Quotes & Jokes by Henny Youngman / page 13

I'd commit suicide, if I could do it without killing myself.

I know a man who is a diamond cutter. He mows the lawn at Yankee Stadium.

There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.

My brother-in-law had to give up his last job because of illness. His boss became sick of him.

A Polish man had a bandage on each ear. What happened? "I was ironing, and the phone rang!" "What about the other ear?" "Had to call the doctor!"

I have terrible luck. Last week my chauffeur ran off without my wife.

I just finished my income tax forms. Who says you can't get wounded by a blank?

Don't move! I want to forget you just the way you are.

I'll never forget my first words in the theatre. "Peanuts. Popcorn."

A bomb fell on Italy. It slid off!

I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.

Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.

I had plastic surgery last week. I cut up my credit cards.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

My wife told me the car wasn't running well. There was water in the carburettor. I asked where the car was, and she told me it was in the lake.