Quotes & Jokes by Henny Youngman / page 13

If you have your life to live over again, don't do it.

I own a hundred and fifty books, but no bookcase. Nobody will lend me a bookcase.

There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.

I'd commit suicide, if I could do it without killing myself.

What is a home without children? Quiet.

The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered "So did my arthritis!"

My brother-in-law had to give up his last job because of illness. His boss became sick of him.

I have terrible luck. Last week my chauffeur ran off without my wife.

I'll never forget my first words in the theatre. "Peanuts. Popcorn."

I just finished my income tax forms. Who says you can't get wounded by a blank?

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

I know a guy who had his doctor say "take some weight off, go to a health club." This man lost 20 pounds in one week! The machine tore his leg off!

Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.

A woman was taking a shower. There is a knock on the door. "Who is it?" "Blind man!" The woman opens the door. "Where do you want these blinds, lady?"

I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.