Quotes & Jokes by Joan Rivers / page 6

My body is falling so fast my gynaecologist wears a hard hat.

My perfect last meal would be: shrimp cocktail, lasagna, steak, creamed spinach, salad with bleu cheese dressing, onion rings, garlic bread, and a dessert of strawberry shortcake.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

If I found her floating in my pool, I'd punish my dog.

If he's stuck with the shrew, I hope he screws everything that's not tied down.

You know you're getting old when you buy a sexy sheer nightgown and don't know anyone who can see through it.

Trust your husband, adore your husband, and get as much as you can in your own name.

I said to my husband, "Why don't you call out my name when we're making love?" He said, "I don't want to wake you up."

It's so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up who.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

A girl, you're 30 years old, you're not married - you're an old maid. A man, he's 90 years old, he's not married - he's a catch.

Maybe I'm old-fashioned, but I believe when a woman enters a room, men should stand up - and gay men should stand up at least halfway.

I said to my husband, my boobs have gone, my stomach's gone, say something nice about my legs. He said, "Blue goes with everything."

If you don’t want gays in the military, make the uniforms ugly.

Why women don't blink during foreplay... not enough time.