Quotes & Jokes by Henny Youngman / page 12

If you have your life to live over again, don't do it.

A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says "That's what puzzles me!"

A woman was taking a shower. There is a knock on the door. "Who is it?" "Blind man!" The woman opens the door. "Where do you want these blinds, lady?"

I know a man in Ft. Worth with 100,000 head of cattle. No bodies, just heads.

I had plastic surgery last week. I cut up my credit cards.

I have terrible luck. Last week my chauffeur ran off without my wife.

This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.

I was walking down the street, and I found a man's hand in my pocket. I asked "What do you want?" "A match." "Why didn't you ask me?" "I don't talk to strangers."

I'll never forget my first words in the theatre. "Peanuts. Popcorn."

She has a wash and wear bridal gown.

Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous.

A little man is running a jewelry store. A man runs in saying, "Okay, take my watch, put on a new band, install a new battery, clean the case, install a new crystal, and tune it up. I will be back in a half hour for it. Thanks!" and runs out the door. The little jeweler says, "C-C-C-Come in?"

Another bum told me "I haven't tasted food all week." I told him "Don't worry, it still tastes the same!"

My wife told me the car wasn't running well. There was water in the carburettor. I asked where the car was, and she told me it was in the lake.

The more I think of you, the less I think of you.