Quotes & Jokes by Greg Behrendt / page 6

Sometimes we become attached to what’s familiar, and sometimes we hold on to things that are safe and predictable, even if they are bad for us.

I mean, I feel like you can kill the same bird with both stones.

When you unleash the mix upon her, she will understand the beauty of who you are as a human being, and then she will melt and be in your bedroom soon. That's the plan with the mix.

Here's something else to think about: calling when you say you're going to is the very first brick in the house you are building of love and trust. If he can't lay this one stupid brick down, you ain't never gonna have a house baby, and it's cold outside.

Young people are gross with their faces and their hope.

If the guy you’re dating doesn’t seem to be completely into you, or you feel the need to start ‘figuring him out,’ please consider the glorious thought that he might just not be that into you. And then free yourself to go find someone that is.

Why should you feel honored for getting scraps of his time?

Part of being a comedian is that it's your job to look at life and regurgitate it in a funny way, to point out its absurdities.

My buddy Tom... he'd been chasing a girl for two years, and he got her the old-fashioned way - dates and listening.

Good enough to tweet, not to say.

If a guy is treating you like he doesn’t give a shit, he genuinely doesn’t give a shit. No exceptions.

Alone also means available for someone outstanding.

If you can find him, then he can find you. If he wants to find you, he will.

I believe in love the verb, not the noun.

For as much as I know about being a guy, I ought to go to a hardware store wearing a tiara. 'Hi, do you have a bang-bang-bang to put the pointy thing in? I need a grab-hold and twisty because I'm putting up some - help! - curtains.'