Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 33
There are ten thousand people in the United States in a persistent vegetative state. Just enough to start a small town. Think of them as veggie-burghers.
Suppose I could shoot myself in the mouth, but what if I miss? People will laugh at me.
A flag is supposed to represent everything that a country does. It doesn't only represent the good things. If you burn the flag, you're burning the flag for what you perceive to be the bad things the country has done. It's only a symbol. It's only a piece of cloth.
I'm happy to tell you there is very little in this world that I believe in.
You know what I do? I steal things. Fuck 'em! I grab a handful of candy bars and six magazines and head for the gate.
When you visualize the recent past, do you see it as being somewhere over on the left?
If everyone in the world sat quietly at the same time, closed their eyes and concentrated as hard as they could on peace and goodwill, all the killing and cruelty in the world would continue. And probably increase.
Most of the time people feel okay. Probably it’s because at the moment they’re not actually dying.
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.
If God had intended us not to masturbate he would've made our arms shorter.