Quotes & Jokes by Joan Rivers / page 8
Because I'm the only performer who comes out and says I've had plastic surgery, I've become the plastic surgery poster girl, which is hilarious, because everybody has done it and they all deny it. They stand there, like the Bride of Frankenstein, they've all got stitches, and they all say, 'I've done nothing.' I talk about it.
No steam or gas ever drives anything until it is confined. No Niagara is ever turned into light and power until it is tunneled. No life ever grows until it is focused, dedicated, disciplined.
I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'
My daughter and I are very close. We speak every single day and I call her every day and I say the same thing, "Pick up, I know you're there." And she says the same thing back, "How'd you get this new number?"
I once dated a guy who was so dumb he couldn't count to twenty-one unless he was naked.
I was getting dressed and a peeping Tom looked in the window, took a look and pulled down the shade.
I bought a pedigree dog for 300$. My friend said, "Give me 300$ and I'll shit on your carpet."
That's how I meet new men. The minute it says 'Sadie Schwartz' I know, 'Go to that funeral.'
Both of my parents got to see me host Carson, thank God. That's all anyone wants: to have their parents see they're going to be all right in life.