Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 32
When someone is impatient and says, "I haven't got all day," I always wonder, how can that be? How can you not have all day?
No one who has had “Taps” played for them has ever been able to hear it.
People can't seem to get it through their heads that there is never any healing or closure. Ever. There is only a short pause before the next "horrifying" event. People forget there is such a thing as memory, and that when a wound "heals" it leaves a permanent scar that never goes away, but merely fades a little. What really ought to be said after one of these so-called tragedies is, "Let the scarring begin."
I'm happy to tell you there is very little in this world that I believe in.
I was what they call a “fussy eater.” ‘He’s fussy! He’s a fussy eater!’ “Fussy eater” is a euphemism for “Big pain in the ass.”
One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
If God had intended us not to masturbate he would've made our arms shorter.
A flag is supposed to represent everything that a country does. It doesn't only represent the good things. If you burn the flag, you're burning the flag for what you perceive to be the bad things the country has done. It's only a symbol. It's only a piece of cloth.
Sometimes a fireman will go to great strenuous lengths to save a raccoon that’s stuck in a drainpipe and then go out on the weekend and kill several of them for amusement.
Why don’t network TV shows have a warning that says "Caution: you are about to watch a real piece of shit."