Quotes & Jokes by Joan Rivers / page 5

Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you're funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you.

The fashion magazines are suggesting that women wear clothes that are 'age appropriate'. For me that would be a shroud.

The ideal beauty is a fugitive which is never found.

Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'

I'm not saying she's easy, but she's been in so many motel rooms her nickname is 'Gideon.'

He who limps is still walking.

Elizabeth Taylor has more chins than the Chinese telephone directory.

Does fashion matter? Always - though not quite as much after death.

I tried to contact Johnny to reconcile our friendship, a million times, but he just wasn't having it. When he passed away, I felt such a crushing blow, that things were still unresolved. Johnny was a dear friend, I wish things would've ended different, this just was not worth it.

Trust your husband, adore your husband, and get as much as you can in your own name.

I said to my husband, my boobs have gone, my stomach's gone, say something nice about my legs. He said, "Blue goes with everything."

Gay marriage - I am so against it because all my gay friends are out. And if they get married, it will cost me a fortune in gifts.

My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash.

All I can think of are her poor parents. The shame, the shame of the Hilton family. To have your daughter do a porno film… in a Marriott hotel.

I have no sex appeal, which kills me. The only way I can ever hear heavy breathing from my husband's side of the bed is when he's having an asthma attack.