Quotes & Jokes by Joan Rivers / page 9

My boobs are so low I had to put curb feelers on my nipples!

When you first get married, they open the car door for you. Eighteen years now... once he opened the car door for me in the last four years - we were on the freeway at the time.

Diets, like clothes, should be tailored to you.

Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favorite food is seconds.

I will only praise someone who can't take anything away from me.

I just love acting.

Both of my parents got to see me host Carson, thank God. That's all anyone wants: to have their parents see they're going to be all right in life.

A child of one can be taught not to do certain things such as touch a hot stove, turn on the gas, pull lamps off their tables by their cords, or wake mommy before noon.

The only time a woman has a true orgasm is when she is shopping.

It's common courtesy; he's doing most of the work; you've got to encourage him.

Looking fifty is great - if you're sixty.

She loves me so much, my daughter. She doesn't want me to be lonely; isn't that nice? She's trying to fix me up with Robert Blake.

Put me up against Sarah Silverman and I could take her.

I lived to be on stage, and I'm terrified. Terrified before every show.

I think I'm in a business where you have to look good, and it's totally youth-oriented.