Quotes & Jokes by Henny Youngman / page 5

Last night I ordered a whole meal in French. Even the waiter was amazed - it was a Chinese restaurant!

In a blackout, a Polish man was stuck on an escalator for two hours. I asked him "Why didn't you walk down?" He said, "because I was going up!"

I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.

The food on the plane was fit for a king. "Here, King!"

I'm now making a Jewish porno film. 10% Sex, 90% guilt.

Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

This guy asked his doctor, 'Will I be able to play the piano after my operation?' And the doctor says 'Sure.' And the guy says, 'Funny, I couldn't do it before.'

My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first!

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

A polish man had his vasectomy done at Sears. Now when he makes love, the garage door goes up.

My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.

Now, the band that inspired that great saying "Stop the music!"

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

I was playing golf. I swung, missed the ball, and got a big chunk of dirt. I swung again, missed the ball, and got another big chunk of dirt. Just then, 2 ants climbed on the ball saying, "Let's get up here before we get killed!"

A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.