Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 28

If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him.

We are a nation of sheep, and someone else owns the grass.

Tits always look better in a pink sweater.

A woman told me her child was autistic, and I thought she said artistic. So I said, "Oh great. I'd like to see some of the things he's done."

Fuck rational thought.

I went straight from shenanigans to cries against humanity.

Fuck all the people who say, "God bless," and then don't bother to complete the sentence. Who they are, I haven't the slightest. But, if I were God, I would not honor such a request.

Granola didn’t sell very well when it was good for you. Now it has caramel, chocolate, marshmallow, saturated fat and sweeteners with a small amount of oats and grains. Sales picked up.

After every horror we’re told, “Now the healing can begin.” No. There’s no healing – just a short pause before the next horror.

It is said that Indians were sometimes named for the first thing they saw when they were born. Makes you wonder why there aren't more Indians named Hairy Pussy, doesn't it?

When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands.

Y'ever notice how you never seem to get laid on Thanksgiving? I think it's because all the coats are on the bed.

Have you ever wondered why Republicans are so interested in encouraging people to volunteer in their communities? It’s because volunteers work for no pay. Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time.

So far, this is the oldest I’ve been.

This is a country where tobacco kills four hundred thousand people a year, so they ban artificial sweeteners! Because a rat died! You know what I mean?