Quotes & Jokes by Henny Youngman / page 11

A car hit a Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living."

A little man is running a jewelry store. A man runs in saying, "Okay, take my watch, put on a new band, install a new battery, clean the case, install a new crystal, and tune it up. I will be back in a half hour for it. Thanks!" and runs out the door. The little jeweler says, "C-C-C-Come in?"

My wife has a keen sense of humor. The more I humor her, the better.

He was born on April 2. A day late.

A bum came up to me saying "I haven't eaten in two days!" I said, "You should force yourself!"

Most girls are attracted to the simple things in life. Like men.

My doctor grabbed me by the wallet and said "Cough!"

My brother then bought 1000 Japanese cameras. They all go, "Crick".

Was that suit made to order? Where were you at the time?

My wife’s an earth sign. I’m a water sign. Together we make mud.

There were three kids in my family. One of each sex.

When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say.

She must have Egyptian blood. Every time I try to kiss her, she says "Tut, Tut!"

My wife is a light eater - as soon as it's light, she starts to eat.

I know a man who is a diamond cutter. He mows the lawn at Yankee Stadium.