Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 26

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything.

Christian deodorant: "Thou shalt not smell."

In Rome, the emperor sat in a special part of the Coliseum called the Caesarian Section.

I was a hip kid. When I saw Bambi it was the midnight show.

What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?

I was taken to the hospital for observation. I stayed several days, didn't observe anything, and I left.

Why is the man (or woman) who invests all your money called a broker?

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

If you ate pasta and anti-pasta, would you still be hungry?

History is not happenstance: it is conspiratorial. Carefully planned and executed by people in power.

Excuse me, officer, but would you mind bringing the wreckage a little closer this way? My wife can't see.

I, myself, have killed six people. All random, all undetected, no way to trace them to me. And, let me tell you, there's nothin' like it. It's a great feeling. Yeah, I know, you're thinking. "Aw, he's a comedian. He's just sayin' that stuff." Good. That's exactly what I want you to think.

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

I was a loner as a child. I had an imaginary friend - I didn't bother with him.