Quotes & Jokes by Henny Youngman / page 12

If you have your life to live over again, don't do it.

A bum came up to me saying "I haven't eaten in two days!" I said, "You should force yourself!"

She has a wash and wear bridal gown.

When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.

Two Santa Clauses on the corner. How can you tell the Polish one? The one with the Easter basket.

I asked a Jewish man "Do you know where Michigan Avenue is?" He said "Yes", and walked away.

What is a home without children? Quiet.

I own a hundred and fifty books, but no bookcase. Nobody will lend me a bookcase.

I'd commit suicide, if I could do it without killing myself.

There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.

She's a big-hearted girl with hips to match.

I have terrible luck. Last week my chauffeur ran off without my wife.

A little man is running a jewelry store. A man runs in saying, "Okay, take my watch, put on a new band, install a new battery, clean the case, install a new crystal, and tune it up. I will be back in a half hour for it. Thanks!" and runs out the door. The little jeweler says, "C-C-C-Come in?"

My brother-in-law had to give up his last job because of illness. His boss became sick of him.

A Polish man had a bandage on each ear. What happened? "I was ironing, and the phone rang!" "What about the other ear?" "Had to call the doctor!"