Quotes & Jokes by Joan Rivers / page 6

My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash.

I said to my husband, "Why don't you call out my name when we're making love?" He said, "I don't want to wake you up."

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.

My perfect last meal would be: shrimp cocktail, lasagna, steak, creamed spinach, salad with bleu cheese dressing, onion rings, garlic bread, and a dessert of strawberry shortcake.

My body is falling so fast my gynaecologist wears a hard hat.

If I found her floating in my pool, I'd punish my dog.

Maybe I'm old-fashioned, but I believe when a woman enters a room, men should stand up - and gay men should stand up at least halfway.

I said to my husband, my boobs have gone, my stomach's gone, say something nice about my legs. He said, "Blue goes with everything."

Why women don't blink during foreplay... not enough time.

A girl, you're 30 years old, you're not married - you're an old maid. A man, he's 90 years old, he's not married - he's a catch.

If you don’t want gays in the military, make the uniforms ugly.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

You know you're getting old when you buy a sexy sheer nightgown and don't know anyone who can see through it.

My earliest childhood memory was watching my parents loosen the wheels on my stoller.