Quotes & Jokes by Joan Rivers / page 7

If you don’t want gays in the military, make the uniforms ugly.

If I found her floating in my pool, I'd punish my dog.

I've had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.

A girl, you're 30 years old, you're not married - you're an old maid. A man, he's 90 years old, he's not married - he's a catch.

Life is very tough. If you don't laugh, it's tough.

It's so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up who.

You know you're getting old when you buy a sexy sheer nightgown and don't know anyone who can see through it.

I have a wonderful psychiatrist that I see maybe once a year, because I don't need it. It all comes out onstage.

Elizabeth Taylor's so fat she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.

I finally found out how priests get holy water. They boil the hell out of it.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

I don't think there'd be a Tina Fey now if I hadn't tried to look good in the beginning.

No steam or gas ever drives anything until it is confined. No Niagara is ever turned into light and power until it is tunneled. No life ever grows until it is focused, dedicated, disciplined.

I like colonic irrigation because sometimes you find old jewellery.