Quotes & Jokes by Milton Berle / page 4

The TV news people keep saying that this could be the greatest Christmas we ever had. I kind of thought the first one was.

Jews don't drink much because it interferes with their suffering.

Valentine’s Day is the day when you remember that Cupid was a lousy shot.

I wanted to get the guy who works next to me in the office something he really wants, but how do you wrap up a saloon?

That's your little joke? Don't worry! We'll mop it up later.

What an orchestra! They just sit there, but their minds are thousands of miles away with their bookies.

The company accountant is shy and retiring. He's shy a quarter of a million dollars. That's why he's retiring.

Our Christmas tree was so puny we used orthopedic bulbs.

All of your life you were crazy about cars, I guess that's why you turned out to be such a crank.

I bought my mother-in-law a beautiful chair for Christmas, but she won’t let me plug it in.

They've finally come up with the perfect office computer. If it makes a mistake, it blames another computer.

The only place success comes before is in the dictionary.

Don't tell jokes only the band laughs at.

Mr Gallop you have a beautiful tale there. If you wear your coat long enough no one will notice it.

If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?