Quotes & Jokes by Johnny Carson / page 3
Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn't grow up can be vice president.
Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.
Last night, it was so cold, the flashers in New York were only describing themselves.
In Hollywood if you don't have a shrink, people think you're crazy.
Did you know Richard Nixon is the only president whose formal portrait was painted by a police sketch artist?
It was so hot today I saw a pigeon walking in the shadow of Orson Welles.
May you have the income of a Republican and the sex life of a Democrat!
Happiness is sitting down to watch slides of your neighbor's vacation and finding out he spent two weeks at a nudist colony.
If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners.
Happiness is seeing your son drafted the same day he's been accepted to an expensive college.
And so it has come to this. I am one of the lucky people in the world. I found something that I always wanted to do and I have enjoyed every single minute of it.
Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill.