Quotes & Jokes by Henny Youngman / page 10

He was born on April 2. A day late.

I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.

She's a big-hearted girl with hips to match.

A bum came up to me saying "I haven't eaten in two days!" I said, "You should force yourself!"

The room is so small, when I put the key in, I broke the window!

My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.

My brother then opened a tall man's shop in Tokyo.

Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars' worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says, "Huh. I lost 100 pounds!"

I'm paid to make an idiot out of myself. Why do you do it for free?

I bet on a horse at ten-to-one. It didn't come in until half-past five.

A man goes to a barbershop and asks, "How many ahead of me?" "Five." The man leaves. He comes back the next day and asks, "How many ahead of me?" "Four." The man leaves. He comes back the next day and asks, "How many ahead of me?" "Six." The man leaves, and the barber says to another, "Follow that man!" The man comes back and says, "He goes to your house!"

Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous.

She must have Egyptian blood. Every time I try to kiss her, she says "Tut, Tut!"