Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 29

When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I'm sure it made the work seem that much more urgent.

Twat is twat and that is that.

The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, "You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done."

President George Bush declared a National Day of Prayer for Peace. This was after he had carefully arranged and started the war.

I don't have a fear of heights. I do, however, have a fear of falling from heights.

I'll bet there aren't too many people hooked on crack who can play the bagpipes.

Weather forecast for tonight: dark.

Most people are not particularly good at anything.

There are only two places in the world: over here and over there.

People love to admit they have bad handwriting or that they can't do math. And they will readily admit to being awkward: "I'm such a klutz!" But they will never admit to having a poor sense of humor or being a bad driver.

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

When I was a kid, if a guy got killed in a western movie I always wondered who got his horse.

If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole airplane made out of that stuff?

If Helen Keller had psychic ability, would you say she had a fourth sense?

If this is the best God can do, I'm not impressed.