Quotes & Jokes by Milton Berle / page 4

Jews don't drink much because it interferes with their suffering.

Our Christmas tree was so puny we used orthopedic bulbs.

I wanted to get the guy who works next to me in the office something he really wants, but how do you wrap up a saloon?

That's your little joke? Don't worry! We'll mop it up later.

My son has a big Christmas problem - what do you buy for a father who has everything and you’re using it?

I have a brother who is afraid to go to sleep, he dreams he's working.

They've finally come up with the perfect office computer. If it makes a mistake, it blames another computer.

Don't tell jokes only the band laughs at.

The only place success comes before is in the dictionary.

All of your life you were crazy about cars, I guess that's why you turned out to be such a crank.

Valentine’s Day is the day when you remember that Cupid was a lousy shot.

The company accountant is shy and retiring. He's shy a quarter of a million dollars. That's why he's retiring.

What an orchestra! They just sit there, but their minds are thousands of miles away with their bookies.

I bought my mother-in-law a beautiful chair for Christmas, but she won’t let me plug it in.

If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?