Quotes & Jokes by Joan Rivers / page 8

I don't think there'd be a Tina Fey now if I hadn't tried to look good in the beginning.

Because I'm the only performer who comes out and says I've had plastic surgery, I've become the plastic surgery poster girl, which is hilarious, because everybody has done it and they all deny it. They stand there, like the Bride of Frankenstein, they've all got stitches, and they all say, 'I've done nothing.' I talk about it.

I was dating a transvestite, and my mother said, 'Marry him, you'll double your wardrobe.'

My daughter and I are very close. We speak every single day and I call her every day and I say the same thing, "Pick up, I know you're there." And she says the same thing back, "How'd you get this new number?"

I bought a pedigree dog for 300$. My friend said, "Give me 300$ and I'll shit on your carpet."

The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.

The thing is, I'm happiest when I'm on stage.

I'm in nobody's circle, I've always been an outsider.

I was getting dressed and a peeping Tom looked in the window, took a look and pulled down the shade.

Ginger did everything Fred did, only backwards and in High Heels!

I have so little sex appeal my gynaecologist calls me "sir".

I was not an attractive child.

I am so out of the loop. I am never honored. My career is hilarious to me. I am either under the radar or over the radar.

That's how I meet new men. The minute it says 'Sadie Schwartz' I know, 'Go to that funeral.'

If you're going to be a romantic idol and try to get every teenage girl to love you, then you'd be an ass to come out and say you're gay. Ricky Martin was so smart. He did what he did, made his millions and then he said, Guess what, every body? I'm gay... It didn't matter anymore because he didn't have to bring in 16-year-old girls.