Quotes & Jokes by Joan Rivers / page 9

I was not an attractive child.

Put me up against Sarah Silverman and I could take her.

She's so pure, Moses couldn't even part her knees.

Every television show you go on is a choice.

The only time a woman has a true orgasm is when she is shopping.

She loves me so much, my daughter. She doesn't want me to be lonely; isn't that nice? She's trying to fix me up with Robert Blake.

Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favorite food is seconds.

It's common courtesy; he's doing most of the work; you've got to encourage him.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

When you first get married, they open the car door for you. Eighteen years now... once he opened the car door for me in the last four years - we were on the freeway at the time.

I was a Brownie Scout mother.

The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.

Diets, like clothes, should be tailored to you.

I am so out of the loop. I am never honored. My career is hilarious to me. I am either under the radar or over the radar.

A child of one can be taught not to do certain things such as touch a hot stove, turn on the gas, pull lamps off their tables by their cords, or wake mommy before noon.