Quotes & Jokes by Henny Youngman / page 12

Take my wife... Please!

My horse was so late getting home, he tiptoed into the stable.

A little man is running a jewelry store. A man runs in saying, "Okay, take my watch, put on a new band, install a new battery, clean the case, install a new crystal, and tune it up. I will be back in a half hour for it. Thanks!" and runs out the door. The little jeweler says, "C-C-C-Come in?"

You have a nice personality, but not for a human being.

If you have your life to live over again, don't do it.

He was born on April 2. A day late.

She has a wash and wear bridal gown.

I asked a Jewish man "Do you know where Michigan Avenue is?" He said "Yes", and walked away.

A man goes to a barbershop and asks, "How many ahead of me?" "Five." The man leaves. He comes back the next day and asks, "How many ahead of me?" "Four." The man leaves. He comes back the next day and asks, "How many ahead of me?" "Six." The man leaves, and the barber says to another, "Follow that man!" The man comes back and says, "He goes to your house!"

She must have Egyptian blood. Every time I try to kiss her, she says "Tut, Tut!"

Two Santa Clauses on the corner. How can you tell the Polish one? The one with the Easter basket.

My wife has a keen sense of humor. The more I humor her, the better.

What is a home without children? Quiet.

I own a hundred and fifty books, but no bookcase. Nobody will lend me a bookcase.

A Polish man bought a zebra for a pet. What does he call the zebra? Spot!