Quotes & Jokes by Henny Youngman / page 13

A Polish man had a bandage on each ear. What happened? "I was ironing, and the phone rang!" "What about the other ear?" "Had to call the doctor!"

My wife told me the car wasn't running well. There was water in the carburettor. I asked where the car was, and she told me it was in the lake.

The more I think of you, the less I think of you.

Two Santa Clauses on the corner. How can you tell the Polish one? The one with the Easter basket.

A woman was taking a shower. There is a knock on the door. "Who is it?" "Blind man!" The woman opens the door. "Where do you want these blinds, lady?"

I just finished my income tax forms. Who says you can't get wounded by a blank?

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

Another bum told me "I haven't tasted food all week." I told him "Don't worry, it still tastes the same!"

I thought talk was cheap until I saw our telephone bill.

Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.

My brother-in-law had to give up his last job because of illness. His boss became sick of him.

I've been married for 49 years. Where have I failed?

A Polish man bought a zebra for a pet. What does he call the zebra? Spot!

My wife has a keen sense of humor. The more I humor her, the better.

A bum asked me "Give me $10 till payday." I asked "When's payday?" He said "I don't know, you're the one who is working!"