Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 31

They say that instead of cursing the darkness, one should light a candle. Nothing is mentioned, though, about cursing a lack of candles.

I'm not a person who thinks they can have it all, but I certainly feel that with a bit of effort and guile I should be able to have more than my fair share.

How is it possible to have a civil war?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

The mai tai got its name when two Polynesian alcoholics got in a fight over some neckwear.

I have lots of ideas. Trouble is, most of them suck.

Do you think Sammy Davis ate Junior Mints?

Writing books isn’t a drastic departure from writing for the stage.

Hooray for most things!

I do something about the weather. I stay home.

No one who has had “Taps” played for them has ever been able to hear it.

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

I love it in a movie when they throw a guy off a cliff. I love it even when it's not a movie. No, especially when it's not a movie.

They debated NAFTA for a long time: should we sign it or not? Either way the people get fucked. Trade always exists for the traders. Anytime you hear businessmen debating “which policy is better for America,” - don’t bend over.

Have you ever noticed that the lawyer always smiles more than the client?