Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 33

Why don’t network TV shows have a warning that says "Caution: you are about to watch a real piece of shit."

There are ten thousand people in the United States in a persistent vegetative state. Just enough to start a small town. Think of them as veggie-burghers.

I don’t own a camera, so I travel with a police sketch artist.

I have this real moron thing I do? It's called thinking.

If God had intended us not to masturbate he would've made our arms shorter.

If everyone in the world sat quietly at the same time, closed their eyes and concentrated as hard as they could on peace and goodwill, all the killing and cruelty in the world would continue. And probably increase.

Suppose I could shoot myself in the mouth, but what if I miss? People will laugh at me.

I'm happy to tell you there is very little in this world that I believe in.

You know what I do? I steal things. Fuck 'em! I grab a handful of candy bars and six magazines and head for the gate.

God bless the homicidal maniacs. They make life worthwhile.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

The sicker you get, the harder it is to remember if you took your medicine.

When you visualize the recent past, do you see it as being somewhere over on the left?

Most of the time people feel okay. Probably it’s because at the moment they’re not actually dying.

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.