Quotes & Jokes by Joan Rivers / page 7

Elizabeth Taylor's so fat she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.

My earliest childhood memory was watching my parents loosen the wheels on my stoller.

I don't think there'd be a Tina Fey now if I hadn't tried to look good in the beginning.

I've had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

I was smart enough to go through any door that opened.

If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.

I don't think I'm good in bed. My husband never said anything, but after we made love he'd take a piece of chalk and outline my body.

Life is very tough. If you don't laugh, it's tough.

I have a wonderful psychiatrist that I see maybe once a year, because I don't need it. It all comes out onstage.

I finally found out how priests get holy water. They boil the hell out of it.

I have no sex appeal, which kills me. The only way I can ever hear heavy breathing from my husband's side of the bed is when he's having an asthma attack.

I like colonic irrigation because sometimes you find old jewellery.

All Angelina Jolie wants to do is do good for people. And she was saying to me: "If I could just make one person happy, Joan, I'll die satisfied." I said: "Easy! Just give Jennifer Aniston back her husband."

I was dating a transvestite, and my mother said, 'Marry him, you'll double your wardrobe.'

No steam or gas ever drives anything until it is confined. No Niagara is ever turned into light and power until it is tunneled. No life ever grows until it is focused, dedicated, disciplined.