Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 30

I was a loner as a child. I had an imaginary friend - I didn't bother with him.

I was a hip kid. When I saw Bambi it was the midnight show.

President George Bush declared a National Day of Prayer for Peace. This was after he had carefully arranged and started the war.

I think everyone should treat one another in a Christian manner. I will not, however, be responsible for the consequences.

I figured out years ago that the human species is totally fucked and has been for a long time. I also know that the sick, media-consumer culture in America continues to make this so-called problem worse. But the trick, folks, is not to give a fuck. Like me. I really don't care. I stopped worrying about all this temporal bullshit a long time ago. It's meaningless.

I went through the usual stages: imp, rascal, scalawag, whippersnapper. And, of course, after that it's just a small step to full-blown sociopath.

I often warn people: somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, "There is no "I" in team." What you should tell them is, "Maybe not. But there is an "I" in independence, individuality and integrity."

One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you’re too tired.

Most people are not particularly good at anything.

What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?

I do something about the weather. I stay home.

Conservatives say if you don't give the rich more money, they will lose their incentive to invest. As for the poor, they tell us they've lost all incentive because we've given them too much money.

I'm not a person who thinks they can have it all, but I certainly feel that with a bit of effort and guile I should be able to have more than my fair share.

How is it possible to have a civil war?

Have you ever noticed that the lawyer always smiles more than the client?