Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 7

A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.

I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.

Everything beeps now.

The next time a prostitute solicits your business, ask for the clergyman’s rate.

All music is the blues. All of it.

Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.

The truth is Pavlov's dog trained Pavlov to ring his bell just before the dog salivated.

Boxing is a more sophisticated form of hockey.

If the cops didn’t see it, I didn’t do it!

If the Cincinnati Reds were really the first major league baseball team, who did they play?

I wanna live. I don’t wanna die. That’s the whole meaning of life: not dying! I figured that shit out by myself in the third grade.

You know how you speed up baseball? Everybody gets one swing. That's it one swing fuck you, you're out sit down!

If you think there's a solution, you're part of the problem.

Regarding the fitness craze: America has lost its soul; now it's trying to save its body.

I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.