Quotes & Jokes by Greg Behrendt / page 8
Part of being a comedian is that it's your job to look at life and regurgitate it in a funny way, to point out its absurdities.
It's time to stop pretending I'm ok with things I'm not ok with like all insects and Foster the People.
Just because he’s busy doesn’t make him more valuable. “Busy” does not mean “better”.
Most comics worship music on some level. It's more rock-n-roll to get up there for an hour and make people laugh.
It is in that moment, when you really lay down your cards and see the relationship for what it was, that you'll find the freedom to kick it in the ass and let it go.
If a guy truly likes you, but for personal reasons he needs to take things slow, he will let you know that immediately. He won’t keep you guessing, because he’ll want to make sure you don’ get frustrated and go away.
Why wouldn't he be, he's the son of God? He's not gonna be walking around going, 'Oh, I've got back fat today. I'm so puffy.'
Most people don't want to leave their wife and children behind but many people seem to want to take leave of themselves.
I don't have to edit myself. I get to be me, warts and all, and that's ultimately what people want, and to trust each other implicitly.
When you're in your 20s and 30s and you drop some weight, people notice, they're nice about it. They're like, 'Hey man, you look good!' But when you're in your 40s and you lose weight, people are like, 'You doin' all right?'
Don’t be flattered that he misses you. He should miss you. You are deeply missable. However, he’s still the same person who just broke up with you. Remember, the only reason he can miss you is because he’s choosing, every day, not to be with you.
Being brokenhearted is like having broken ribs. On the outside it looks like nothing's wrong, but every breath hurts.
I'm no longer a prisoner of my fears. Which really just means I'm using real butter.
If I had butterscotch pants and a cheetah sweater... I'd be just fine.