Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 6

Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.

Put two things together which have never been put together before, and some schmuck will buy it.

How come when it’s us, it’s an abortion, and when it’s a chicken, it’s an omelette?

I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed.

What a curse it must be being a bisexual. Can you imagine wanting to fuck everybody you meet?!

Reminds me of something my third-grade teacher said to us. She said, “You show me a tropical fruit and I’ll show you a cocksucker from Guatemala.”

A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.

By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.

Eventually, alas, I realized the main purpose of buying cocaine is to run out of it.

It isn’t fair: the caterpillar does all the work, and the butterfly gets all the glory.

You show me something that doesn't cause cancer, and I'll show you something that isn't on the market yet.

When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

If you live long enough, sooner or later everybody you know has cancer.

I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.

Shopping and buying and getting and having comprise the Great American Addiction. No one is immune. When the underclass riots in this country they don’t kill policemen and politicians, they steal merchandise. How embarrassing.