Quotes & Jokes by Johnny Carson / page 3
Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.
Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.
In Hollywood if you don't have a shrink, people think you're crazy.
Last night, it was so cold, the flashers in New York were only describing themselves.
Happiness is sitting down to watch slides of your neighbor's vacation and finding out he spent two weeks at a nudist colony.
It was so hot today I saw a pigeon walking in the shadow of Orson Welles.
Did you know Richard Nixon is the only president whose formal portrait was painted by a police sketch artist?
Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill.
May you have the income of a Republican and the sex life of a Democrat!
Democracy is buying a big house you can't afford with money you don't have to impress people you wish were dead. And, unlike communism, democracy does not mean having just one ineffective political party; it means having two ineffective political parties.
You get the feeling that Dan Quayle's golf bag doesn't have a full set of irons?
Democracy is the eagle on the back of a dollar bill, with 13 arrows in one claw, 13 leaves on a branch, 13 tail feathers, and 13 stars over its head - this signifies that when the white man came to this country, it was bad luck for the Indians, bad luck for the trees, bad luck for the wildlife, and lights out for the American eagle.
Democracy is welcoming people from other lands, and giving them something to hold onto - usually a mop or a leaf blower.