Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 7

I’ve never seen a homeless guy with a bottle of Gatorade.

If the Cincinnati Reds were really the first major league baseball team, who did they play?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

The mayfly lives only one day. And sometimes it rains.

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it’s because they’re such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.

Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.

All music is the blues. All of it.

If you think there's a solution, you're part of the problem.

If the cops didn’t see it, I didn’t do it!

It's important in life if you don't give a shit. It can help you a lot.

I wanna live. I don’t wanna die. That’s the whole meaning of life: not dying! I figured that shit out by myself in the third grade.

Next time they give you all that civic bullshit about voting, keep in mind that Hitler was elected in a full, free democratic election.

Boxing is a more sophisticated form of hockey.

The truth is Pavlov's dog trained Pavlov to ring his bell just before the dog salivated.