Quotes & Jokes by Henny Youngman / page 9

During the war an Italian girl saved my life. She hid me in her basement in Cleveland.

A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says "That's what puzzles me!"

I went out with a girl last night. She wasn't a Lana Turner. She was more of a stomach turner.

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.

How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put 'page 2.'

My wife is on a diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn’t lost any weight, but she can sure climb a tree.

Losing a wife can be very hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.

"Doctor, my leg hurts. What can I do?" The doctor says "Limp!"

I was just in London - there is a 6-hour time difference. I'm still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry.

Are you Polish? Okay, I'll talk slower.

The room is so small, when I put the key in, I broke the window!

She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate.