Quotes & Jokes by Joan Rivers / page 9

She's so pure, Moses couldn't even part her knees.

I am so out of the loop. I am never honored. My career is hilarious to me. I am either under the radar or over the radar.

Put me up against Sarah Silverman and I could take her.

If you're going to be a romantic idol and try to get every teenage girl to love you, then you'd be an ass to come out and say you're gay. Ricky Martin was so smart. He did what he did, made his millions and then he said, Guess what, every body? I'm gay... It didn't matter anymore because he didn't have to bring in 16-year-old girls.

The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.

She loves me so much, my daughter. She doesn't want me to be lonely; isn't that nice? She's trying to fix me up with Robert Blake.

My boobs are so low I had to put curb feelers on my nipples!

Every television show you go on is a choice.

When you first get married, they open the car door for you. Eighteen years now... once he opened the car door for me in the last four years - we were on the freeway at the time.

Diets, like clothes, should be tailored to you.

A child of one can be taught not to do certain things such as touch a hot stove, turn on the gas, pull lamps off their tables by their cords, or wake mommy before noon.

I was a Brownie Scout mother.

It's common courtesy; he's doing most of the work; you've got to encourage him.

Looking fifty is great - if you're sixty.

The only time a woman has a true orgasm is when she is shopping.