Quotes & Jokes by Jerry Seinfeld / page 8
If I want a long boring story with no point to it, I have my life.
The truth is, I had always wanted to be a comedian, but I really didn't have that kind of personality, and it's a terrifying thing to say.
There's no downside to fame and people who whine about it make me sick. It's the greatest thing in the world.
The worst thing about television is that everybody you see on television is doing something better than what you're doing. You never see anybody on TV just sliding off the front of the sofa, with potato chip crumbs all over their shirt.
Cry when you get a Golden Globe. Then you can get an Oscar nomination.
It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
If you go to a bad movie, it's two hours. If you're in a bad movie, it's two years.
I can walk through a hotel lobby and watch people at the desk and see what they're doing. People don't look at me. They don't even know I'm there.
But after they settle in you've still got to be funny, because for an hour just the fact they get to see you live in a theater is going to wear off if you're not doing well.
I do not know why anyone would host an awards show. No matter how unbelievably well you do at it, the only thing that can happen is you get asked again to host an awards show.
I have a nice bookshelf in my office, but not my house. I'm crass, but not that crass.
Once you start doing only what you've already proven you can do, you're on the road to death.