Quotes & Jokes by Henny Youngman / page 12

There were three kids in my family. One of each sex.

My wife’s an earth sign. I’m a water sign. Together we make mud.

Don't move! I want to forget you just the way you are.

All my wife does is shop - once she was sick for a week, and three stores went under.

I was walking down the street, and I found a man's hand in my pocket. I asked "What do you want?" "A match." "Why didn't you ask me?" "I don't talk to strangers."

A Polish man had a bandage on each ear. What happened? "I was ironing, and the phone rang!" "What about the other ear?" "Had to call the doctor!"

This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.

Take my wife... Please!

When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.

The Doctor says "You'll live to be 60." "I am 60!" "See, what did I tell you?"

You have a nice personality, but not for a human being.

The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered "So did my arthritis!"

She has a wash and wear bridal gown.

Two Santa Clauses on the corner. How can you tell the Polish one? The one with the Easter basket.

I asked a Jewish man "Do you know where Michigan Avenue is?" He said "Yes", and walked away.