Quotes & Jokes by Henny Youngman / page 7

How do Polish people spell farm? E-I-E-I-O

A man goes to a psychiatrist "Nobody listen to me!" The doctor says "Next!"

A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

You have the Midas touch. Everything you touch turns to a muffler.

A Polish guy locked his keys in the car. It took an hour to get his wife out.

I wanted to do something nice so I bought my mother-in-law a chair. Now they won't let me plug it in.

Why don't you go to a window and lean out too far?

I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet.

I live about four muggings from Central Park.

If I had blood, I'd blush.

My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator.

She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City?

Some people play a horse to win, some to place. I should have bet this horse to live.