Quotes & Jokes by Henny Youngman / page 10

How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put 'page 2.'

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

The room is so small, when I put the key in, I broke the window!

Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says, "Huh. I lost 100 pounds!"

My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.

My brother then opened a tall man's shop in Tokyo.

I'm paid to make an idiot out of myself. Why do you do it for free?

Three weeks ago, she learned how to drive. Last week she learned how to aim it.

She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate.

A Polish man in a helicopter. Goes up to 800 feet. Down it comes! What happened? "It got chilly up there, so I turned off the fan!"

I bet on a horse at ten-to-one. It didn't come in until half-past five.

Those bellhops in Miami are tip-happy. I ordered a deck of playing cards and the bellboy made fifty-two trips to my room.

She's a big-hearted girl with hips to match.

So I said, "Where do you want to go for your anniversary?" She said: "I want to go somewhere I've never been before." I said, "Try the kitchen."

Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous.