Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 31

They say that instead of cursing the darkness, one should light a candle. Nothing is mentioned, though, about cursing a lack of candles.

I'm not a person who thinks they can have it all, but I certainly feel that with a bit of effort and guile I should be able to have more than my fair share.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

How is it possible to have a civil war?

The mai tai got its name when two Polynesian alcoholics got in a fight over some neckwear.

I have lots of ideas. Trouble is, most of them suck.

Do you think Sammy Davis ate Junior Mints?

Writing books isn’t a drastic departure from writing for the stage.

I love it in a movie when they throw a guy off a cliff. I love it even when it's not a movie. No, especially when it's not a movie.

I do something about the weather. I stay home.

No one who has had “Taps” played for them has ever been able to hear it.

Have you ever noticed that the lawyer always smiles more than the client?

Hooray for most things!

Thou shalt keep thy religion to thyself.

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?