Quotes & Jokes by Johnny Carson / page 4
Democracy is welcoming people from other lands, and giving them something to hold onto - usually a mop or a leaf blower.
You get the feeling that Dan Quayle's golf bag doesn't have a full set of irons?
If God didn't want men to hunt, he wouldn't have given him plaid shirts.
Adults ask questions as a child does. When you stop wondering, you might as well put your rocker on the front porch and call it a day.
Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die.
And so it has come to this. I am one of the lucky people in the world. I found something that I always wanted to do and I have enjoyed every single minute of it.
She doesn't need a steak knife. Rona Barrett cuts her food with her tongue.
Democracy is buying a big house you can't afford with money you don't have to impress people you wish were dead. And, unlike communism, democracy does not mean having just one ineffective political party; it means having two ineffective political parties.
For days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow, but phone calls taper off.
The bad news is that aliens have landed... the good news is that they pee gasoline.
I hated my last boss. He asked, "Why are you two hours late?" I said, "I fell downstairs." He said, "That doesn't take two hours."
I hear that whenever someone in the White House tells a lie, Nixon gets a royalty.