Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 26

I was a hip kid. When I saw Bambi it was the midnight show.

In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.

Christian deodorant: "Thou shalt not smell."

If you’ve got a cat and a leg, you’ve got a happy cat. If you’ve got a cat and two legs, you’ve got a party.

In Rome, the emperor sat in a special part of the Coliseum called the Caesarian Section.

"No comment" is a comment.

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

If you ate pasta and anti-pasta, would you still be hungry?

The phrase surgical strike might be more acceptable if it were common practice to perform surgery with high explosives.

After every horror we’re told, “Now the healing can begin.” No. There’s no healing – just a short pause before the next horror.

What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?

Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.

I tried to believe that there is a God, who created each of us in His own image and likeness, loves us very much, and keeps a close eye on things. I really tried to believe that, but I gotta tell you, the longer you live, the more you look around, the more you realize, something is fucked up.

Why is the man (or woman) who invests all your money called a broker?

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?