Quotes & Jokes by Joan Rivers / page 6

My perfect last meal would be: shrimp cocktail, lasagna, steak, creamed spinach, salad with bleu cheese dressing, onion rings, garlic bread, and a dessert of strawberry shortcake.

Trust your husband, adore your husband, and get as much as you can in your own name.

My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

Maybe I'm old-fashioned, but I believe when a woman enters a room, men should stand up - and gay men should stand up at least halfway.

I said to my husband, my boobs have gone, my stomach's gone, say something nice about my legs. He said, "Blue goes with everything."

My earliest childhood memory was watching my parents loosen the wheels on my stoller.

I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.

Why women don't blink during foreplay... not enough time.

I was smart enough to go through any door that opened.

My body is falling so fast my gynaecologist wears a hard hat.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

I have no sex appeal, which kills me. The only way I can ever hear heavy breathing from my husband's side of the bed is when he's having an asthma attack.

If I found her floating in my pool, I'd punish my dog.

A girl, you're 30 years old, you're not married - you're an old maid. A man, he's 90 years old, he's not married - he's a catch.