Quotes & Jokes by Henny Youngman / page 7
Two guys in a gym, one putting on a girdle. One guys says, 'Since when have you been wearing a girdle?' Other guy says, 'Since my wife found it in the glove compartment of our car.'
A guy calls his lawyer. He says, 'Can I ask you two questions?' Lawyer says, 'What's the second one?'
My horse's jockey was hitting the horse. The horse turns around and says "Why are you hitting me, there is nobody behind us!"
I went to the bank and reviewed my savings. I found out I have all the money I’ll ever need if I die tomorrow.
A guy says, "I'm so old that I forgot how old I am." An old woman says, "I'll tell you how old you are. Take off your clothes and bend over." The man does this. The woman says, "You're seventy four." The man says, "How can you tell?" The woman says, "You told me yesterday."
She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
I wanted to do something nice so I bought my mother-in-law a chair. Now they won't let me plug it in.
I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet.
Some people play a horse to win, some to place. I should have bet this horse to live.
My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.
My wife drives the wrong way on a one way street. The cop pulled her over and asked, "Where are you going?" My wife said, "I must be late, everyone is all coming back!"