Quotes & Jokes by Henny Youngman / page 8

The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.

I'd like to say we're glad you're here - I'd like to say it...

My best friend ran away with my wife, and let me tell you, I miss him.

Have you seen the new Polish jigsaw puzzle? One piece.

I've got two wonderful children - and two out of five isn't too bad.

Two Jewish women in New York, one says, "Do you see what's going on in Poland?" The other says "I live in the back, I don't see anything."

My wife is the sweetest, most tolerant, most beautiful woman in the world. This is a paid political announcement.

I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

I went out with a girl last night. She wasn't a Lana Turner. She was more of a stomach turner.

"Doctor, my leg hurts. What can I do?" The doctor says "Limp!"

You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready.

My wife is on a diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn’t lost any weight, but she can sure climb a tree.

A guy says, "I'm so old that I forgot how old I am." An old woman says, "I'll tell you how old you are. Take off your clothes and bend over." The man does this. The woman says, "You're seventy four." The man says, "How can you tell?" The woman says, "You told me yesterday."