Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 6

There are no bad words. Bad thoughts. Bad intentions, and words.

Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.

I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed.

It isn’t fair: the caterpillar does all the work, and the butterfly gets all the glory.

I have nothing against the planet per se. I root for the big comet or asteroid as a way of cleansing the planet. The comet or asteroid 65 million years ago is probably what gave us our opening to replace the reptiles.

How come when it’s us, it’s an abortion, and when it’s a chicken, it’s an omelette?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

If you live long enough, sooner or later everybody you know has cancer.

By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.

"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it’s because they’re such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.

I’ve never seen a homeless guy with a bottle of Gatorade.

Eventually, alas, I realized the main purpose of buying cocaine is to run out of it.

Put two things together which have never been put together before, and some schmuck will buy it.

Next time they give you all that civic bullshit about voting, keep in mind that Hitler was elected in a full, free democratic election.