Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 26

As it stands right now, I lead Richard Pryor in heart attacks, two to one. However, Richard still leads me, one to nothing, in burning yourself up.

As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything.

The Golden Gate Bridge should have a long bungee cord for people who aren’t quite ready to commit suicide but want to get in a little practice.

I was a hip kid. When I saw Bambi it was the midnight show.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

History is not happenstance: it is conspiratorial. Carefully planned and executed by people in power.

In Rome, the emperor sat in a special part of the Coliseum called the Caesarian Section.

I was taken to the hospital for observation. I stayed several days, didn't observe anything, and I left.

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?

I, myself, have killed six people. All random, all undetected, no way to trace them to me. And, let me tell you, there's nothin' like it. It's a great feeling. Yeah, I know, you're thinking. "Aw, he's a comedian. He's just sayin' that stuff." Good. That's exactly what I want you to think.

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

If you ate pasta and anti-pasta, would you still be hungry?

I was a loner as a child. I had an imaginary friend - I didn't bother with him.

To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it.