Quotes & Jokes by Johnny Carson / page 4
Adults ask questions as a child does. When you stop wondering, you might as well put your rocker on the front porch and call it a day.
Happiness is seeing your son drafted the same day he's been accepted to an expensive college.
If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners.
And so it has come to this. I am one of the lucky people in the world. I found something that I always wanted to do and I have enjoyed every single minute of it.
She doesn't need a steak knife. Rona Barrett cuts her food with her tongue.
The bad news is that aliens have landed... the good news is that they pee gasoline.
I hear that whenever someone in the White House tells a lie, Nixon gets a royalty.
If God didn't want men to hunt, he wouldn't have given him plaid shirts.
I hated my last boss. He asked, "Why are you two hours late?" I said, "I fell downstairs." He said, "That doesn't take two hours."
Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die.
I'm often asked, 'What is your favorite moment during the 30 years you hosted The Tonight Show?' I really don't have just one. The times I enjoyed the most were the spontaneous, unplanned segments that just happened, like Ed Ames' infamous 'Tomahawk Toss' that produced one of the longest laughs in television history. When these lucky moments happen, you just go with them and enjoy the experience and high of the moment.