Quotes & Jokes by Henny Youngman / page 9

Someday you'll go to far, and I hope you'll stay there.

During the war an Italian girl saved my life. She hid me in her basement in Cleveland.

My wife is the sweetest, most tolerant, most beautiful woman in the world. This is a paid political announcement.

A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says "That's what puzzles me!"

I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.

My wife is on a diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn’t lost any weight, but she can sure climb a tree.

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

"Doctor, my leg hurts. What can I do?" The doctor says "Limp!"

I was just in London - there is a 6-hour time difference. I'm still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry.

Losing a wife can be very hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.

How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put 'page 2.'

That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position!

Are you Polish? Okay, I'll talk slower.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.