Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 29
There are only two places in the world: over here and over there.
I wanted to get a job as a gynecologist, but I couldn't find an opening.
Y'ever notice how you never seem to get laid on Thanksgiving? I think it's because all the coats are on the bed.
Granola didn’t sell very well when it was good for you. Now it has caramel, chocolate, marshmallow, saturated fat and sweeteners with a small amount of oats and grains. Sales picked up.
When I see a large group of people, I wonder how many of them will eventually require autopsies.
If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole airplane made out of that stuff?
The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, "You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done."
I was a loner as a child. I had an imaginary friend - I didn't bother with him.
They don't want an educated populace capable of critical thought, sitting around the kitchen table realizing how badly they're getting fucked!
I often warn people: somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, "There is no "I" in team." What you should tell them is, "Maybe not. But there is an "I" in independence, individuality and integrity."
This is a country where tobacco kills four hundred thousand people a year, so they ban artificial sweeteners! Because a rat died! You know what I mean?
If Helen Keller had psychic ability, would you say she had a fourth sense?