Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 25

Excuse me, officer, but would you mind bringing the wreckage a little closer this way? My wife can't see.

When you stress individualism, as this country does; materialism, as this country does; personal weaponry, as this country does; and racial hatred, which is part of our heritage as white Europeans; and then you add the volatile ingredient of nothing.

I recently bought a book of free verse. For twelve dollars.

I do this real moron thing, and it's called thinking. And apparently I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times, does he become disoriented?

Is there another word for synonym?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted?

Boy, am I glad to get rid of that fucking Mother Teresa.

We created god in our own image and likeness!

George Washington’s brother, Lawrence, was the Uncle of Our Country.

The Golden Gate Bridge should have a long bungee cord for people who aren’t quite ready to commit suicide but want to get in a little practice.

I was taken to the hospital for observation. I stayed several days, didn't observe anything, and I left.

As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything.

I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.

As it stands right now, I lead Richard Pryor in heart attacks, two to one. However, Richard still leads me, one to nothing, in burning yourself up.