Quotes & Jokes by Milton Berle / page 4

Jews don't drink much because it interferes with their suffering.

Do you want to feel insecure? Count the number of Christmas cards you sent out, and then count those you received.

My son has a big Christmas problem - what do you buy for a father who has everything and you’re using it?

Our Christmas tree was so puny we used orthopedic bulbs.

I wanted to get the guy who works next to me in the office something he really wants, but how do you wrap up a saloon?

The only place success comes before is in the dictionary.

That's your little joke? Don't worry! We'll mop it up later.

All of your life you were crazy about cars, I guess that's why you turned out to be such a crank.

Don't tell jokes only the band laughs at.

The company accountant is shy and retiring. He's shy a quarter of a million dollars. That's why he's retiring.

They've finally come up with the perfect office computer. If it makes a mistake, it blames another computer.

Valentine’s Day is the day when you remember that Cupid was a lousy shot.

What an orchestra! They just sit there, but their minds are thousands of miles away with their bookies.

I bought my mother-in-law a beautiful chair for Christmas, but she won’t let me plug it in.

If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?