Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 28

I went straight from shenanigans to cries against humanity.

Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.

Fuck all the people who say, "God bless," and then don't bother to complete the sentence. Who they are, I haven't the slightest. But, if I were God, I would not honor such a request.

Have you ever wondered why Republicans are so interested in encouraging people to volunteer in their communities? It’s because volunteers work for no pay. Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time.

We are a nation of sheep, and someone else owns the grass.

Twat is twat and that is that.

President George Bush declared a National Day of Prayer for Peace. This was after he had carefully arranged and started the war.

After every horror we’re told, “Now the healing can begin.” No. There’s no healing – just a short pause before the next horror.

And here's something else, another problem you might have: Suppose your prayers aren't answered. What do you say? "Well, it's God's will." "Thy Will Be Done." Fine, but if it's God's will, and He's going to do what He wants to anyway, why the fuck bother praying in the first place? Seems like a big waste of time to me! Couldn't you just skip the praying part and go right to His Will? It's all very confusing.

Tits always look better in a pink sweater.

It is said that Indians were sometimes named for the first thing they saw when they were born. Makes you wonder why there aren't more Indians named Hairy Pussy, doesn't it?

A woman told me her child was autistic, and I thought she said artistic. So I said, "Oh great. I'd like to see some of the things he's done."

Y'ever notice how you never seem to get laid on Thanksgiving? I think it's because all the coats are on the bed.

So far, this is the oldest I’ve been.

This is a country where tobacco kills four hundred thousand people a year, so they ban artificial sweeteners! Because a rat died! You know what I mean?