Quotes & Jokes by Henny Youngman / page 12

My doctor grabbed me by the wallet and said "Cough!"

Three weeks ago, she learned how to drive. Last week she learned how to aim it.

I know a guy who had his doctor say "take some weight off, go to a health club." This man lost 20 pounds in one week! The machine tore his leg off!

I was walking down the street, and I found a man's hand in my pocket. I asked "What do you want?" "A match." "Why didn't you ask me?" "I don't talk to strangers."

A Polish man had a bandage on each ear. What happened? "I was ironing, and the phone rang!" "What about the other ear?" "Had to call the doctor!"

There were three kids in my family. One of each sex.

My wife’s an earth sign. I’m a water sign. Together we make mud.

The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered "So did my arthritis!"

A woman was taking a shower. There is a knock on the door. "Who is it?" "Blind man!" The woman opens the door. "Where do you want these blinds, lady?"

She has a wash and wear bridal gown.

You have a nice personality, but not for a human being.

Was that suit made to order? Where were you at the time?

Two Santa Clauses on the corner. How can you tell the Polish one? The one with the Easter basket.

I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of.

I own a hundred and fifty books, but no bookcase. Nobody will lend me a bookcase.