Quotes & Jokes by Joan Rivers / page 5

I love gay and lesbian parents. But I think we need a law that says lesbians and gay men have to raise their children together. This way, the kids would not only know how to build bookshelves, but they'd also instinctively know how to decorate them.

I've always hate child stars, starting from way back when, when I was a child. The first child star I saw was Shirley Temple. She was six years old, two foot six and the biggest star in Hollywood. She wore ribbons in her hair, and frilly little pinafores and shiny patent-leather tap shoes - just like the boys in Glee do.

I'm not saying she's easy, but she's been in so many motel rooms her nickname is 'Gideon.'

Does fashion matter? Always - though not quite as much after death.

I tried to contact Johnny to reconcile our friendship, a million times, but he just wasn't having it. When he passed away, I felt such a crushing blow, that things were still unresolved. Johnny was a dear friend, I wish things would've ended different, this just was not worth it.

Victoria Beckham is so nasty, why doesn't she just go home?! Her dresses are beautiful, but I don't care what she does. She's mean to all the people around her. She's too short to be a diva. We all use the same hairdressers, make-up artists, limo-drivers and greeters at the airports in LA and nobody has anything nice to say about her. They say she's rude. She can't always just be having a bad day.

Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.

I enjoy life when things are happening. I don't care if it's good things or bad things. That means you're alive.

All I can think of are her poor parents. The shame, the shame of the Hilton family. To have your daughter do a porno film… in a Marriott hotel.

Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'

I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.

Gay marriage - I am so against it because all my gay friends are out. And if they get married, it will cost me a fortune in gifts.

My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash.

For as one star another far exceeds, so souls in heaven are placed by their deeds.

And since we’re all adults here, let’s be brutally honest – most babies are not actually attractive. In fact, they’re weird and freakish looking. A large percentage of them are squinty-eyed and bald and their faces are all mushed toegther, kind of like Renee Zellweger pushed up against a glass window.