Quotes & Jokes by Johnny Carson / page 4
And so it has come to this. I am one of the lucky people in the world. I found something that I always wanted to do and I have enjoyed every single minute of it.
You get the feeling that Dan Quayle's golf bag doesn't have a full set of irons?
If God didn't want men to hunt, he wouldn't have given him plaid shirts.
Adults ask questions as a child does. When you stop wondering, you might as well put your rocker on the front porch and call it a day.
Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die.
She doesn't need a steak knife. Rona Barrett cuts her food with her tongue.
For days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow, but phone calls taper off.
I hated my last boss. He asked, "Why are you two hours late?" I said, "I fell downstairs." He said, "That doesn't take two hours."
Democracy is buying a big house you can't afford with money you don't have to impress people you wish were dead. And, unlike communism, democracy does not mean having just one ineffective political party; it means having two ineffective political parties.
I hear that whenever someone in the White House tells a lie, Nixon gets a royalty.
In Los Angeles, the big story is that Police Chief Daryl Gates announced his retirement. It'll be sometime next year. Why can't a guy just retire without making a big deal of it?
The bad news is that aliens have landed... the good news is that they pee gasoline.