Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 7

Next time they give you all that civic bullshit about voting, keep in mind that Hitler was elected in a full, free democratic election.

Everything beeps now.

All music is the blues. All of it.

I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.

The next time a prostitute solicits your business, ask for the clergyman’s rate.

Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.

Boxing is a more sophisticated form of hockey.

If the Cincinnati Reds were really the first major league baseball team, who did they play?

The truth is Pavlov's dog trained Pavlov to ring his bell just before the dog salivated.

If the cops didn’t see it, I didn’t do it!

If you think there's a solution, you're part of the problem.

Regarding the fitness craze: America has lost its soul; now it's trying to save its body.

I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

I’m a visionary; I’m ahead of my time. Trouble is, I’m only about an hour and a half ahead.

You know how you speed up baseball? Everybody gets one swing. That's it one swing fuck you, you're out sit down!