Quotes & Jokes by Henny Youngman / page 5

My son is 21. He'll be 22 if I let him.

Last night I ordered a whole meal in French. Even the waiter was amazed - it was a Chinese restaurant!

A doctor says to a man "You want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise. Run ten miles a day." Two weeks later, the man called the doctor. The doctor says "How is your love life since you have been running?" "I don't know, I'm 140 miles away!"

I'm now making a Jewish porno film. 10% Sex, 90% guilt.

The food on the plane was fit for a king. "Here, King!"

Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

This guy asked his doctor, 'Will I be able to play the piano after my operation?' And the doctor says 'Sure.' And the guy says, 'Funny, I couldn't do it before.'

Now, the band that inspired that great saying "Stop the music!"

My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first!

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

A polish man had his vasectomy done at Sears. Now when he makes love, the garage door goes up.

My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.

I was playing golf. I swung, missed the ball, and got a big chunk of dirt. I swung again, missed the ball, and got another big chunk of dirt. Just then, 2 ants climbed on the ball saying, "Let's get up here before we get killed!"