Quotes & Jokes by Jerry Seinfeld / page 7
A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.
It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
The truth is, I had always wanted to be a comedian, but I really didn't have that kind of personality, and it's a terrifying thing to say.
There's no downside to fame and people who whine about it make me sick. It's the greatest thing in the world.
Men like a ref decision because they just want to get back to the game.
If you go to a bad movie, it's two hours. If you're in a bad movie, it's two years.
I was in front of an ambulance the other day, and I noticed that the word "ambulance" was spelled in reverse print on the hood of the ambulance. And I thought, "Well, isn't that clever." I look in the rear-view mirror; I can read the word "ambulance" behind me. Of course while you're reading, you don't see where you're going, you crash. You need an ambulance. I think they're trying to drum up some business on the way back from lunch.
When I jumped off a roof in Cannes in a bee costume, I looked ridiculous. But this is my business; I have to humiliate myself.
I just knew it was time to leave that thing where it was. Even though I still occasionally think about it, I still think I did it the right way. It was the correct type of ending. By which I mean it came a little sooner than people were expecting...was such a wonderful experience for me. It wasn't even the thing I thought I was going to have a talent for. I just fell in with the perfect group of people and everything about it was sort of miraculous.