Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 33

I don’t own a camera, so I travel with a police sketch artist.

If everyone in the world sat quietly at the same time, closed their eyes and concentrated as hard as they could on peace and goodwill, all the killing and cruelty in the world would continue. And probably increase.

When you visualize the recent past, do you see it as being somewhere over on the left?

I have this real moron thing I do? It's called thinking.

God bless the homicidal maniacs. They make life worthwhile.

There are ten thousand people in the United States in a persistent vegetative state. Just enough to start a small town. Think of them as veggie-burghers.

You know what I do? I steal things. Fuck 'em! I grab a handful of candy bars and six magazines and head for the gate.

Why don’t network TV shows have a warning that says "Caution: you are about to watch a real piece of shit."

I'm happy to tell you there is very little in this world that I believe in.

I can remember staring at the orphanage and feeling envy.

One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

If God had intended us not to masturbate he would've made our arms shorter.

Suppose I could shoot myself in the mouth, but what if I miss? People will laugh at me.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

The sicker you get, the harder it is to remember if you took your medicine.