Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 8

Regarding the fitness craze: America has lost its soul; now it's trying to save its body.

I love and treasure individuals as I meet them; I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to.

Hard work is a misleading term. Physical effort and long hours do not constitute hard work. Hard work is when someone pays you to do something you'd rather not be doing. Anytime you'd rather be doing something other than the thing you're doing, you're doing hard work.

You show me a lazy prick who's lying in bed all day, watching TV, only occasionally getting up to piss, and I'll show you a guy who's not causing any trouble.

You know how you speed up baseball? Everybody gets one swing. That's it one swing fuck you, you're out sit down!

The next time a prostitute solicits your business, ask for the clergyman’s rate.

If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.

Everything beeps now.

In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem.

Do you remember Barbara Bush? I call her the silver douchebag.

You can’t fight City Hall, but you can goddamn sure blow it up.

I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

Whoever coined the term “Buyer Beware” was probably bleeding from the asshole.