Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 27

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

If someone loves you and they leave and don't come back, it was never meant to be. If someone loves you and they leave and come back, set them on fire.

I don't have a fear of heights. I do, however, have a fear of falling from heights.

The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, "You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done."

Fuck rational thought.

Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.

If you ate pasta and anti-pasta, would you still be hungry?

One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like.

If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.

Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.

You're really spread out now, you've got stuff all over the world! You've got stuff at home, stuff in storage, stuff in Honolulu, stuff in Maui, stuff in your pockets... supply lines are getting longer and harder to maintain.

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

We use up words like "spiritual" so fast in this culture. Twenty years ago "spiritual" had a distinct meaning. But now there's a lot of jack-off thinkers who just love to talk about the spiritual. And there is a lot of bogus - is "bogosity" a word? It should be - a lot of bogosity in these spiritual seekers. So you have to find another way to express it. I just call it "how I fit".

Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.