Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 27
I, myself, have killed six people. All random, all undetected, no way to trace them to me. And, let me tell you, there's nothin' like it. It's a great feeling. Yeah, I know, you're thinking. "Aw, he's a comedian. He's just sayin' that stuff." Good. That's exactly what I want you to think.
A woman told me her child was autistic, and I thought she said artistic. So I said, "Oh great. I'd like to see some of the things he's done."
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it.
And here's something else, another problem you might have: Suppose your prayers aren't answered. What do you say? "Well, it's God's will." "Thy Will Be Done." Fine, but if it's God's will, and He's going to do what He wants to anyway, why the fuck bother praying in the first place? Seems like a big waste of time to me! Couldn't you just skip the praying part and go right to His Will? It's all very confusing.
It is said that Indians were sometimes named for the first thing they saw when they were born. Makes you wonder why there aren't more Indians named Hairy Pussy, doesn't it?
Fuck all the people who say, "God bless," and then don't bother to complete the sentence. Who they are, I haven't the slightest. But, if I were God, I would not honor such a request.
When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I'm sure it made the work seem that much more urgent.
If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.