Quotes & Jokes by Jerry Seinfeld / page 7

I mean, she's giving and caring and genuinely concerned about the welfare of others. I can't be with someone like that.

Festivus for the Restivus!

The first real thought that I had of something that I might do was to write for car magazines, because I always had a car thing.

Men want to make women happy.

Anyone who would laugh at a recital is probably some sort of lunatic anyway. I mean, only a sick, twisted mind could be that rude and ignorant.

I am so busy doing nothing... that the idea of doing anything - which as you know, always leads to something - cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything.

Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.

I like staying in hotels. I like their tiny soap. I like to pretend it's regular-sized and my muscles are huge.

I will never understand why they cook on TV. I can't smell it. Can't eat it. Can't taste it. The end of the show they hold it up to the camera, "Well, here it is. You can't have any. Thanks for watching. Goodbye."

I just knew it was time to leave that thing where it was. Even though I still occasionally think about it, I still think I did it the right way. It was the correct type of ending. By which I mean it came a little sooner than people were expecting...was such a wonderful experience for me. It wasn't even the thing I thought I was going to have a talent for. I just fell in with the perfect group of people and everything about it was sort of miraculous.

When I jumped off a roof in Cannes in a bee costume, I looked ridiculous. But this is my business; I have to humiliate myself.

If I want a long boring story with no point to it, I have my life.

The basic conflict between men and women, sexually, is that men are like firemen. To men, sex is an emergency, and no matter what we’re doing we can be ready in two minutes. Women, on the other hand, are like fire. They’re very exciting, but the conditions have to be exactly right for it to occur.

There's no downside to fame and people who whine about it make me sick. It's the greatest thing in the world.

The truth is, I had always wanted to be a comedian, but I really didn't have that kind of personality, and it's a terrifying thing to say.