Quotes & Jokes by Henny Youngman / page 5

In a blackout, a Polish man was stuck on an escalator for two hours. I asked him "Why didn't you walk down?" He said, "because I was going up!"

Last night I ordered a whole meal in French. Even the waiter was amazed - it was a Chinese restaurant!

Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

My son is 21. He'll be 22 if I let him.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.

My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first!

I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.

This guy asked his doctor, 'Will I be able to play the piano after my operation?' And the doctor says 'Sure.' And the guy says, 'Funny, I couldn't do it before.'

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

I was playing golf. I swung, missed the ball, and got a big chunk of dirt. I swung again, missed the ball, and got another big chunk of dirt. Just then, 2 ants climbed on the ball saying, "Let's get up here before we get killed!"

Where did you get your haircut, the pet shop?

I don't mind when my horse is left at the post. I don't mind when my horse comes up to me in the stands and asks, "Which way do I go?" But when the horse I bet on is at the $2 window betting on another horse in the same race...

Hollywood called me, asking me, "How much to do a movie with Farrah Fawcett?" "$50,000" They called back, "How about $20,000?" I said, "I'll pay it!"

I went to the bank and reviewed my savings. I found out I have all the money I’ll ever need if I die tomorrow.