Quotes & Jokes by Joan Rivers / page 7

If you don’t want gays in the military, make the uniforms ugly.

I've had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

My body is falling so fast my gynaecologist wears a hard hat.

A girl, you're 30 years old, you're not married - you're an old maid. A man, he's 90 years old, he's not married - he's a catch.

If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.

You know you're getting old when you buy a sexy sheer nightgown and don't know anyone who can see through it.

It's so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up who.

Life is very tough. If you don't laugh, it's tough.

I have a wonderful psychiatrist that I see maybe once a year, because I don't need it. It all comes out onstage.

Elizabeth Taylor's so fat she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.

I like colonic irrigation because sometimes you find old jewellery.

I finally found out how priests get holy water. They boil the hell out of it.

I once dated a guy who was so dumb he couldn't count to twenty-one unless he was naked.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

No steam or gas ever drives anything until it is confined. No Niagara is ever turned into light and power until it is tunneled. No life ever grows until it is focused, dedicated, disciplined.