Quotes & Jokes by Henny Youngman / page 6
I was playing golf. I swung, missed the ball, and got a big chunk of dirt. I swung again, missed the ball, and got another big chunk of dirt. Just then, 2 ants climbed on the ball saying, "Let's get up here before we get killed!"
A man is at the bar, drunk. I pick him up off the floor, and offer to take him home. On the way to my car, he falls down three times. When I get to his house, I help him out of the car, and on the way to the front door, he falls down four more times. I ring the bell and say, "Here's your husband!" The man's wife says, "Where's his wheelchair?"
A person asked me, "How do you prepare for the stage?" I told her, "Well, it's like this. You go to diction school. They teach you to fill your mouth with marbles and talk right through the marbles. Each day you take one marble out. When you've lost all your marbles..."
Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.
Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!
My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City?
A man goes to a psychiatrist "Nobody listen to me!" The doctor says "Next!"
I don't mind when my horse is left at the post. I don't mind when my horse comes up to me in the stands and asks, "Which way do I go?" But when the horse I bet on is at the $2 window betting on another horse in the same race...
Another bum asked me "Can I have $300 for a cup of coffee?" I told him "Coffee's a quarter!" The bum said "Yeah, but I want to drink it in Brazil!"
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.