Quotes & Jokes by Joan Rivers / page 9

When you first get married, they open the car door for you. Eighteen years now... once he opened the car door for me in the last four years - we were on the freeway at the time.

I will only praise someone who can't take anything away from me.

A child of one can be taught not to do certain things such as touch a hot stove, turn on the gas, pull lamps off their tables by their cords, or wake mommy before noon.

If you're going to be a romantic idol and try to get every teenage girl to love you, then you'd be an ass to come out and say you're gay. Ricky Martin was so smart. He did what he did, made his millions and then he said, Guess what, every body? I'm gay... It didn't matter anymore because he didn't have to bring in 16-year-old girls.

That's how I meet new men. The minute it says 'Sadie Schwartz' I know, 'Go to that funeral.'

I just love acting.

Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favorite food is seconds.

Looking fifty is great - if you're sixty.

Diets, like clothes, should be tailored to you.

The only time a woman has a true orgasm is when she is shopping.

It's common courtesy; he's doing most of the work; you've got to encourage him.

Put me up against Sarah Silverman and I could take her.

She loves me so much, my daughter. She doesn't want me to be lonely; isn't that nice? She's trying to fix me up with Robert Blake.

I think I'm in a business where you have to look good, and it's totally youth-oriented.

She's so pure, Moses couldn't even part her knees.