Quotes & Jokes by Joan Rivers / page 8

I don't think there'd be a Tina Fey now if I hadn't tried to look good in the beginning.

I was dating a transvestite, and my mother said, 'Marry him, you'll double your wardrobe.'

I bought a pedigree dog for 300$. My friend said, "Give me 300$ and I'll shit on your carpet."

My daughter and I are very close. We speak every single day and I call her every day and I say the same thing, "Pick up, I know you're there." And she says the same thing back, "How'd you get this new number?"

Because I'm the only performer who comes out and says I've had plastic surgery, I've become the plastic surgery poster girl, which is hilarious, because everybody has done it and they all deny it. They stand there, like the Bride of Frankenstein, they've all got stitches, and they all say, 'I've done nothing.' I talk about it.

I was getting dressed and a peeping Tom looked in the window, took a look and pulled down the shade.

The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.

I'm in nobody's circle, I've always been an outsider.

Ginger did everything Fred did, only backwards and in High Heels!

The thing is, I'm happiest when I'm on stage.

I have so little sex appeal my gynaecologist calls me "sir".

I am so out of the loop. I am never honored. My career is hilarious to me. I am either under the radar or over the radar.

Both of my parents got to see me host Carson, thank God. That's all anyone wants: to have their parents see they're going to be all right in life.

My boobs are so low I had to put curb feelers on my nipples!

I was not an attractive child.