Quotes & Jokes by Milton Berle / page 4

My son has a big Christmas problem - what do you buy for a father who has everything and you’re using it?

Jews don't drink much because it interferes with their suffering.

Our Christmas tree was so puny we used orthopedic bulbs.

Do you want to feel insecure? Count the number of Christmas cards you sent out, and then count those you received.

All of your life you were crazy about cars, I guess that's why you turned out to be such a crank.

The only place success comes before is in the dictionary.

I wanted to get the guy who works next to me in the office something he really wants, but how do you wrap up a saloon?

That's your little joke? Don't worry! We'll mop it up later.

Valentine’s Day is the day when you remember that Cupid was a lousy shot.

Don't tell jokes only the band laughs at.

They've finally come up with the perfect office computer. If it makes a mistake, it blames another computer.

The company accountant is shy and retiring. He's shy a quarter of a million dollars. That's why he's retiring.

I bought my mother-in-law a beautiful chair for Christmas, but she won’t let me plug it in.

What an orchestra! They just sit there, but their minds are thousands of miles away with their bookies.

I bought a Christmas tree for twenty dollars. When I came home the next day, my wife was wearing it in her hair.