Quotes & Jokes by Jerry Seinfeld / page 7
There's no downside to fame and people who whine about it make me sick. It's the greatest thing in the world.
The truth is, I had always wanted to be a comedian, but I really didn't have that kind of personality, and it's a terrifying thing to say.
A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.
And that's when I realized, when you're a kid you don't need a costume, you are superman.
If you go to a bad movie, it's two hours. If you're in a bad movie, it's two years.
Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.
I was in front of an ambulance the other day, and I noticed that the word "ambulance" was spelled in reverse print on the hood of the ambulance. And I thought, "Well, isn't that clever." I look in the rear-view mirror; I can read the word "ambulance" behind me. Of course while you're reading, you don't see where you're going, you crash. You need an ambulance. I think they're trying to drum up some business on the way back from lunch.
The basic conflict between men and women, sexually, is that men are like firemen. To men, sex is an emergency, and no matter what we’re doing we can be ready in two minutes. Women, on the other hand, are like fire. They’re very exciting, but the conditions have to be exactly right for it to occur.
I just knew it was time to leave that thing where it was. Even though I still occasionally think about it, I still think I did it the right way. It was the correct type of ending. By which I mean it came a little sooner than people were expecting...was such a wonderful experience for me. It wasn't even the thing I thought I was going to have a talent for. I just fell in with the perfect group of people and everything about it was sort of miraculous.
Men like a ref decision because they just want to get back to the game.
I will never understand why they cook on TV. I can't smell it. Can't eat it. Can't taste it. The end of the show they hold it up to the camera, "Well, here it is. You can't have any. Thanks for watching. Goodbye."
When I jumped off a roof in Cannes in a bee costume, I looked ridiculous. But this is my business; I have to humiliate myself.