Quotes & Jokes by Henny Youngman / page 10

Are you Polish? Okay, I'll talk slower.

She's a big-hearted girl with hips to match.

She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate.

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

A Polish man bought a zebra for a pet. What does he call the zebra? Spot!

I know a man in Ft. Worth with 100,000 head of cattle. No bodies, just heads.

I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.

My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.

A man goes to a barbershop and asks, "How many ahead of me?" "Five." The man leaves. He comes back the next day and asks, "How many ahead of me?" "Four." The man leaves. He comes back the next day and asks, "How many ahead of me?" "Six." The man leaves, and the barber says to another, "Follow that man!" The man comes back and says, "He goes to your house!"

How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put 'page 2.'

A bum came up to me saying "I haven't eaten in two days!" I said, "You should force yourself!"

Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says, "Huh. I lost 100 pounds!"

Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars' worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it.

Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous.

I bet on a horse at ten-to-one. It didn't come in until half-past five.