Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 27

I'm in favor of personal growth as long as it doesn't include malignant tumors.

Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.

They say rather than cursing the darkness, one should light a candle. They don't mention anything about cursing a lack of candles.

If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him.

To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it.

"No comment" is a comment.

I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a part of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect.

People always tell me "Have a nice day." Well what if I don't want to? What if I want to have a crappy day?

A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, "Don’t you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" I said "I didn’t know there were any witnesses. Now I’ll have to kill you too".

If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.

The phrase surgical strike might be more acceptable if it were common practice to perform surgery with high explosives.

When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands.

Fuck rational thought.

Don Ho can sign autographs 3.4 times faster than Efrem Zimbalist Jr.

We use up words like "spiritual" so fast in this culture. Twenty years ago "spiritual" had a distinct meaning. But now there's a lot of jack-off thinkers who just love to talk about the spiritual. And there is a lot of bogus - is "bogosity" a word? It should be - a lot of bogosity in these spiritual seekers. So you have to find another way to express it. I just call it "how I fit".