Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 32

Hooray for most things!

I've never owned a telescope, but it's something I'm thinking of looking into.

I don’t own a camera, so I travel with a police sketch artist.

I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it.

When someone is impatient and says, "I haven't got all day," I always wonder, how can that be? How can you not have all day?

People tell you to have a safe trip, as if you have some control over it.

We now buy watches primarily for their looks, price, or additional functions. The fact that they tell time seems lost.

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.

I can remember staring at the orphanage and feeling envy.

There are ten thousand people in the United States in a persistent vegetative state. Just enough to start a small town. Think of them as veggie-burghers.

One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it.

Suppose I could shoot myself in the mouth, but what if I miss? People will laugh at me.

The older you get, the better you realize you were.