Quotes & Jokes by Johnny Carson / page 3
Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn't grow up can be vice president.
In Hollywood if you don't have a shrink, people think you're crazy.
Last night, it was so cold, the flashers in New York were only describing themselves.
Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.
Did you know Richard Nixon is the only president whose formal portrait was painted by a police sketch artist?
Happiness is sitting down to watch slides of your neighbor's vacation and finding out he spent two weeks at a nudist colony.
May you have the income of a Republican and the sex life of a Democrat!
It was so hot today I saw a pigeon walking in the shadow of Orson Welles.
Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill.
Democracy is the eagle on the back of a dollar bill, with 13 arrows in one claw, 13 leaves on a branch, 13 tail feathers, and 13 stars over its head - this signifies that when the white man came to this country, it was bad luck for the Indians, bad luck for the trees, bad luck for the wildlife, and lights out for the American eagle.
If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners.
Democracy is buying a big house you can't afford with money you don't have to impress people you wish were dead. And, unlike communism, democracy does not mean having just one ineffective political party; it means having two ineffective political parties.