Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 28

A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, "Don’t you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" I said "I didn’t know there were any witnesses. Now I’ll have to kill you too".

Tits always look better in a pink sweater.

I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a part of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect.

When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I'm sure it made the work seem that much more urgent.

They say rather than cursing the darkness, one should light a candle. They don't mention anything about cursing a lack of candles.

We are a nation of sheep, and someone else owns the grass.

It is said that Indians were sometimes named for the first thing they saw when they were born. Makes you wonder why there aren't more Indians named Hairy Pussy, doesn't it?

Fuck rational thought.

When I see a large group of people, I wonder how many of them will eventually require autopsies.

We use up words like "spiritual" so fast in this culture. Twenty years ago "spiritual" had a distinct meaning. But now there's a lot of jack-off thinkers who just love to talk about the spiritual. And there is a lot of bogus - is "bogosity" a word? It should be - a lot of bogosity in these spiritual seekers. So you have to find another way to express it. I just call it "how I fit".

People always tell me "Have a nice day." Well what if I don't want to? What if I want to have a crappy day?

If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.

I don't have a fear of heights. I do, however, have a fear of falling from heights.

I wanted to get a job as a gynecologist, but I couldn't find an opening.

Y'ever notice how you never seem to get laid on Thanksgiving? I think it's because all the coats are on the bed.