Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 29

I'm in favor of personal growth as long as it doesn't include malignant tumors.

Y'ever notice how you never seem to get laid on Thanksgiving? I think it's because all the coats are on the bed.

If you ate pasta and anti-pasta, would you still be hungry?

I wanted to get a job as a gynecologist, but I couldn't find an opening.

They don't want an educated populace capable of critical thought, sitting around the kitchen table realizing how badly they're getting fucked!

There are only two places in the world: over here and over there.

This is a country where tobacco kills four hundred thousand people a year, so they ban artificial sweeteners! Because a rat died! You know what I mean?

Most people are not particularly good at anything.

Twat is twat and that is that.

We are a nation of sheep, and someone else owns the grass.

If this is the best God can do, I'm not impressed.

Always do whatever's next

If Helen Keller had psychic ability, would you say she had a fourth sense?

Why is there so much controversy about drug testing? I know plenty of guys who would be willing to test any drug they could come up with.

Don't confuse my point of view with cynicism. The real cynics are the ones who tell you that everything's gonna be all right.