Quotes & Jokes by Henny Youngman / page 7

A kiss is the shortest distance between two.

A guy calls his lawyer. He says, 'Can I ask you two questions?' Lawyer says, 'What's the second one?'

A Polish man in a helicopter. Goes up to 800 feet. Down it comes! What happened? "It got chilly up there, so I turned off the fan!"

I've got two wonderful children - and two out of five isn't too bad.

A man goes to a psychiatrist "Nobody listen to me!" The doctor says "Next!"

He gives his wife something to look forward to - a divorce.

My wife drives the wrong way on a one way street. The cop pulled her over and asked, "Where are you going?" My wife said, "I must be late, everyone is all coming back!"

I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet.

Why don't you go to a window and lean out too far?

I live about four muggings from Central Park.

How do Polish people spell farm? E-I-E-I-O

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

Some people play a horse to win, some to place. I should have bet this horse to live.

I went out with a girl last night. She wasn't a Lana Turner. She was more of a stomach turner.