Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 7

Put two things together which have never been put together before, and some schmuck will buy it.

I’ve never seen a homeless guy with a bottle of Gatorade.

All music is the blues. All of it.

I wanna live. I don’t wanna die. That’s the whole meaning of life: not dying! I figured that shit out by myself in the third grade.

Regarding the fitness craze: America has lost its soul; now it's trying to save its body.

Everything beeps now.

Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.

A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.

If you think there's a solution, you're part of the problem.

If the cops didn’t see it, I didn’t do it!

The truth is Pavlov's dog trained Pavlov to ring his bell just before the dog salivated.

Boxing is a more sophisticated form of hockey.

If the Cincinnati Reds were really the first major league baseball team, who did they play?

In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem.

I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.