Quotes & Jokes by Joan Rivers / page 6

My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I said to my husband, "Why don't you call out my name when we're making love?" He said, "I don't want to wake you up."

I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.

My body is falling so fast my gynaecologist wears a hard hat.

My perfect last meal would be: shrimp cocktail, lasagna, steak, creamed spinach, salad with bleu cheese dressing, onion rings, garlic bread, and a dessert of strawberry shortcake.

If I found her floating in my pool, I'd punish my dog.

Maybe I'm old-fashioned, but I believe when a woman enters a room, men should stand up - and gay men should stand up at least halfway.

I said to my husband, my boobs have gone, my stomach's gone, say something nice about my legs. He said, "Blue goes with everything."

A girl, you're 30 years old, you're not married - you're an old maid. A man, he's 90 years old, he's not married - he's a catch.

Why women don't blink during foreplay... not enough time.

If you don’t want gays in the military, make the uniforms ugly.

You know you're getting old when you buy a sexy sheer nightgown and don't know anyone who can see through it.

It's so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up who.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.