Quotes & Jokes by Henny Youngman / page 10

I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.

My wife’s an earth sign. I’m a water sign. Together we make mud.

My wife is a light eater - as soon as it's light, she starts to eat.

Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says, "Huh. I lost 100 pounds!"

Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars' worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it.

There were three kids in my family. One of each sex.

I was just in London - there is a 6-hour time difference. I'm still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry.

My doctor grabbed me by the wallet and said "Cough!"

Most girls are attracted to the simple things in life. Like men.

This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.

A car hit a Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living."

My horse was so late getting home, he tiptoed into the stable.

Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.

Are you Polish? Okay, I'll talk slower.

Take my wife... Please!