Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 8

In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem.

It's important in life if you don't give a shit. It can help you a lot.

You can’t fight City Hall, but you can goddamn sure blow it up.

Shopping and buying and getting and having comprise the Great American Addiction. No one is immune. When the underclass riots in this country they don’t kill policemen and politicians, they steal merchandise. How embarrassing.

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.

The next time a prostitute solicits your business, ask for the clergyman’s rate.

Make-believe cowboys. Closest they've ever gotten to a cow is when they stopped to take a piss at an Arby's.

I wanna live. I don’t wanna die. That’s the whole meaning of life: not dying! I figured that shit out by myself in the third grade.

You show me a lazy prick who's lying in bed all day, watching TV, only occasionally getting up to piss, and I'll show you a guy who's not causing any trouble.

If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

Next time they give you all that civic bullshit about voting, keep in mind that Hitler was elected in a full, free democratic election.

If you’re reading it in a book, folks, it ain’t self-help. It’s help.

I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

You know how you speed up baseball? Everybody gets one swing. That's it one swing fuck you, you're out sit down!