Quotes & Jokes by Henny Youngman / page 9

Someday you'll go to far, and I hope you'll stay there.

I bet on a horse at ten-to-one. It didn't come in until half-past five.

She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate.

Two guys in a gym, one putting on a girdle. One guys says, 'Since when have you been wearing a girdle?' Other guy says, 'Since my wife found it in the glove compartment of our car.'

The room is so small, when I put the key in, I broke the window!

She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.

How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put 'page 2.'

My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.

He had a defect, which to a comic might be fatal. He wasn't funny.

I don't fly on account of my religion. I'm a devout coward.

So I said, "Where do you want to go for your anniversary?" She said: "I want to go somewhere I've never been before." I said, "Try the kitchen."

A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says "That's what puzzles me!"

During the war an Italian girl saved my life. She hid me in her basement in Cleveland.

Three weeks ago, she learned how to drive. Last week she learned how to aim it.

Those bellhops in Miami are tip-happy. I ordered a deck of playing cards and the bellboy made fifty-two trips to my room.