Quotes & Jokes by Joan Rivers / page 5

I enjoy life when things are happening. I don't care if it's good things or bad things. That means you're alive.

I hate reality shows that are not reality.

Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'

I tried to contact Johnny to reconcile our friendship, a million times, but he just wasn't having it. When he passed away, I felt such a crushing blow, that things were still unresolved. Johnny was a dear friend, I wish things would've ended different, this just was not worth it.

He who limps is still walking.

I was the last girl in Larchmont, NY to get married. My mother had a sign up: "Last Girl Before Freeway."

Elizabeth Taylor has more chins than the Chinese telephone directory.

Does fashion matter? Always - though not quite as much after death.

I'm not saying she's easy, but she's been in so many motel rooms her nickname is 'Gideon.'

If he's stuck with the shrew, I hope he screws everything that's not tied down.

Trust your husband, adore your husband, and get as much as you can in your own name.

All I can think of are her poor parents. The shame, the shame of the Hilton family. To have your daughter do a porno film… in a Marriott hotel.

I said to my husband, my boobs have gone, my stomach's gone, say something nice about my legs. He said, "Blue goes with everything."

My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash.

For as one star another far exceeds, so souls in heaven are placed by their deeds.