Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 26

Boy, am I glad to get rid of that fucking Mother Teresa.

In Rome, the emperor sat in a special part of the Coliseum called the Caesarian Section.

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

Christian deodorant: "Thou shalt not smell."

The phrase surgical strike might be more acceptable if it were common practice to perform surgery with high explosives.

I was a hip kid. When I saw Bambi it was the midnight show.

Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.

As it stands right now, I lead Richard Pryor in heart attacks, two to one. However, Richard still leads me, one to nothing, in burning yourself up.

After every horror we’re told, “Now the healing can begin.” No. There’s no healing – just a short pause before the next horror.

If you’ve got a cat and a leg, you’ve got a happy cat. If you’ve got a cat and two legs, you’ve got a party.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Don Ho can sign autographs 3.4 times faster than Efrem Zimbalist Jr.

Have you ever wondered why Republicans are so interested in encouraging people to volunteer in their communities? It’s because volunteers work for no pay. Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time.

I tried to believe that there is a God, who created each of us in His own image and likeness, loves us very much, and keeps a close eye on things. I really tried to believe that, but I gotta tell you, the longer you live, the more you look around, the more you realize, something is fucked up.

President George Bush declared a National Day of Prayer for Peace. This was after he had carefully arranged and started the war.