Quotes & Jokes by Jerry Seinfeld / page 8
I will never understand why they cook on TV. I can't smell it. Can't eat it. Can't taste it. The end of the show they hold it up to the camera, "Well, here it is. You can't have any. Thanks for watching. Goodbye."
I am so busy doing nothing... that the idea of doing anything - which as you know, always leads to something - cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything.
I was in front of an ambulance the other day, and I noticed that the word "ambulance" was spelled in reverse print on the hood of the ambulance. And I thought, "Well, isn't that clever." I look in the rear-view mirror; I can read the word "ambulance" behind me. Of course while you're reading, you don't see where you're going, you crash. You need an ambulance. I think they're trying to drum up some business on the way back from lunch.
If you go to a bad movie, it's two hours. If you're in a bad movie, it's two years.
I went up to the camp and Paul had me eat my first oyster I had never had an oyster in my life. And he convinced me to eat one. And it was horrible and it was exciting. And I thought, this will be gross and I'll have a story: I had my first oyster with Paul Newman.
The worst thing about television is that everybody you see on television is doing something better than what you're doing. You never see anybody on TV just sliding off the front of the sofa, with potato chip crumbs all over their shirt.
Once you start doing only what you've already proven you can do, you're on the road to death.
Cry when you get a Golden Globe. Then you can get an Oscar nomination.
Well, Howard Stern has been doing his impression of me for years. It doesn't really bother me.
But after they settle in you've still got to be funny, because for an hour just the fact they get to see you live in a theater is going to wear off if you're not doing well.
I do not know why anyone would host an awards show. No matter how unbelievably well you do at it, the only thing that can happen is you get asked again to host an awards show.
The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!