Quotes & Jokes by Henny Youngman / page 11

Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous.

Was that suit made to order? Where were you at the time?

My doctor grabbed me by the wallet and said "Cough!"

A car hit a Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living."

The Doctor says "You'll live to be 60." "I am 60!" "See, what did I tell you?"

All my wife does is shop - once she was sick for a week, and three stores went under.

A Polish man in a helicopter. Goes up to 800 feet. Down it comes! What happened? "It got chilly up there, so I turned off the fan!"

Most girls are attracted to the simple things in life. Like men.

This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.

When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say.

My horse was so late getting home, he tiptoed into the stable.

I was walking down the street, and I found a man's hand in my pocket. I asked "What do you want?" "A match." "Why didn't you ask me?" "I don't talk to strangers."

If you have your life to live over again, don't do it.

You have a nice personality, but not for a human being.

Take my wife... Please!