Quotes & Jokes by Joan Rivers / page 7

I've had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

If you don’t want gays in the military, make the uniforms ugly.

It's so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up who.

You know you're getting old when you buy a sexy sheer nightgown and don't know anyone who can see through it.

If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.

I don't think I'm good in bed. My husband never said anything, but after we made love he'd take a piece of chalk and outline my body.

Elizabeth Taylor's so fat she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.

All Angelina Jolie wants to do is do good for people. And she was saying to me: "If I could just make one person happy, Joan, I'll die satisfied." I said: "Easy! Just give Jennifer Aniston back her husband."

Life is very tough. If you don't laugh, it's tough.

I finally found out how priests get holy water. They boil the hell out of it.

I have a wonderful psychiatrist that I see maybe once a year, because I don't need it. It all comes out onstage.

I don't think there'd be a Tina Fey now if I hadn't tried to look good in the beginning.

I'm in nobody's circle, I've always been an outsider.

I like colonic irrigation because sometimes you find old jewellery.

I was dating a transvestite, and my mother said, 'Marry him, you'll double your wardrobe.'