Quotes & Jokes by Henny Youngman / page 10

I bet on a horse at ten-to-one. It didn't come in until half-past five.

My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.

My brother then opened a tall man's shop in Tokyo.

I don't fly on account of my religion. I'm a devout coward.

I know a man in Ft. Worth with 100,000 head of cattle. No bodies, just heads.

Three weeks ago, she learned how to drive. Last week she learned how to aim it.

Those bellhops in Miami are tip-happy. I ordered a deck of playing cards and the bellboy made fifty-two trips to my room.

Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars' worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it.

So I said, "Where do you want to go for your anniversary?" She said: "I want to go somewhere I've never been before." I said, "Try the kitchen."

That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position!

Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says, "Huh. I lost 100 pounds!"

There were three kids in my family. One of each sex.

I'm paid to make an idiot out of myself. Why do you do it for free?

My wife is a light eater - as soon as it's light, she starts to eat.

My wife’s an earth sign. I’m a water sign. Together we make mud.