Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 6
When I first heard the song "Don’t worry - be happy" I realized it was exactly the kind of mindless philosophy that Americans would respond to. It would make a great national anthem along with "Me first".
Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.
How come when it’s us, it’s an abortion, and when it’s a chicken, it’s an omelette?
If you live long enough, sooner or later everybody you know has cancer.
It isn’t fair: the caterpillar does all the work, and the butterfly gets all the glory.
Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it’s because they’re such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.
There are no bad words. Bad thoughts. Bad intentions, and words.
Next time they give you all that civic bullshit about voting, keep in mind that Hitler was elected in a full, free democratic election.
"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
I have nothing against the planet per se. I root for the big comet or asteroid as a way of cleansing the planet. The comet or asteroid 65 million years ago is probably what gave us our opening to replace the reptiles.
I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.
The next time a prostitute solicits your business, ask for the clergyman’s rate.