Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 29
Why is there so much controversy about drug testing? I know plenty of guys who would be willing to test any drug they could come up with.
There are only two places in the world: over here and over there.
Y'ever notice how you never seem to get laid on Thanksgiving? I think it's because all the coats are on the bed.
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
If Helen Keller had psychic ability, would you say she had a fourth sense?
Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.
Don't confuse my point of view with cynicism. The real cynics are the ones who tell you that everything's gonna be all right.
I'll bet there aren't too many people hooked on crack who can play the bagpipes.
Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.
The Golden Gate Bridge should have a long bungee cord for people who aren’t quite ready to commit suicide but want to get in a little practice.
People love to admit they have bad handwriting or that they can't do math. And they will readily admit to being awkward: "I'm such a klutz!" But they will never admit to having a poor sense of humor or being a bad driver.
Without the laughs, the audience wouldn’t be there at all, so in that sense, yes, I am a comedian.