Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 26
I tried to believe that there is a God, who created each of us in His own image and likeness, loves us very much, and keeps a close eye on things. I really tried to believe that, but I gotta tell you, the longer you live, the more you look around, the more you realize, something is fucked up.
I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.
To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it.
After every horror we’re told, “Now the healing can begin.” No. There’s no healing – just a short pause before the next horror.
Don Ho can sign autographs 3.4 times faster than Efrem Zimbalist Jr.
Have you ever wondered why Republicans are so interested in encouraging people to volunteer in their communities? It’s because volunteers work for no pay. Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time.
In Rome, the emperor sat in a special part of the Coliseum called the Caesarian Section.
Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.
Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
If you’ve got a cat and a leg, you’ve got a happy cat. If you’ve got a cat and two legs, you’ve got a party.