Quotes & Jokes by Henny Youngman / page 9

My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator.

Someday you'll go to far, and I hope you'll stay there.

I'd like to say we're glad you're here - I'd like to say it...

If I had blood, I'd blush.

"Doctor, my leg hurts. What can I do?" The doctor says "Limp!"

Losing a wife can be very hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says "That's what puzzles me!"

He was born on April 2. A day late.

During the war an Italian girl saved my life. She hid me in her basement in Cleveland.

I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.

My wife is on a diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn’t lost any weight, but she can sure climb a tree.

A little man is running a jewelry store. A man runs in saying, "Okay, take my watch, put on a new band, install a new battery, clean the case, install a new crystal, and tune it up. I will be back in a half hour for it. Thanks!" and runs out the door. The little jeweler says, "C-C-C-Come in?"

That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position!

I know a man who is a diamond cutter. He mows the lawn at Yankee Stadium.

I was just in London - there is a 6-hour time difference. I'm still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry.