Quotes & Jokes by Greg Behrendt / page 7

Every time you see him, you only make yourself vulnerable to further heartache. Do you really need further proof that he’s getting on with his life without you?

If he’s not calling you, it’s because you are not on his mind. If he creates expectations for you, and then doesn’t follow through on little things, he will do same for big things. Be aware of this and realize that he’s okay with disappointing you.

Young people are gross with their faces and their hope.

You picked a lemon, throw it away lemonade is overrated. Freaks should remain at the circus, not in your apartment. You already have one asshole. You don’t need another. Make a space in your life for the glorious things you deserve. Have faith.

We have become a sloppy bunch of people. We say things we don't mean. We make promises we don't keep. "I'll call you." "Let's get together." We know we won't.

Better than nothing is not good enough for you!

If a guy is treating you like he doesn’t give a shit, he genuinely doesn’t give a shit. No exceptions.

You break up with us, we get drunk and then stand on your lawn, and then a cop comes. I'll be like, 'Oh, this is over! I get it. It's over. Gotcha.'

I'm tired of seeing great women in bullshit relationships.

So, I'm 34. I'm kind of becoming an adult - kind of, I guess. But I know that I am because, the other day, I said to somebody, 'Dude, dude, don't - those are the good plates.'

Try not to be four years into a relationship when it suddenly dawns on you that the guy you're with is a big, selfish jerk.

I want you to be yourself, but not with other dudes.

If he's unsure, then he's unsure, and that's an answer - unsure is 'no.' The phrase 'I love you, but I'm not in love with you' really is this. The first 'I love you' means, 'I don't want to hurt you.' The second one means, 'I'm not in love with you.' That's bad news. 'I'm not in love with you' is 'I'm not in love with you.'

Just because he’s busy doesn’t make him more valuable. “Busy” does not mean “better”.

Part of being a comedian is that it's your job to look at life and regurgitate it in a funny way, to point out its absurdities.