Quotes & Jokes by Greg Behrendt / page 6

If you sell things over the phone, the dream went awry somewhere, and you're working in a sweat box trying to make quota so you can buy some speed.

My buddy Tom... he'd been chasing a girl for two years, and he got her the old-fashioned way - dates and listening.

As a guy I never liked being told to call, which my wife really never does, and that’s why I call her as often as I do.

If you open up the hood and start talking about, 'That's got a dual-head-cammy,' you might as well say, 'Banana, banana, banana.' I don't know what the fuck you're talking about.

I believe in love the verb, not the noun.

I think the time it takes to feel better about a break up is directly proportional to the time it takes to feel better about yourself.

For as much as I know about being a guy, I ought to go to a hardware store wearing a tiara. 'Hi, do you have a bang-bang-bang to put the pointy thing in? I need a grab-hold and twisty because I'm putting up some - help! - curtains.'

If you can find him, then he can find you. If he wants to find you, he will.

When it comes to men, deal with them as they are, not how you’d like them to be.

Cheaters never prosper. Because they suck.

If the guy you’re dating doesn’t seem to be completely into you, or you feel the need to start ‘figuring him out,’ please consider the glorious thought that he might just not be that into you. And then free yourself to go find someone that is.

Sometimes we become attached to what’s familiar, and sometimes we hold on to things that are safe and predictable, even if they are bad for us.

When you unleash the mix upon her, she will understand the beauty of who you are as a human being, and then she will melt and be in your bedroom soon. That's the plan with the mix.

Let’s start with this statistic: You are delicious. Be brave, my sweet. I know you can get lonely. I know you can crave companionship and sex and love so badly that it physically hurts. But I truly believe that the only way you can find out that there’s something better out there is to first believe there’s something better out there. What other choice is there?

Be yourself. If something you do doesn't work, don't do it the next time. Listen to yourself - you know what appropriate behavior is.