Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 29

I wanted to get a job as a gynecologist, but I couldn't find an opening.

Granola didn’t sell very well when it was good for you. Now it has caramel, chocolate, marshmallow, saturated fat and sweeteners with a small amount of oats and grains. Sales picked up.

I don't have a fear of heights. I do, however, have a fear of falling from heights.

The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, "You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done."

When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I'm sure it made the work seem that much more urgent.

Weather forecast for tonight: dark.

There are only two places in the world: over here and over there.

I'll bet there aren't too many people hooked on crack who can play the bagpipes.

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

Most people are not particularly good at anything.

If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole airplane made out of that stuff?

If Helen Keller had psychic ability, would you say she had a fourth sense?

When I was a kid, if a guy got killed in a western movie I always wondered who got his horse.

People love to admit they have bad handwriting or that they can't do math. And they will readily admit to being awkward: "I'm such a klutz!" But they will never admit to having a poor sense of humor or being a bad driver.

When I see a large group of people, I wonder how many of them will eventually require autopsies.