Quotes & Jokes by Henny Youngman / page 13

A little man is running a jewelry store. A man runs in saying, "Okay, take my watch, put on a new band, install a new battery, clean the case, install a new crystal, and tune it up. I will be back in a half hour for it. Thanks!" and runs out the door. The little jeweler says, "C-C-C-Come in?"

I just finished my income tax forms. Who says you can't get wounded by a blank?

My wife told me the car wasn't running well. There was water in the carburettor. I asked where the car was, and she told me it was in the lake.

Two Santa Clauses on the corner. How can you tell the Polish one? The one with the Easter basket.

He was born on April 2. A day late.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

Another bum told me "I haven't tasted food all week." I told him "Don't worry, it still tastes the same!"

The more I think of you, the less I think of you.

I thought talk was cheap until I saw our telephone bill.

A woman was taking a shower. There is a knock on the door. "Who is it?" "Blind man!" The woman opens the door. "Where do you want these blinds, lady?"

A man goes to a barbershop and asks, "How many ahead of me?" "Five." The man leaves. He comes back the next day and asks, "How many ahead of me?" "Four." The man leaves. He comes back the next day and asks, "How many ahead of me?" "Six." The man leaves, and the barber says to another, "Follow that man!" The man comes back and says, "He goes to your house!"

A Polish man bought a zebra for a pet. What does he call the zebra? Spot!

My brother-in-law had to give up his last job because of illness. His boss became sick of him.

My wife has a keen sense of humor. The more I humor her, the better.

Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.