Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 6

Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.

Shopping and buying and getting and having comprise the Great American Addiction. No one is immune. When the underclass riots in this country they don’t kill policemen and politicians, they steal merchandise. How embarrassing.

It isn’t fair: the caterpillar does all the work, and the butterfly gets all the glory.

I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed.

How come when it’s us, it’s an abortion, and when it’s a chicken, it’s an omelette?

I have nothing against the planet per se. I root for the big comet or asteroid as a way of cleansing the planet. The comet or asteroid 65 million years ago is probably what gave us our opening to replace the reptiles.

By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.

If you live long enough, sooner or later everybody you know has cancer.

"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

I’ve never seen a homeless guy with a bottle of Gatorade.

Eventually, alas, I realized the main purpose of buying cocaine is to run out of it.

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Put two things together which have never been put together before, and some schmuck will buy it.

A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.

Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it’s because they’re such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.