Quotes & Jokes by Henny Youngman / page 12

That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position!

I own a hundred and fifty books, but no bookcase. Nobody will lend me a bookcase.

My brother then bought 1000 Japanese cameras. They all go, "Crick".

Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous.

There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.

She has a wash and wear bridal gown.

I have terrible luck. Last week my chauffeur ran off without my wife.

Was that suit made to order? Where were you at the time?

A Polish man had a bandage on each ear. What happened? "I was ironing, and the phone rang!" "What about the other ear?" "Had to call the doctor!"

I was walking down the street, and I found a man's hand in my pocket. I asked "What do you want?" "A match." "Why didn't you ask me?" "I don't talk to strangers."

I'll never forget my first words in the theatre. "Peanuts. Popcorn."

A bomb fell on Italy. It slid off!

I had plastic surgery last week. I cut up my credit cards.

I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.

Everytime I ask what time it is, I get a different answer.