Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 26

As it stands right now, I lead Richard Pryor in heart attacks, two to one. However, Richard still leads me, one to nothing, in burning yourself up.

If you’ve got a cat and a leg, you’ve got a happy cat. If you’ve got a cat and two legs, you’ve got a party.

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

I was a hip kid. When I saw Bambi it was the midnight show.

I, myself, have killed six people. All random, all undetected, no way to trace them to me. And, let me tell you, there's nothin' like it. It's a great feeling. Yeah, I know, you're thinking. "Aw, he's a comedian. He's just sayin' that stuff." Good. That's exactly what I want you to think.

As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything.

If you ate pasta and anti-pasta, would you still be hungry?

In Rome, the emperor sat in a special part of the Coliseum called the Caesarian Section.

I was taken to the hospital for observation. I stayed several days, didn't observe anything, and I left.

Without the laughs, the audience wouldn’t be there at all, so in that sense, yes, I am a comedian.

Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.

When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands.

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?

"No comment" is a comment.