Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 27
Excuse me, officer, but would you mind bringing the wreckage a little closer this way? My wife can't see.
Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.
They say rather than cursing the darkness, one should light a candle. They don't mention anything about cursing a lack of candles.
I'm in favor of personal growth as long as it doesn't include malignant tumors.
And here's something else, another problem you might have: Suppose your prayers aren't answered. What do you say? "Well, it's God's will." "Thy Will Be Done." Fine, but if it's God's will, and He's going to do what He wants to anyway, why the fuck bother praying in the first place? Seems like a big waste of time to me! Couldn't you just skip the praying part and go right to His Will? It's all very confusing.
Don Ho can sign autographs 3.4 times faster than Efrem Zimbalist Jr.
The phrase surgical strike might be more acceptable if it were common practice to perform surgery with high explosives.
People always tell me "Have a nice day." Well what if I don't want to? What if I want to have a crappy day?
I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a part of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect.
If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, "Don’t you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" I said "I didn’t know there were any witnesses. Now I’ll have to kill you too".
We use up words like "spiritual" so fast in this culture. Twenty years ago "spiritual" had a distinct meaning. But now there's a lot of jack-off thinkers who just love to talk about the spiritual. And there is a lot of bogus - is "bogosity" a word? It should be - a lot of bogosity in these spiritual seekers. So you have to find another way to express it. I just call it "how I fit".
Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.