Quotes & Jokes by Joan Rivers / page 6

And since we’re all adults here, let’s be brutally honest – most babies are not actually attractive. In fact, they’re weird and freakish looking. A large percentage of them are squinty-eyed and bald and their faces are all mushed toegther, kind of like Renee Zellweger pushed up against a glass window.

I said to my husband, "Why don't you call out my name when we're making love?" He said, "I don't want to wake you up."

My body is falling so fast my gynaecologist wears a hard hat.

My perfect last meal would be: shrimp cocktail, lasagna, steak, creamed spinach, salad with bleu cheese dressing, onion rings, garlic bread, and a dessert of strawberry shortcake.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

Trust your husband, adore your husband, and get as much as you can in your own name.

If I found her floating in my pool, I'd punish my dog.

You know you're getting old when you buy a sexy sheer nightgown and don't know anyone who can see through it.

I said to my husband, my boobs have gone, my stomach's gone, say something nice about my legs. He said, "Blue goes with everything."

Maybe I'm old-fashioned, but I believe when a woman enters a room, men should stand up - and gay men should stand up at least halfway.

If you don’t want gays in the military, make the uniforms ugly.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

It's so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up who.

A girl, you're 30 years old, you're not married - you're an old maid. A man, he's 90 years old, he's not married - he's a catch.

Why women don't blink during foreplay... not enough time.