Quotes & Jokes by Henny Youngman / page 8

I'd like to say we're glad you're here - I'd like to say it...

You have the Midas touch. Everything you touch turns to a muffler.

Two Jewish women in New York, one says, "Do you see what's going on in Poland?" The other says "I live in the back, I don't see anything."

I went out with a girl last night. She wasn't a Lana Turner. She was more of a stomach turner.

The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.

Have you seen the new Polish jigsaw puzzle? One piece.

A Polish guy locked his keys in the car. It took an hour to get his wife out.

I've got two wonderful children - and two out of five isn't too bad.

She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.

You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready.

My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator.

If I had blood, I'd blush.

I don't fly on account of my religion. I'm a devout coward.

He had a defect, which to a comic might be fatal. He wasn't funny.

Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.