Quotes & Jokes by Joan Rivers / page 5

I hate reality shows that are not reality.

He who limps is still walking.

Elizabeth Taylor has more chins than the Chinese telephone directory.

Does fashion matter? Always - though not quite as much after death.

I was the last girl in Larchmont, NY to get married. My mother had a sign up: "Last Girl Before Freeway."

I enjoy life when things are happening. I don't care if it's good things or bad things. That means you're alive.

Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'

I'm not saying she's easy, but she's been in so many motel rooms her nickname is 'Gideon.'

All I can think of are her poor parents. The shame, the shame of the Hilton family. To have your daughter do a porno film… in a Marriott hotel.

I said to my husband, "Why don't you call out my name when we're making love?" He said, "I don't want to wake you up."

If he's stuck with the shrew, I hope he screws everything that's not tied down.

For as one star another far exceeds, so souls in heaven are placed by their deeds.

Gay marriage - I am so against it because all my gay friends are out. And if they get married, it will cost me a fortune in gifts.

Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.

Trust your husband, adore your husband, and get as much as you can in your own name.