Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 28

A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, "Don’t you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" I said "I didn’t know there were any witnesses. Now I’ll have to kill you too".

Why is the man (or woman) who invests all your money called a broker?

If you ate pasta and anti-pasta, would you still be hungry?

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a part of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect.

What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?

I'm in favor of personal growth as long as it doesn't include malignant tumors.

People always tell me "Have a nice day." Well what if I don't want to? What if I want to have a crappy day?

I wanted to get a job as a gynecologist, but I couldn't find an opening.

If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.

If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him.

We use up words like "spiritual" so fast in this culture. Twenty years ago "spiritual" had a distinct meaning. But now there's a lot of jack-off thinkers who just love to talk about the spiritual. And there is a lot of bogus - is "bogosity" a word? It should be - a lot of bogosity in these spiritual seekers. So you have to find another way to express it. I just call it "how I fit".

When I see a large group of people, I wonder how many of them will eventually require autopsies.

I don't have a fear of heights. I do, however, have a fear of falling from heights.

Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.