Quotes & Jokes by Henny Youngman / page 8

She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.

I wanted to do something nice so I bought my mother-in-law a chair. Now they won't let me plug it in.

A Polish guy locked his keys in the car. It took an hour to get his wife out.

My best friend ran away with my wife, and let me tell you, I miss him.

I went to the bank and reviewed my savings. I found out I have all the money I’ll ever need if I die tomorrow.

The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.

I don't fly on account of my religion. I'm a devout coward.

He had a defect, which to a comic might be fatal. He wasn't funny.

You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready.

My wife has a keen sense of humor. The more I humor her, the better.

Two Jewish women in New York, one says, "Do you see what's going on in Poland?" The other says "I live in the back, I don't see anything."

Have you seen the new Polish jigsaw puzzle? One piece.

You have the Midas touch. Everything you touch turns to a muffler.

My wife is the sweetest, most tolerant, most beautiful woman in the world. This is a paid political announcement.

Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.