Quotes & Jokes by Henny Youngman / page 5

In high school football, the coach kept me on the bench all year. On the last game of the season, the crowd was yelling, "We want Youngman! We want Youngman!" The coach says, "Youngman - go see what they want!"

Nurse: "Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped dead right as he was leaving the office". Doctor: "Turn him around, make it look like he was walking in."

A Jewish man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman "Can I park here?" "No" says the cop. "What about all these other cars?" "They didn't ask!"

My son is 21. He'll be 22 if I let him.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first!

A polish man had his vasectomy done at Sears. Now when he makes love, the garage door goes up.

My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.

Now, the band that inspired that great saying "Stop the music!"

The course of true golf never did run smooth.

I was playing golf. I swung, missed the ball, and got a big chunk of dirt. I swung again, missed the ball, and got another big chunk of dirt. Just then, 2 ants climbed on the ball saying, "Let's get up here before we get killed!"

This guy asked his doctor, 'Will I be able to play the piano after my operation?' And the doctor says 'Sure.' And the guy says, 'Funny, I couldn't do it before.'