Quotes & Jokes by Joan Rivers / page 9

Both of my parents got to see me host Carson, thank God. That's all anyone wants: to have their parents see they're going to be all right in life.

Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favorite food is seconds.

My boobs are so low I had to put curb feelers on my nipples!

She's so pure, Moses couldn't even part her knees.

If you're going to be a romantic idol and try to get every teenage girl to love you, then you'd be an ass to come out and say you're gay. Ricky Martin was so smart. He did what he did, made his millions and then he said, Guess what, every body? I'm gay... It didn't matter anymore because he didn't have to bring in 16-year-old girls.

When you first get married, they open the car door for you. Eighteen years now... once he opened the car door for me in the last four years - we were on the freeway at the time.

Diets, like clothes, should be tailored to you.

She loves me so much, my daughter. She doesn't want me to be lonely; isn't that nice? She's trying to fix me up with Robert Blake.

A child of one can be taught not to do certain things such as touch a hot stove, turn on the gas, pull lamps off their tables by their cords, or wake mommy before noon.

Put me up against Sarah Silverman and I could take her.

I was so flat I used to put Xs on my chest and write, "You are here". I wore angora sweaters just so the guys would have something to pet.

Looking fifty is great - if you're sixty.

I will only praise someone who can't take anything away from me.

The only time a woman has a true orgasm is when she is shopping.

I think I'm in a business where you have to look good, and it's totally youth-oriented.