Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 26

If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.

Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.

In Rome, the emperor sat in a special part of the Coliseum called the Caesarian Section.

Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.

I tried to believe that there is a God, who created each of us in His own image and likeness, loves us very much, and keeps a close eye on things. I really tried to believe that, but I gotta tell you, the longer you live, the more you look around, the more you realize, something is fucked up.

If a piece requires some specific inflection, I'll record it. I take a lot of notes, and later categorize them, combining them alongside existing ideas, and eventually put a piece together.

I went through the usual stages: imp, rascal, scalawag, whippersnapper. And, of course, after that it's just a small step to full-blown sociopath.

I don't have a fear of heights. I do, however, have a fear of falling from heights.

It is said that Indians were sometimes named for the first thing they saw when they were born. Makes you wonder why there aren't more Indians named Hairy Pussy, doesn't it?

A woman told me her child was autistic, and I thought she said artistic. So I said, "Oh great. I'd like to see some of the things he's done."

I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a part of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect.

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him... is he still wrong?

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.

I, myself, have killed six people. All random, all undetected, no way to trace them to me. And, let me tell you, there's nothin' like it. It's a great feeling. Yeah, I know, you're thinking. "Aw, he's a comedian. He's just sayin' that stuff." Good. That's exactly what I want you to think.