Quotes & Jokes by Johnny Carson / page 4
Democracy is welcoming people from other lands, and giving them something to hold onto - usually a mop or a leaf blower.
If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners.
And so it has come to this. I am one of the lucky people in the world. I found something that I always wanted to do and I have enjoyed every single minute of it.
She doesn't need a steak knife. Rona Barrett cuts her food with her tongue.
Happiness is seeing your son drafted the same day he's been accepted to an expensive college.
The bad news is that aliens have landed... the good news is that they pee gasoline.
I hated my last boss. He asked, "Why are you two hours late?" I said, "I fell downstairs." He said, "That doesn't take two hours."
I hear that whenever someone in the White House tells a lie, Nixon gets a royalty.
If God didn't want men to hunt, he wouldn't have given him plaid shirts.
Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die.
In Los Angeles, the big story is that Police Chief Daryl Gates announced his retirement. It'll be sometime next year. Why can't a guy just retire without making a big deal of it?
I'm often asked, 'What is your favorite moment during the 30 years you hosted The Tonight Show?' I really don't have just one. The times I enjoyed the most were the spontaneous, unplanned segments that just happened, like Ed Ames' infamous 'Tomahawk Toss' that produced one of the longest laughs in television history. When these lucky moments happen, you just go with them and enjoy the experience and high of the moment.