Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 31

Conservatives say if you don't give the rich more money, they will lose their incentive to invest. As for the poor, they tell us they've lost all incentive because we've given them too much money.

I'm not a person who thinks they can have it all, but I certainly feel that with a bit of effort and guile I should be able to have more than my fair share.

How is it possible to have a civil war?

The mai tai got its name when two Polynesian alcoholics got in a fight over some neckwear.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

I have lots of ideas. Trouble is, most of them suck.

Do you think Sammy Davis ate Junior Mints?

Writing books isn’t a drastic departure from writing for the stage.

Hooray for most things!

I do something about the weather. I stay home.

Have you ever noticed that the lawyer always smiles more than the client?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Pardon me I've got nothing to say.

I love it in a movie when they throw a guy off a cliff. I love it even when it's not a movie. No, especially when it's not a movie.

They debated NAFTA for a long time: should we sign it or not? Either way the people get fucked. Trade always exists for the traders. Anytime you hear businessmen debating “which policy is better for America,” - don’t bend over.