Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 27
To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it.
The phrase surgical strike might be more acceptable if it were common practice to perform surgery with high explosives.
Why is the man (or woman) who invests all your money called a broker?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I'm sure it made the work seem that much more urgent.
They say rather than cursing the darkness, one should light a candle. They don't mention anything about cursing a lack of candles.
President George Bush declared a National Day of Prayer for Peace. This was after he had carefully arranged and started the war.
A woman told me her child was autistic, and I thought she said artistic. So I said, "Oh great. I'd like to see some of the things he's done."
Without the laughs, the audience wouldn’t be there at all, so in that sense, yes, I am a comedian.
I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a part of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect.