Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 28
If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.
I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a part of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect.
The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, "You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done."
We use up words like "spiritual" so fast in this culture. Twenty years ago "spiritual" had a distinct meaning. But now there's a lot of jack-off thinkers who just love to talk about the spiritual. And there is a lot of bogus - is "bogosity" a word? It should be - a lot of bogosity in these spiritual seekers. So you have to find another way to express it. I just call it "how I fit".
When I see a large group of people, I wonder how many of them will eventually require autopsies.
If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.
If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole airplane made out of that stuff?
People always tell me "Have a nice day." Well what if I don't want to? What if I want to have a crappy day?
Granola didn’t sell very well when it was good for you. Now it has caramel, chocolate, marshmallow, saturated fat and sweeteners with a small amount of oats and grains. Sales picked up.