Quotes & Jokes by Henny Youngman / page 14

He was born on April 2. A day late.

She's a big-hearted girl with hips to match.

If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.

When you battle with your conscience and lose, you win.

I've been married for 49 years. Where have I failed?

A Polish man bought a zebra for a pet. What does he call the zebra? Spot!

I asked a Jewish man "Do you know where Michigan Avenue is?" He said "Yes", and walked away.

If a joke is too hard to visualize, I tell the young comics, then what the hell good is it?

If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope.

Don't move! I want to forget you just the way you are.

I know a guy who had his doctor say "take some weight off, go to a health club." This man lost 20 pounds in one week! The machine tore his leg off!

My wife loves to shop at Bloomingdale's. I bring her mail there twice a week.

I came home, the car was in the dining room. "How did you get the car in here?" "Easy, I took a left at the kitchen."

The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered "So did my arthritis!"

I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of.