Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 28

People always tell me "Have a nice day." Well what if I don't want to? What if I want to have a crappy day?

We are a nation of sheep, and someone else owns the grass.

I was a loner as a child. I had an imaginary friend - I didn't bother with him.

Fuck rational thought.

If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him.

When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I'm sure it made the work seem that much more urgent.

I went straight from shenanigans to cries against humanity.

Twat is twat and that is that.

I wanted to get a job as a gynecologist, but I couldn't find an opening.

Have you ever wondered why Republicans are so interested in encouraging people to volunteer in their communities? It’s because volunteers work for no pay. Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time.

So far, this is the oldest I’ve been.

And here's something else, another problem you might have: Suppose your prayers aren't answered. What do you say? "Well, it's God's will." "Thy Will Be Done." Fine, but if it's God's will, and He's going to do what He wants to anyway, why the fuck bother praying in the first place? Seems like a big waste of time to me! Couldn't you just skip the praying part and go right to His Will? It's all very confusing.

Y'ever notice how you never seem to get laid on Thanksgiving? I think it's because all the coats are on the bed.

Fuck all the people who say, "God bless," and then don't bother to complete the sentence. Who they are, I haven't the slightest. But, if I were God, I would not honor such a request.

Granola didn’t sell very well when it was good for you. Now it has caramel, chocolate, marshmallow, saturated fat and sweeteners with a small amount of oats and grains. Sales picked up.