Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 29

The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, "You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done."

Y'ever notice how you never seem to get laid on Thanksgiving? I think it's because all the coats are on the bed.

Granola didn’t sell very well when it was good for you. Now it has caramel, chocolate, marshmallow, saturated fat and sweeteners with a small amount of oats and grains. Sales picked up.

This is a country where tobacco kills four hundred thousand people a year, so they ban artificial sweeteners! Because a rat died! You know what I mean?

There are only two places in the world: over here and over there.

If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole airplane made out of that stuff?

Without the laughs, the audience wouldn’t be there at all, so in that sense, yes, I am a comedian.

We are a nation of sheep, and someone else owns the grass.

They don't want an educated populace capable of critical thought, sitting around the kitchen table realizing how badly they're getting fucked!

Most people are not particularly good at anything.

Twat is twat and that is that.

If this is the best God can do, I'm not impressed.

Why is there so much controversy about drug testing? I know plenty of guys who would be willing to test any drug they could come up with.

I often warn people: somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, "There is no "I" in team." What you should tell them is, "Maybe not. But there is an "I" in independence, individuality and integrity."

Always do whatever's next