Quotes & Jokes by Greg Behrendt / page 4
When a guy is into you, he lets you know it. He calls, he shows up, he wants to meet your friends, he can’t keep his eyes or hands off of you.
I've never tried to pass myself off as anything more than a comedian who wrote a dating book.
Anyone who assesses you or your relationship as disposable is not worthy of your time or tears.
Two people in a relationship either grow together or apart over time.
There are many different kinds of assholes in the world. But there's one particular kind of asshole that you see at the airport that's so annoying, and that is the person that is dressed like the destination to which it is they are flying. Do you know what I'm saying? The people that wear what they think the native costume of the land is that their going to. We're going to Denver, and I swear to you, this motherfucker had a parka made of bears.
There are three kinda men in the world. There's men that own rope, men that use eye creme, and that dude from Nickleback.
I’m the co-author of two relatively popular relationship books…Because of that I’m asked questions quite a bit… Questions about the relationships the person is in. Generally, it’s a woman. Generally, the answers are pretty easy. “I’ve been seeing this guy, Greg. And he doesn’t call.” He doesn’t like you. That’s it. We don’t have to say any more… They’ll say, “Greg, my boyfriend is married…” Say that back to yourself.
I just told someone they had a "manly-ass jacket." I may have to give up speaking as my primary form of communication.
Personally, when I’m picking friends, I like the ones who don’t make me cry myself to sleep.
Remember always what you set out to get, and please don’t settle for less.
If he's choosing not to make a simple effort that would put you at ease and bring harmony to a recurring fight, then he doesn't respect your feelings and needs.
There are only so many ways to get people to go see stand-up, that it really is about the product; it’s not so much about the theme of the show.
Because here’s what guys don’t do if they can’t live without you: they don’t break up with you.