Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 28

If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.

I'm in favor of personal growth as long as it doesn't include malignant tumors.

Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.

If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole airplane made out of that stuff?

Y'ever notice how you never seem to get laid on Thanksgiving? I think it's because all the coats are on the bed.

They don't want an educated populace capable of critical thought, sitting around the kitchen table realizing how badly they're getting fucked!

Christian deodorant: "Thou shalt not smell."

I went straight from shenanigans to cries against humanity.

A good motto to live by: "Always try not to get killed."

This is a country where tobacco kills four hundred thousand people a year, so they ban artificial sweeteners! Because a rat died! You know what I mean?

People always tell me "Have a nice day." Well what if I don't want to? What if I want to have a crappy day?

Granola didn’t sell very well when it was good for you. Now it has caramel, chocolate, marshmallow, saturated fat and sweeteners with a small amount of oats and grains. Sales picked up.

I wanted to get a job as a gynecologist, but I couldn't find an opening.

Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.

Twat is twat and that is that.