Quotes & Jokes by Joan Rivers / page 6

Maybe I'm old-fashioned, but I believe when a woman enters a room, men should stand up - and gay men should stand up at least halfway.

Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

For as one star another far exceeds, so souls in heaven are placed by their deeds.

I have no sex appeal, which kills me. The only way I can ever hear heavy breathing from my husband's side of the bed is when he's having an asthma attack.

And since we’re all adults here, let’s be brutally honest – most babies are not actually attractive. In fact, they’re weird and freakish looking. A large percentage of them are squinty-eyed and bald and their faces are all mushed toegther, kind of like Renee Zellweger pushed up against a glass window.

My perfect last meal would be: shrimp cocktail, lasagna, steak, creamed spinach, salad with bleu cheese dressing, onion rings, garlic bread, and a dessert of strawberry shortcake.

Why women don't blink during foreplay... not enough time.

My earliest childhood memory was watching my parents loosen the wheels on my stoller.

I don't think I'm good in bed. My husband never said anything, but after we made love he'd take a piece of chalk and outline my body.

I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.

I was smart enough to go through any door that opened.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

All Angelina Jolie wants to do is do good for people. And she was saying to me: "If I could just make one person happy, Joan, I'll die satisfied." I said: "Easy! Just give Jennifer Aniston back her husband."

If I found her floating in my pool, I'd punish my dog.