Quotes & Jokes by Joan Rivers / page 6

For as one star another far exceeds, so souls in heaven are placed by their deeds.

Maybe I'm old-fashioned, but I believe when a woman enters a room, men should stand up - and gay men should stand up at least halfway.

Gay marriage - I am so against it because all my gay friends are out. And if they get married, it will cost me a fortune in gifts.

And since we’re all adults here, let’s be brutally honest – most babies are not actually attractive. In fact, they’re weird and freakish looking. A large percentage of them are squinty-eyed and bald and their faces are all mushed toegther, kind of like Renee Zellweger pushed up against a glass window.

My perfect last meal would be: shrimp cocktail, lasagna, steak, creamed spinach, salad with bleu cheese dressing, onion rings, garlic bread, and a dessert of strawberry shortcake.

I have no sex appeal, which kills me. The only way I can ever hear heavy breathing from my husband's side of the bed is when he's having an asthma attack.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

My earliest childhood memory was watching my parents loosen the wheels on my stoller.

Why women don't blink during foreplay... not enough time.

I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.

I was smart enough to go through any door that opened.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

My body is falling so fast my gynaecologist wears a hard hat.

I don't think I'm good in bed. My husband never said anything, but after we made love he'd take a piece of chalk and outline my body.

If I found her floating in my pool, I'd punish my dog.