a God, who created each of us in His own image and likeness, loves us very much, and keeps a close eye on things. I really tried to believe that, but I gotta tell you, the longer you live, the more you look around, the more you realize, something is fucked up.

If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times, does he become disoriented?

If you’ve got a cat and a leg, you’ve got a happy cat. If you’ve got a cat and two legs, you’ve got a party.

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted?

Without the laughs, the audience wouldn’t be there at all, so in that sense, yes, I am a comedian.

As it stands right now, I lead Richard Pryor in heart attacks, two to one. However, Richard still leads me, one to nothing, in burning yourself up.

The Golden Gate Bridge should have a long bungee cord for people who aren’t quite ready to commit suicide but want to get in a little practice.