Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 28

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

Granola didn’t sell very well when it was good for you. Now it has caramel, chocolate, marshmallow, saturated fat and sweeteners with a small amount of oats and grains. Sales picked up.

I went straight from shenanigans to cries against humanity.

I'm in favor of personal growth as long as it doesn't include malignant tumors.

A good motto to live by: "Always try not to get killed."

Scientists announced today that they have discovered a cure for apathy. However, they claim no one has shown the slightest interest in it.

If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.

People always tell me "Have a nice day." Well what if I don't want to? What if I want to have a crappy day?

I wanted to get a job as a gynecologist, but I couldn't find an opening.

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

Twat is twat and that is that.

Christian deodorant: "Thou shalt not smell."

We are a nation of sheep, and someone else owns the grass.

If acting was hard for me, I wouldn`t do it, it is something that I like to do.

When someone asks you, a penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?