Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 31

Do you think Sammy Davis ate Junior Mints?

Conservatives say if you don't give the rich more money, they will lose their incentive to invest. As for the poor, they tell us they've lost all incentive because we've given them too much money.

I love it in a movie when they throw a guy off a cliff. I love it even when it's not a movie. No, especially when it's not a movie.

Thou shalt keep thy religion to thyself.

I went through the usual stages: imp, rascal, scalawag, whippersnapper. And, of course, after that it's just a small step to full-blown sociopath.

I'm not a person who thinks they can have it all, but I certainly feel that with a bit of effort and guile I should be able to have more than my fair share.

Pardon me I've got nothing to say.

The mai tai got its name when two Polynesian alcoholics got in a fight over some neckwear.

Have you ever noticed that the lawyer always smiles more than the client?

Writing books isn’t a drastic departure from writing for the stage.

How is it possible to have a civil war?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Hooray for most things!

I do something about the weather. I stay home.

No one who has had “Taps” played for them has ever been able to hear it.