Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 7

You show me something that doesn't cause cancer, and I'll show you something that isn't on the market yet.

Whoever coined the term “Buyer Beware” was probably bleeding from the asshole.

If the cops didn’t see it, I didn’t do it!

All music is the blues. All of it.

I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.

Hard work is a misleading term. Physical effort and long hours do not constitute hard work. Hard work is when someone pays you to do something you'd rather not be doing. Anytime you'd rather be doing something other than the thing you're doing, you're doing hard work.

The truth is Pavlov's dog trained Pavlov to ring his bell just before the dog salivated.

Regarding the fitness craze: America has lost its soul; now it's trying to save its body.

When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Boxing is a more sophisticated form of hockey.

I’ve never seen a homeless guy with a bottle of Gatorade.

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.

You can’t fight City Hall, but you can goddamn sure blow it up.