Quotes & Jokes by Henny Youngman / page 8

I've got two wonderful children - and two out of five isn't too bad.

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

A Polish guy locked his keys in the car. It took an hour to get his wife out.

He had a defect, which to a comic might be fatal. He wasn't funny.

You have the Midas touch. Everything you touch turns to a muffler.

I'd like to say we're glad you're here - I'd like to say it...

The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.

My best friend ran away with my wife, and let me tell you, I miss him.

Two Jewish women in New York, one says, "Do you see what's going on in Poland?" The other says "I live in the back, I don't see anything."

You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready.

I don't fly on account of my religion. I'm a devout coward.

Have you seen the new Polish jigsaw puzzle? One piece.

My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator.

Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.

If I had blood, I'd blush.