Quotes & Jokes by Greg Behrendt / page 4

If he's choosing not to make a simple effort that would put you at ease and bring harmony to a recurring fight, then he doesn't respect your feelings and needs.

Here's something else to think about: calling when you say you're going to is the very first brick in the house you are building of love and trust. If he can't lay this one stupid brick down, you ain't never gonna have a house baby, and it's cold outside.

It is with great sadness and a heavy heart that have to announce that I ate kale and liked it.

Remember always what you set out to get, and please don’t settle for less.

I've never tried to pass myself off as anything more than a comedian who wrote a dating book.

Personally, when I’m picking friends, I like the ones who don’t make me cry myself to sleep.

There are many different kinds of assholes in the world. But there's one particular kind of asshole that you see at the airport that's so annoying, and that is the person that is dressed like the destination to which it is they are flying. Do you know what I'm saying? The people that wear what they think the native costume of the land is that their going to. We're going to Denver, and I swear to you, this motherfucker had a parka made of bears.

Anyone who assesses you or your relationship as disposable is not worthy of your time or tears.

Part of me also knows that this generation is the least racist and most pro-gay, so that’s great. But they have a real lack of gravitas. And they have no taste in music. Vampire Weekend? Can we play some music, please? Can we rock out for a minute? Where’s your Metallica?

Always be classy. Never be crazy.

I always tell people it's funny that they think I'm a relationship expert because my two books are about getting out of relationships.

I’m the co-author of two relatively popular relationship books…Because of that I’m asked questions quite a bit… Questions about the relationships the person is in. Generally, it’s a woman. Generally, the answers are pretty easy. “I’ve been seeing this guy, Greg. And he doesn’t call.” He doesn’t like you. That’s it. We don’t have to say any more… They’ll say, “Greg, my boyfriend is married…” Say that back to yourself.

There are only so many ways to get people to go see stand-up, that it really is about the product; it’s not so much about the theme of the show.

First of all never buy a man a plasma TV until youre married. A lot of men once they have a plasma TV they don't need a girlfriend.

Life is hard enough as it is without choosing someone difficult to share it with.