Quotes & Jokes by Henny Youngman / page 9
The room is so small, when I put the key in, I broke the window!
So I said, "Where do you want to go for your anniversary?" She said: "I want to go somewhere I've never been before." I said, "Try the kitchen."
I bet on a horse at ten-to-one. It didn't come in until half-past five.
A guy says, "I'm so old that I forgot how old I am." An old woman says, "I'll tell you how old you are. Take off your clothes and bend over." The man does this. The woman says, "You're seventy four." The man says, "How can you tell?" The woman says, "You told me yesterday."
My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.
During the war an Italian girl saved my life. She hid me in her basement in Cleveland.
Two guys in a gym, one putting on a girdle. One guys says, 'Since when have you been wearing a girdle?' Other guy says, 'Since my wife found it in the glove compartment of our car.'
I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.
Three weeks ago, she learned how to drive. Last week she learned how to aim it.
How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put 'page 2.'
My wife is a light eater - as soon as it's light, she starts to eat.