Quotes & Jokes by Milton Berle / page 4

Valentine’s Day is the day when you remember that Cupid was a lousy shot.

Jews don't drink much because it interferes with their suffering.

That's your little joke? Don't worry! We'll mop it up later.

What an orchestra! They just sit there, but their minds are thousands of miles away with their bookies.

I wanted to get the guy who works next to me in the office something he really wants, but how do you wrap up a saloon?

I bought my kid an educational toy to help him make it through life. No matter how you put it together, it’s wrong.

The company accountant is shy and retiring. He's shy a quarter of a million dollars. That's why he's retiring.

I bought my mother-in-law a beautiful chair for Christmas, but she won’t let me plug it in.

If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?

All of your life you were crazy about cars, I guess that's why you turned out to be such a crank.

Our Christmas tree was so puny we used orthopedic bulbs.

Don't tell jokes only the band laughs at.

They've finally come up with the perfect office computer. If it makes a mistake, it blames another computer.

Mr Gallop you have a beautiful tale there. If you wear your coat long enough no one will notice it.

The Post Office is very careful nowadays. When they get a package marked “Fragile,” they throw it underhand.