Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 25

If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times, does he become disoriented?

When someone asks you, a penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

I’m a high-tech low-life. A cutting edge, state-of-the-art bi-coastal multi-tasker and I can give you a gigabyte in a nanosecond!

Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands.

I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.

George Washington’s brother, Lawrence, was the Uncle of Our Country.

I was taken to the hospital for observation. I stayed several days, didn't observe anything, and I left.

History is not happenstance: it is conspiratorial. Carefully planned and executed by people in power.

The Golden Gate Bridge should have a long bungee cord for people who aren’t quite ready to commit suicide but want to get in a little practice.

I recently bought a book of free verse. For twelve dollars.

Christian deodorant: "Thou shalt not smell."

As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything.

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted?

We created god in our own image and likeness!