Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 30
When I was a kid, if a guy got killed in a western movie I always wondered who got his horse.
Why is there so much controversy about drug testing? I know plenty of guys who would be willing to test any drug they could come up with.
If Helen Keller had psychic ability, would you say she had a fourth sense?
I'll bet there aren't too many people hooked on crack who can play the bagpipes.
Don't confuse my point of view with cynicism. The real cynics are the ones who tell you that everything's gonna be all right.
People love to admit they have bad handwriting or that they can't do math. And they will readily admit to being awkward: "I'm such a klutz!" But they will never admit to having a poor sense of humor or being a bad driver.
I think everyone should treat one another in a Christian manner. I will not, however, be responsible for the consequences.
I figured out years ago that the human species is totally fucked and has been for a long time. I also know that the sick, media-consumer culture in America continues to make this so-called problem worse. But the trick, folks, is not to give a fuck. Like me. I really don't care. I stopped worrying about all this temporal bullshit a long time ago. It's meaningless.
I was what they call a “fussy eater.” ‘He’s fussy! He’s a fussy eater!’ “Fussy eater” is a euphemism for “Big pain in the ass.”
We now buy watches primarily for their looks, price, or additional functions. The fact that they tell time seems lost.
One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you’re too tired.
I'm not a person who thinks they can have it all, but I certainly feel that with a bit of effort and guile I should be able to have more than my fair share.
Conservatives say if you don't give the rich more money, they will lose their incentive to invest. As for the poor, they tell us they've lost all incentive because we've given them too much money.