Quotes & Jokes by Henny Youngman / page 12

I'd commit suicide, if I could do it without killing myself.

I own a hundred and fifty books, but no bookcase. Nobody will lend me a bookcase.

I have terrible luck. Last week my chauffeur ran off without my wife.

There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.

She has a wash and wear bridal gown.

Was that suit made to order? Where were you at the time?

Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous.

My brother then bought 1000 Japanese cameras. They all go, "Crick".

I was walking down the street, and I found a man's hand in my pocket. I asked "What do you want?" "A match." "Why didn't you ask me?" "I don't talk to strangers."

I had plastic surgery last week. I cut up my credit cards.

A bomb fell on Italy. It slid off!

I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.

Everytime I ask what time it is, I get a different answer.

I'll never forget my first words in the theatre. "Peanuts. Popcorn."

A little man is running a jewelry store. A man runs in saying, "Okay, take my watch, put on a new band, install a new battery, clean the case, install a new crystal, and tune it up. I will be back in a half hour for it. Thanks!" and runs out the door. The little jeweler says, "C-C-C-Come in?"