Quotes & Jokes by Henny Youngman / page 13

I know a guy who had his doctor say "take some weight off, go to a health club." This man lost 20 pounds in one week! The machine tore his leg off!

My horse was so late getting home, he tiptoed into the stable.

I own a hundred and fifty books, but no bookcase. Nobody will lend me a bookcase.

If you have your life to live over again, don't do it.

There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.

I'd commit suicide, if I could do it without killing myself.

What is a home without children? Quiet.

I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of.

My brother-in-law had to give up his last job because of illness. His boss became sick of him.

I have terrible luck. Last week my chauffeur ran off without my wife.

A woman was taking a shower. There is a knock on the door. "Who is it?" "Blind man!" The woman opens the door. "Where do you want these blinds, lady?"

I'll never forget my first words in the theatre. "Peanuts. Popcorn."

I just finished my income tax forms. Who says you can't get wounded by a blank?

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.