Quotes & Jokes by Henny Youngman / page 10

I know a man in Ft. Worth with 100,000 head of cattle. No bodies, just heads.

The room is so small, when I put the key in, I broke the window!

She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate.

My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.

My brother then opened a tall man's shop in Tokyo.

Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars' worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it.

Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says, "Huh. I lost 100 pounds!"

Three weeks ago, she learned how to drive. Last week she learned how to aim it.

I bet on a horse at ten-to-one. It didn't come in until half-past five.

Those bellhops in Miami are tip-happy. I ordered a deck of playing cards and the bellboy made fifty-two trips to my room.

So I said, "Where do you want to go for your anniversary?" She said: "I want to go somewhere I've never been before." I said, "Try the kitchen."

I'm paid to make an idiot out of myself. Why do you do it for free?

There were three kids in my family. One of each sex.

A car hit a Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living."

My wife’s an earth sign. I’m a water sign. Together we make mud.