Quotes & Jokes by Joan Rivers / page 10

The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.

I was so flat I used to put Xs on my chest and write, "You are here". I wore angora sweaters just so the guys would have something to pet.

I lived to be on stage, and I'm terrified. Terrified before every show.

I think I'm in a business where you have to look good, and it's totally youth-oriented.

Never floss with a stranger.

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes had the baby. He was there for the birth. It would've been nice if he was there for the conception.

If you're not a wreck in this business, you're not around.

Our natures are a lot like oil, mix us with anything else, and we strive to swim on top.

I want them to know I don't think I'm wonderful, or better than they are. Part of comedy is saying: 'I am you and you are me, and we're all feeling the same thing.'

Valentine’s Day is different for old people. At this age I receive chocolates in boxes shaped like artificial hearts.

There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl.

I will only praise someone who can't take anything away from me.

Victoria Beckham should get a life, I am not a fan of outrageous consumption. I think it is vulgar. And no-one should flaunt that they have a hundred Hermes $12,000 bags. Not when people are starving. Everyone should be allowed to have a great time but she shows a distinct lack of class.

I could be the Greta Garbo of comedy, very secluded, but Garbo had a man who was beyond rich to support her.

Grandchildren can be fucking annoying. How many times can you go 'And the cow goes moo and the pig goes oink'? It's like talking to a supermodel.