Quotes & Jokes by Henny Youngman / page 11

Those bellhops in Miami are tip-happy. I ordered a deck of playing cards and the bellboy made fifty-two trips to my room.

A bum came up to me saying "I haven't eaten in two days!" I said, "You should force yourself!"

Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says, "Huh. I lost 100 pounds!"

If you have your life to live over again, don't do it.

A car hit a Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living."

All my wife does is shop - once she was sick for a week, and three stores went under.

A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says "That's what puzzles me!"

I'm paid to make an idiot out of myself. Why do you do it for free?

When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say.

This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.

When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.

A Polish man in a helicopter. Goes up to 800 feet. Down it comes! What happened? "It got chilly up there, so I turned off the fan!"

I know a man in Ft. Worth with 100,000 head of cattle. No bodies, just heads.

What is a home without children? Quiet.

That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position!