Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 8

I wanna live. I don’t wanna die. That’s the whole meaning of life: not dying! I figured that shit out by myself in the third grade.

You show me a lazy prick who's lying in bed all day, watching TV, only occasionally getting up to piss, and I'll show you a guy who's not causing any trouble.

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem.

The mayfly lives only one day. And sometimes it rains.

What a curse it must be being a bisexual. Can you imagine wanting to fuck everybody you meet?!

It's important in life if you don't give a shit. It can help you a lot.

Do you remember Barbara Bush? I call her the silver douchebag.

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Suppose you took an oath by placing your right hand on the Bible and raising your left? Would it still count? Does God really give a shit? Does anyone?

Whever you see the word cuisine used instead of the word food, be prepared to pay an additional eighty percent.

I really haven't seen this many people in one place since they took the group photographs of all the criminals and lawbreakers in the Ronald Reagan Administration.

Hard work is a misleading term. Physical effort and long hours do not constitute hard work. Hard work is when someone pays you to do something you'd rather not be doing. Anytime you'd rather be doing something other than the thing you're doing, you're doing hard work.

So I say, “Live and let live.” That’s my motto. “Live and let live.” Anyone who can’t go along with that, take him outside and shoot the motherfucker. It’s a simple philosophy, but it’s always worked in our family.