Quotes & Jokes by Henny Youngman / page 13

A man goes to a barbershop and asks, "How many ahead of me?" "Five." The man leaves. He comes back the next day and asks, "How many ahead of me?" "Four." The man leaves. He comes back the next day and asks, "How many ahead of me?" "Six." The man leaves, and the barber says to another, "Follow that man!" The man comes back and says, "He goes to your house!"

She must have Egyptian blood. Every time I try to kiss her, she says "Tut, Tut!"

He was born on April 2. A day late.

I'll never forget my first words in the theatre. "Peanuts. Popcorn."

I know a man who is a diamond cutter. He mows the lawn at Yankee Stadium.

I had plastic surgery last week. I cut up my credit cards.

A bomb fell on Italy. It slid off!

I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.

I just finished my income tax forms. Who says you can't get wounded by a blank?

My wife told me the car wasn't running well. There was water in the carburettor. I asked where the car was, and she told me it was in the lake.

My wife has a keen sense of humor. The more I humor her, the better.

Everytime I ask what time it is, I get a different answer.

A woman was taking a shower. There is a knock on the door. "Who is it?" "Blind man!" The woman opens the door. "Where do you want these blinds, lady?"

A Polish man bought a zebra for a pet. What does he call the zebra? Spot!

Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.