Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 7

I’ve never seen a homeless guy with a bottle of Gatorade.

Put two things together which have never been put together before, and some schmuck will buy it.

All music is the blues. All of it.

Everything beeps now.

Regarding the fitness craze: America has lost its soul; now it's trying to save its body.

A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.

Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.

I wanna live. I don’t wanna die. That’s the whole meaning of life: not dying! I figured that shit out by myself in the third grade.

If the cops didn’t see it, I didn’t do it!

Boxing is a more sophisticated form of hockey.

The truth is Pavlov's dog trained Pavlov to ring his bell just before the dog salivated.

If you think there's a solution, you're part of the problem.

If the Cincinnati Reds were really the first major league baseball team, who did they play?

You know how you speed up baseball? Everybody gets one swing. That's it one swing fuck you, you're out sit down!

You show me a lazy prick who's lying in bed all day, watching TV, only occasionally getting up to piss, and I'll show you a guy who's not causing any trouble.