Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 8

You show me a lazy prick who's lying in bed all day, watching TV, only occasionally getting up to piss, and I'll show you a guy who's not causing any trouble.

It's important in life if you don't give a shit. It can help you a lot.

In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem.

Suppose you took an oath by placing your right hand on the Bible and raising your left? Would it still count? Does God really give a shit? Does anyone?

The mayfly lives only one day. And sometimes it rains.

I’m a visionary; I’m ahead of my time. Trouble is, I’m only about an hour and a half ahead.

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Do you remember Barbara Bush? I call her the silver douchebag.

So I say, “Live and let live.” That’s my motto. “Live and let live.” Anyone who can’t go along with that, take him outside and shoot the motherfucker. It’s a simple philosophy, but it’s always worked in our family.

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

Whever you see the word cuisine used instead of the word food, be prepared to pay an additional eighty percent.

What a curse it must be being a bisexual. Can you imagine wanting to fuck everybody you meet?!

I really haven't seen this many people in one place since they took the group photographs of all the criminals and lawbreakers in the Ronald Reagan Administration.

There are women named Faith, Hope, Joy, and Prudence. Why not Despair, Guilt, Rage, and Grief? It seems only right. "Tom, I'd like you to meet the girl of my dreams, Tragedy." These days, Trajedi.