Quotes & Jokes by Henny Youngman / page 8

I went out with a girl last night. She wasn't a Lana Turner. She was more of a stomach turner.

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

A Polish guy locked his keys in the car. It took an hour to get his wife out.

My best friend ran away with my wife, and let me tell you, I miss him.

He had a defect, which to a comic might be fatal. He wasn't funny.

The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.

You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready.

I'd like to say we're glad you're here - I'd like to say it...

I don't fly on account of my religion. I'm a devout coward.

If I had blood, I'd blush.

You have the Midas touch. Everything you touch turns to a muffler.

Two Jewish women in New York, one says, "Do you see what's going on in Poland?" The other says "I live in the back, I don't see anything."

Have you seen the new Polish jigsaw puzzle? One piece.

Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.

My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator.