Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 31

We now buy watches primarily for their looks, price, or additional functions. The fact that they tell time seems lost.

Pardon me I've got nothing to say.

I love it in a movie when they throw a guy off a cliff. I love it even when it's not a movie. No, especially when it's not a movie.

I do something about the weather. I stay home.

People can't seem to get it through their heads that there is never any healing or closure. Ever. There is only a short pause before the next "horrifying" event. People forget there is such a thing as memory, and that when a wound "heals" it leaves a permanent scar that never goes away, but merely fades a little. What really ought to be said after one of these so-called tragedies is, "Let the scarring begin."

They say that instead of cursing the darkness, one should light a candle. Nothing is mentioned, though, about cursing a lack of candles.

Have you ever noticed that the lawyer always smiles more than the client?

Writing books isn’t a drastic departure from writing for the stage.

The mai tai got its name when two Polynesian alcoholics got in a fight over some neckwear.

Conservatives say if you don't give the rich more money, they will lose their incentive to invest. As for the poor, they tell us they've lost all incentive because we've given them too much money.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Hooray for most things!

Thou shalt keep thy religion to thyself.

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

No one who has had “Taps” played for them has ever been able to hear it.