Quotes & Jokes by Greg Behrendt / page 5

I was coming down the street today with my girlfriend. This guy shouts out, 'Hey man, your girlfriend's a peach!' And I thought, 'Well, that's nice.' And then it turns out she has a really fuzzy face and a stem.

Because here’s what guys don’t do if they can’t live without you: they don’t break up with you.

If you sell things over the phone, the dream went awry somewhere, and you're working in a sweat box trying to make quota so you can buy some speed.

Don't you want the guy who'll forget about all the other things in his life before he forgets about you?

It's very tempting when you really want to be with someone to settle for much, much less - even a vague pathetic facsimile of less - than you would have ever imagined. Remember always what you set out to get and please don't settle for less. These guys exist because there are a lot of women out there who allow them to.

Lying, cheating, hiding is the exact opposite of the behavior of a man who’s really into you.

The reason it's so painful when someone disappears is you have to face the fact that the person you loved had probably left you a long time before he grabbed his coat and scrammed.

This country is in a big hurry to go nowhere.

It`s the prettiest place on the planet. My childhood was like a dream. It`s like the last Mayberry.

If you open up the hood and start talking about, 'That's got a dual-head-cammy,' you might as well say, 'Banana, banana, banana.' I don't know what the fuck you're talking about.

There will never be a good time financially to get married unless you're Shaq or Ray Romano. But somehow people manage. If your man is using money as an excuse not to marry you its your relationship that's insecure not his bank account.

My wife's beautiful. That's why I married her. Because I want to see her every day.

Part of being a comedian is that it's your job to look at life and regurgitate it in a funny way, to point out its absurdities.

I think the time it takes to feel better about a break up is directly proportional to the time it takes to feel better about yourself.

Why should you feel honored for getting scraps of his time?