Quotes & Jokes by Joan Rivers / page 8
Because I'm the only performer who comes out and says I've had plastic surgery, I've become the plastic surgery poster girl, which is hilarious, because everybody has done it and they all deny it. They stand there, like the Bride of Frankenstein, they've all got stitches, and they all say, 'I've done nothing.' I talk about it.
I was getting dressed and a peeping Tom looked in the window, took a look and pulled down the shade.
My daughter and I are very close. We speak every single day and I call her every day and I say the same thing, "Pick up, I know you're there." And she says the same thing back, "How'd you get this new number?"
I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'
I once dated a guy who was so dumb he couldn't count to twenty-one unless he was naked.
That's how I meet new men. The minute it says 'Sadie Schwartz' I know, 'Go to that funeral.'
Both of my parents got to see me host Carson, thank God. That's all anyone wants: to have their parents see they're going to be all right in life.
I bought a pedigree dog for 300$. My friend said, "Give me 300$ and I'll shit on your carpet."
If you're going to be a romantic idol and try to get every teenage girl to love you, then you'd be an ass to come out and say you're gay. Ricky Martin was so smart. He did what he did, made his millions and then he said, Guess what, every body? I'm gay... It didn't matter anymore because he didn't have to bring in 16-year-old girls.