Quotes & Jokes by Henny Youngman / page 5
A man is at the bar, drunk. I pick him up off the floor, and offer to take him home. On the way to my car, he falls down three times. When I get to his house, I help him out of the car, and on the way to the front door, he falls down four more times. I ring the bell and say, "Here's your husband!" The man's wife says, "Where's his wheelchair?"
If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.
My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first!
A doctor says to a man "You want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise. Run ten miles a day." Two weeks later, the man called the doctor. The doctor says "How is your love life since you have been running?" "I don't know, I'm 140 miles away!"
Nurse: "Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped dead right as he was leaving the office". Doctor: "Turn him around, make it look like he was walking in."
A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.
My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City?
I was playing golf. I swung, missed the ball, and got a big chunk of dirt. I swung again, missed the ball, and got another big chunk of dirt. Just then, 2 ants climbed on the ball saying, "Let's get up here before we get killed!"