Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 25
It's legal for men to be floorwalkers and illegal for women to be streetwalkers.
When someone asks you, a penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted?
I’m a high-tech low-life. A cutting edge, state-of-the-art bi-coastal multi-tasker and I can give you a gigabyte in a nanosecond!
As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything.
George Washington’s brother, Lawrence, was the Uncle of Our Country.
Jesus died for our sins. Dare we make his sacrifice meaningless by not committing them?
The Golden Gate Bridge should have a long bungee cord for people who aren’t quite ready to commit suicide but want to get in a little practice.
As it stands right now, I lead Richard Pryor in heart attacks, two to one. However, Richard still leads me, one to nothing, in burning yourself up.
The child molester skipped breakfast, but said he'd grab a little something on the way to work.
Excuse me, officer, but would you mind bringing the wreckage a little closer this way? My wife can't see.