Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 31

Pardon me I've got nothing to say.

How is it possible to have a civil war?

The mai tai got its name when two Polynesian alcoholics got in a fight over some neckwear.

Have you ever noticed that the lawyer always smiles more than the client?

When I was a kid, if a guy got killed in a western movie I always wondered who got his horse.

I have lots of ideas. Trouble is, most of them suck.

I love it in a movie when they throw a guy off a cliff. I love it even when it's not a movie. No, especially when it's not a movie.

Writing books isn’t a drastic departure from writing for the stage.

Hooray for most things!

People get all upset about torture, but when you get right down to it, it’s really a pretty good way of finding out something a person doesn’t want you to know.

We now buy watches primarily for their looks, price, or additional functions. The fact that they tell time seems lost.

Everyone should try to scratch their name on the bomb of life.

They debated NAFTA for a long time: should we sign it or not? Either way the people get fucked. Trade always exists for the traders. Anytime you hear businessmen debating “which policy is better for America,” - don’t bend over.

I’m thinking of buying a church and changing it around: maybe selling crack and having a few whores in the pew.

A lot of times when a package says Open Other End, I purposely open the end where it says that.