Quotes & Jokes by Jerry Seinfeld / page 8

When I jumped off a roof in Cannes in a bee costume, I looked ridiculous. But this is my business; I have to humiliate myself.

You know, crankiness is at the essence of all comedy.

There's no downside to fame and people who whine about it make me sick. It's the greatest thing in the world.

The worst thing about television is that everybody you see on television is doing something better than what you're doing. You never see anybody on TV just sliding off the front of the sofa, with potato chip crumbs all over their shirt.

I love being a dad. I just love it.

The truth is, I had always wanted to be a comedian, but I really didn't have that kind of personality, and it's a terrifying thing to say.

It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.

Cry when you get a Golden Globe. Then you can get an Oscar nomination.

If you go to a bad movie, it's two hours. If you're in a bad movie, it's two years.

I can walk through a hotel lobby and watch people at the desk and see what they're doing. People don't look at me. They don't even know I'm there.

But after they settle in you've still got to be funny, because for an hour just the fact they get to see you live in a theater is going to wear off if you're not doing well.

I have a nice bookshelf in my office, but not my house. I'm crass, but not that crass.

I like definitive things.

I do not know why anyone would host an awards show. No matter how unbelievably well you do at it, the only thing that can happen is you get asked again to host an awards show.

Once you start doing only what you've already proven you can do, you're on the road to death.