Quotes & Jokes by Jerry Seinfeld / page 7
I like staying in hotels. I like their tiny soap. I like to pretend it's regular-sized and my muscles are huge.
A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.
Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.
Men like a ref decision because they just want to get back to the game.
See, you know how to take the reservation, you just don't know how to hold the reservation and that's really the most important part of the reservation, the holding. Anybody can just take them.
If I want a long boring story with no point to it, I have my life.
I just knew it was time to leave that thing where it was. Even though I still occasionally think about it, I still think I did it the right way. It was the correct type of ending. By which I mean it came a little sooner than people were expecting...was such a wonderful experience for me. It wasn't even the thing I thought I was going to have a talent for. I just fell in with the perfect group of people and everything about it was sort of miraculous.
The basic conflict between men and women, sexually, is that men are like firemen. To men, sex is an emergency, and no matter what we’re doing we can be ready in two minutes. Women, on the other hand, are like fire. They’re very exciting, but the conditions have to be exactly right for it to occur.
Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge.
It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
When I jumped off a roof in Cannes in a bee costume, I looked ridiculous. But this is my business; I have to humiliate myself.
The truth is, I had always wanted to be a comedian, but I really didn't have that kind of personality, and it's a terrifying thing to say.