Quotes & Jokes by Henny Youngman / page 10

I was just in London - there is a 6-hour time difference. I'm still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry.

Take my wife... Please!

There were three kids in my family. One of each sex.

My doctor grabbed me by the wallet and said "Cough!"

Are you Polish? Okay, I'll talk slower.

Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars' worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it.

He had a defect, which to a comic might be fatal. He wasn't funny.

You have a nice personality, but not for a human being.

My horse was so late getting home, he tiptoed into the stable.

Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.

My wife drives the wrong way on a one way street. The cop pulled her over and asked, "Where are you going?" My wife said, "I must be late, everyone is all coming back!"

The Doctor says "You'll live to be 60." "I am 60!" "See, what did I tell you?"

My brother then opened a tall man's shop in Tokyo.

Losing a wife can be very hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

Most girls are attracted to the simple things in life. Like men.