Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 31

Conservatives say if you don't give the rich more money, they will lose their incentive to invest. As for the poor, they tell us they've lost all incentive because we've given them too much money.

I'm not a person who thinks they can have it all, but I certainly feel that with a bit of effort and guile I should be able to have more than my fair share.

How is it possible to have a civil war?

Do you think Sammy Davis ate Junior Mints?

Writing books isn’t a drastic departure from writing for the stage.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

I have lots of ideas. Trouble is, most of them suck.

The mai tai got its name when two Polynesian alcoholics got in a fight over some neckwear.

I love it in a movie when they throw a guy off a cliff. I love it even when it's not a movie. No, especially when it's not a movie.

No one who has had “Taps” played for them has ever been able to hear it.

Hooray for most things!

Have you ever noticed that the lawyer always smiles more than the client?

Thou shalt keep thy religion to thyself.

I do something about the weather. I stay home.

Pardon me I've got nothing to say.