Quotes & Jokes by Henny Youngman / page 10

I was just in London - there is a 6-hour time difference. I'm still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry.

She's a big-hearted girl with hips to match.

Are you Polish? Okay, I'll talk slower.

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

A bum came up to me saying "I haven't eaten in two days!" I said, "You should force yourself!"

How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put 'page 2.'

My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.

A man goes to a barbershop and asks, "How many ahead of me?" "Five." The man leaves. He comes back the next day and asks, "How many ahead of me?" "Four." The man leaves. He comes back the next day and asks, "How many ahead of me?" "Six." The man leaves, and the barber says to another, "Follow that man!" The man comes back and says, "He goes to your house!"

I know a man in Ft. Worth with 100,000 head of cattle. No bodies, just heads.

I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.

A Polish man bought a zebra for a pet. What does he call the zebra? Spot!

The room is so small, when I put the key in, I broke the window!

Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says, "Huh. I lost 100 pounds!"

I bet on a horse at ten-to-one. It didn't come in until half-past five.

Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars' worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it.