Quotes & Jokes by Henny Youngman / page 11

Losing a wife can be very hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

All my wife does is shop - once she was sick for a week, and three stores went under.

My wife drives the wrong way on a one way street. The cop pulled her over and asked, "Where are you going?" My wife said, "I must be late, everyone is all coming back!"

The Doctor says "You'll live to be 60." "I am 60!" "See, what did I tell you?"

I'm paid to make an idiot out of myself. Why do you do it for free?

My brother then opened a tall man's shop in Tokyo.

When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say.

A bum came up to me saying "I haven't eaten in two days!" I said, "You should force yourself!"

If you have your life to live over again, don't do it.

You have a nice personality, but not for a human being.

A Polish man in a helicopter. Goes up to 800 feet. Down it comes! What happened? "It got chilly up there, so I turned off the fan!"

I know a man in Ft. Worth with 100,000 head of cattle. No bodies, just heads.

When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.

What is a home without children? Quiet.

I'd commit suicide, if I could do it without killing myself.