Quotes & Jokes by Henny Youngman / page 12

A man goes to a barbershop and asks, "How many ahead of me?" "Five." The man leaves. He comes back the next day and asks, "How many ahead of me?" "Four." The man leaves. He comes back the next day and asks, "How many ahead of me?" "Six." The man leaves, and the barber says to another, "Follow that man!" The man comes back and says, "He goes to your house!"

A Polish man bought a zebra for a pet. What does he call the zebra? Spot!

I was walking down the street, and I found a man's hand in my pocket. I asked "What do you want?" "A match." "Why didn't you ask me?" "I don't talk to strangers."

When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.

All my wife does is shop - once she was sick for a week, and three stores went under.

This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.

Take my wife... Please!

The Doctor says "You'll live to be 60." "I am 60!" "See, what did I tell you?"

She has a wash and wear bridal gown.

My horse was so late getting home, he tiptoed into the stable.

You have a nice personality, but not for a human being.

I asked a Jewish man "Do you know where Michigan Avenue is?" He said "Yes", and walked away.

Two Santa Clauses on the corner. How can you tell the Polish one? The one with the Easter basket.

If you have your life to live over again, don't do it.

Don't move! I want to forget you just the way you are.