Quotes & Jokes by Milton Berle / page 5

If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?

Mr Gallop you have a beautiful tale there. If you wear your coat long enough no one will notice it.

My sister-in-law found a real surprise in her stockings - my brother.

It’s amazing how fast later comes when you buy now!

I know why superman left krypton. Earth was the only place where he could get steroids!

A man is hit by a car while crossing a Beverly Hills street. A woman rushes to him and cradles his head in her lap, asking, Are you comfortable? The man answers, I make a nice living.

This man’s wife told him, “For Christmas, surprise me.” On Christmas Eve he leaned over where she was sleeping and said, “Boo!”

Our local department store had two Santas - one for regular kids and one for kids who wanted ten toys or less.

My son asked for very little - a kickstand, with a motorcycle attached.

A thing of beauty is a job forever.

At Christmas you can get real bargains. I saw one item marked down ten dollars. It was a yacht.

We grew together. I grew up. She grew sideways.

Poverty is not a disgrace, but it's terribly inconvenient.

The Post Office is very careful nowadays. When they get a package marked “Fragile,” they throw it underhand.

I live to laugh, and I laugh to live.