Quotes & Jokes by Johnny Carson / page 4

Happiness is seeing your son drafted the same day he's been accepted to an expensive college.

You get the feeling that Dan Quayle's golf bag doesn't have a full set of irons?

Democracy is welcoming people from other lands, and giving them something to hold onto - usually a mop or a leaf blower.

And so it has come to this. I am one of the lucky people in the world. I found something that I always wanted to do and I have enjoyed every single minute of it.

She doesn't need a steak knife. Rona Barrett cuts her food with her tongue.

The bad news is that aliens have landed... the good news is that they pee gasoline.

Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die.

I hear that whenever someone in the White House tells a lie, Nixon gets a royalty.

If God didn't want men to hunt, he wouldn't have given him plaid shirts.

May a holy man squat on your fez.

I hated my last boss. He asked, "Why are you two hours late?" I said, "I fell downstairs." He said, "That doesn't take two hours."

When turkeys mate they think of swans.

Read my lips: No new promises.

In Los Angeles, the big story is that Police Chief Daryl Gates announced his retirement. It'll be sometime next year. Why can't a guy just retire without making a big deal of it?

For days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow, but phone calls taper off.