Quotes & Jokes by Henny Youngman / page 7

A guy calls his lawyer. He says, 'Can I ask you two questions?' Lawyer says, 'What's the second one?'

Another bum asked me "Can I have $300 for a cup of coffee?" I told him "Coffee's a quarter!" The bum said "Yeah, but I want to drink it in Brazil!"

A kiss is the shortest distance between two.

How do Polish people spell farm? E-I-E-I-O

He gives his wife something to look forward to - a divorce.

I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet.

I went to the bank and reviewed my savings. I found out I have all the money I’ll ever need if I die tomorrow.

She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

I wanted to do something nice so I bought my mother-in-law a chair. Now they won't let me plug it in.

I live about four muggings from Central Park.

My wife drives the wrong way on a one way street. The cop pulled her over and asked, "Where are you going?" My wife said, "I must be late, everyone is all coming back!"

Why don't you go to a window and lean out too far?

I went out with a girl last night. She wasn't a Lana Turner. She was more of a stomach turner.

Some people play a horse to win, some to place. I should have bet this horse to live.

She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.