Quotes & Jokes by Jay Leno / page 6

Bush reiterated his stand to conservatives opposing his decision on stem cell research. He said today he believes life begins at conception and ends at execution.

John Kerry said today that he stands by his claim that certain foreign leaders have told him that they hope he wins. And George Bush fired back. He said oh yeah, certain Supreme Court justices have told me that I'm going to win.

The Mars rover Curiosity has sent back images of some odd things on the surface of Mars, and some people think they could be UFOs. Here's my question. If we're on the surface of Mars, aren't we the UFO?

My wife is going to kill me. But you look like my wife, so that's Ok!

President Bush said this Iraq situation looks like 'the rerun of a bad movie.' Well sure, there's a Bush in the White House, the economy's going to hell, we're going to war over oil. I've seen this movie, haven't I?.

If you don't want your dog to have bad breath, do what I do: Pour a little Lavoris in the toilet.

Riding a Ducati is like having sex with an aerobics instructor - you know, I'm exhausted and panting and it's going: 'Are you done, already?'

And some sad news… the first lesbian couple to be legally get married in the state of Massachusetts has split up. They cited irreconcilable similarities.

Oil prices jumped to well over $100 a barrel, and analysts say it's due to tension in the Middle East. So, luckily, it's just a temporary thing.

A tobacco-company now advertise that you can get a packet of cigaretts for $1. The cost of dying is really going down now.

You can't stay mad at somebody who makes you laugh.

President Obama signed into law the repeal of 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell.' What does it say about us that we think gay men can handle armed combat, but can't handle marriage?

Now, today is the day we honor, of course, the Presidents, ranging from George Washington, who couldn't tell a lie, to George Bush, who couldn't tell the truth, to Bill Clinton, who couldn't tell the difference.

President Obama wants Congress to increase the minimum wage. Believe me, when it comes to doing the minimum for their wage, Congress knows what it's talking about.

I was in the ROTC. Of course, ROTC stood for 'Running off to Canada.'