Quotes & Jokes by Joan Rivers / page 7

All Angelina Jolie wants to do is do good for people. And she was saying to me: "If I could just make one person happy, Joan, I'll die satisfied." I said: "Easy! Just give Jennifer Aniston back her husband."

I've had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.

A girl, you're 30 years old, you're not married - you're an old maid. A man, he's 90 years old, he's not married - he's a catch.

If you don’t want gays in the military, make the uniforms ugly.

You know you're getting old when you buy a sexy sheer nightgown and don't know anyone who can see through it.

It's so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up who.

Life is very tough. If you don't laugh, it's tough.

I have a wonderful psychiatrist that I see maybe once a year, because I don't need it. It all comes out onstage.

Elizabeth Taylor's so fat she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.

I don't think there'd be a Tina Fey now if I hadn't tried to look good in the beginning.

I finally found out how priests get holy water. They boil the hell out of it.

I'm in nobody's circle, I've always been an outsider.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

I like colonic irrigation because sometimes you find old jewellery.