Quotes & Jokes by Milton Berle / page 5

Mr Gallop you have a beautiful tale there. If you wear your coat long enough no one will notice it.

My sister-in-law found a real surprise in her stockings - my brother.

I know why superman left krypton. Earth was the only place where he could get steroids!

It’s amazing how fast later comes when you buy now!

Our local department store had two Santas - one for regular kids and one for kids who wanted ten toys or less.

The Post Office is very careful nowadays. When they get a package marked “Fragile,” they throw it underhand.

My son asked for very little - a kickstand, with a motorcycle attached.

A man is hit by a car while crossing a Beverly Hills street. A woman rushes to him and cradles his head in her lap, asking, Are you comfortable? The man answers, I make a nice living.

This man’s wife told him, “For Christmas, surprise me.” On Christmas Eve he leaned over where she was sleeping and said, “Boo!”

Poverty is not a disgrace, but it's terribly inconvenient.

We grew together. I grew up. She grew sideways.

At Christmas you can get real bargains. I saw one item marked down ten dollars. It was a yacht.

Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, 'You're only interested in one thing,' and you can't remember what it is.

A thing of beauty is a job forever.

I never stole a joke in my life. I just find them before they're lost.