Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 27
I'm in favor of personal growth as long as it doesn't include malignant tumors.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it.
Why is the man (or woman) who invests all your money called a broker?
After every horror we’re told, “Now the healing can begin.” No. There’s no healing – just a short pause before the next horror.
Don Ho can sign autographs 3.4 times faster than Efrem Zimbalist Jr.
They say rather than cursing the darkness, one should light a candle. They don't mention anything about cursing a lack of candles.
Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.
A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, "Don’t you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" I said "I didn’t know there were any witnesses. Now I’ll have to kill you too".
A woman told me her child was autistic, and I thought she said artistic. So I said, "Oh great. I'd like to see some of the things he's done."
I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a part of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect.
We use up words like "spiritual" so fast in this culture. Twenty years ago "spiritual" had a distinct meaning. But now there's a lot of jack-off thinkers who just love to talk about the spiritual. And there is a lot of bogus - is "bogosity" a word? It should be - a lot of bogosity in these spiritual seekers. So you have to find another way to express it. I just call it "how I fit".
I don't have a fear of heights. I do, however, have a fear of falling from heights.