Quotes & Jokes by Milton Berle / page 5
Mr Gallop you have a beautiful tale there. If you wear your coat long enough no one will notice it.
I bought a Christmas tree for twenty dollars. When I came home the next day, my wife was wearing it in her hair.
My sister-in-law found a real surprise in her stockings - my brother.
I know why superman left krypton. Earth was the only place where he could get steroids!
Our local department store had two Santas - one for regular kids and one for kids who wanted ten toys or less.
A man is hit by a car while crossing a Beverly Hills street. A woman rushes to him and cradles his head in her lap, asking, Are you comfortable? The man answers, I make a nice living.
My son asked for very little - a kickstand, with a motorcycle attached.
The Post Office is very careful nowadays. When they get a package marked “Fragile,” they throw it underhand.
This man’s wife told him, “For Christmas, surprise me.” On Christmas Eve he leaned over where she was sleeping and said, “Boo!”
At Christmas you can get real bargains. I saw one item marked down ten dollars. It was a yacht.
I never stole a joke in my life. I just find them before they're lost.