Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 30
I often warn people: somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, "There is no "I" in team." What you should tell them is, "Maybe not. But there is an "I" in independence, individuality and integrity."
They don't want an educated populace capable of critical thought, sitting around the kitchen table realizing how badly they're getting fucked!
Why is there so much controversy about drug testing? I know plenty of guys who would be willing to test any drug they could come up with.
I'm not a person who thinks they can have it all, but I certainly feel that with a bit of effort and guile I should be able to have more than my fair share.
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
I figured out years ago that the human species is totally fucked and has been for a long time. I also know that the sick, media-consumer culture in America continues to make this so-called problem worse. But the trick, folks, is not to give a fuck. Like me. I really don't care. I stopped worrying about all this temporal bullshit a long time ago. It's meaningless.
I was what they call a “fussy eater.” ‘He’s fussy! He’s a fussy eater!’ “Fussy eater” is a euphemism for “Big pain in the ass.”
I think everyone should treat one another in a Christian manner. I will not, however, be responsible for the consequences.
One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you’re too tired.
Don't confuse my point of view with cynicism. The real cynics are the ones who tell you that everything's gonna be all right.