Quotes & Jokes by Henny Youngman / page 7
A guy calls his lawyer. He says, 'Can I ask you two questions?' Lawyer says, 'What's the second one?'
My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.
A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.
You have the Midas touch. Everything you touch turns to a muffler.
A Polish guy locked his keys in the car. It took an hour to get his wife out.
I wanted to do something nice so I bought my mother-in-law a chair. Now they won't let me plug it in.
I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet.
My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City?
My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator.
She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.