Quotes & Jokes by Joan Rivers / page 9

Both of my parents got to see me host Carson, thank God. That's all anyone wants: to have their parents see they're going to be all right in life.

Put me up against Sarah Silverman and I could take her.

She loves me so much, my daughter. She doesn't want me to be lonely; isn't that nice? She's trying to fix me up with Robert Blake.

I was not an attractive child.

If you're going to be a romantic idol and try to get every teenage girl to love you, then you'd be an ass to come out and say you're gay. Ricky Martin was so smart. He did what he did, made his millions and then he said, Guess what, every body? I'm gay... It didn't matter anymore because he didn't have to bring in 16-year-old girls.

Every television show you go on is a choice.

I was a Brownie Scout mother.

When you first get married, they open the car door for you. Eighteen years now... once he opened the car door for me in the last four years - we were on the freeway at the time.

My boobs are so low I had to put curb feelers on my nipples!

A child of one can be taught not to do certain things such as touch a hot stove, turn on the gas, pull lamps off their tables by their cords, or wake mommy before noon.

Diets, like clothes, should be tailored to you.

It's common courtesy; he's doing most of the work; you've got to encourage him.

The only time a woman has a true orgasm is when she is shopping.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

Looking fifty is great - if you're sixty.