Quotes & Jokes by Joan Rivers / page 9

She's so pure, Moses couldn't even part her knees.

If you're going to be a romantic idol and try to get every teenage girl to love you, then you'd be an ass to come out and say you're gay. Ricky Martin was so smart. He did what he did, made his millions and then he said, Guess what, every body? I'm gay... It didn't matter anymore because he didn't have to bring in 16-year-old girls.

I was not an attractive child.

Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favorite food is seconds.

She loves me so much, my daughter. She doesn't want me to be lonely; isn't that nice? She's trying to fix me up with Robert Blake.

My boobs are so low I had to put curb feelers on my nipples!

The only time a woman has a true orgasm is when she is shopping.

I am so out of the loop. I am never honored. My career is hilarious to me. I am either under the radar or over the radar.

I was a Brownie Scout mother.

It's common courtesy; he's doing most of the work; you've got to encourage him.

Diets, like clothes, should be tailored to you.

When you first get married, they open the car door for you. Eighteen years now... once he opened the car door for me in the last four years - we were on the freeway at the time.

A child of one can be taught not to do certain things such as touch a hot stove, turn on the gas, pull lamps off their tables by their cords, or wake mommy before noon.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.