Quotes & Jokes by Milton Berle / page 5

The Post Office is very careful nowadays. When they get a package marked “Fragile,” they throw it underhand.

I have a brother who is afraid to go to sleep, he dreams he's working.

This man’s wife told him, “For Christmas, surprise me.” On Christmas Eve he leaned over where she was sleeping and said, “Boo!”

We grew together. I grew up. She grew sideways.

My sister-in-law found a real surprise in her stockings - my brother.

My wife is a real Puritan. She thinks licking the stamp on the envelope of a Valentine is foreplay.

Poverty is not a disgrace, but it's terribly inconvenient.

I know why superman left krypton. Earth was the only place where he could get steroids!

At Christmas you can get real bargains. I saw one item marked down ten dollars. It was a yacht.

Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, 'You're only interested in one thing,' and you can't remember what it is.

I live to laugh, and I laugh to live.

A man is hit by a car while crossing a Beverly Hills street. A woman rushes to him and cradles his head in her lap, asking, Are you comfortable? The man answers, I make a nice living.

A man falls down a flight of stairs and somebody rushes over to him and asks, "Did you miss a step?" "No," he answers, "I hit every one of them!"

I never stole a joke in my life. I just find them before they're lost.

I take New Years with a grain of salt and three aspirins.