Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 31

I was what they call a “fussy eater.” ‘He’s fussy! He’s a fussy eater!’ “Fussy eater” is a euphemism for “Big pain in the ass.”

Do you think Sammy Davis ate Junior Mints?

The mai tai got its name when two Polynesian alcoholics got in a fight over some neckwear.

I'm not a person who thinks they can have it all, but I certainly feel that with a bit of effort and guile I should be able to have more than my fair share.

Writing books isn’t a drastic departure from writing for the stage.

I have lots of ideas. Trouble is, most of them suck.

I do something about the weather. I stay home.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

How is it possible to have a civil war?

Have you ever noticed that the lawyer always smiles more than the client?

Pardon me I've got nothing to say.

Hooray for most things!

No one who has had “Taps” played for them has ever been able to hear it.

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

I don't have to tell you it goes without saying there are some things better left unsaid. I think that speaks for itself. The less said about it the better.