Quotes & Jokes by Henny Youngman / page 9

Someday you'll go to far, and I hope you'll stay there.

"Doctor, my leg hurts. What can I do?" The doctor says "Limp!"

During the war an Italian girl saved my life. She hid me in her basement in Cleveland.

My wife is the sweetest, most tolerant, most beautiful woman in the world. This is a paid political announcement.

A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says "That's what puzzles me!"

I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.

That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position!

My wife is on a diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn’t lost any weight, but she can sure climb a tree.

Losing a wife can be very hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

I was just in London - there is a 6-hour time difference. I'm still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry.

I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

Are you Polish? Okay, I'll talk slower.

I know a man in Ft. Worth with 100,000 head of cattle. No bodies, just heads.

Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars' worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it.