Quotes & Jokes by Milton Berle / page 5

The only place success comes before is in the dictionary.

I have a brother who is afraid to go to sleep, he dreams he's working.

We grew together. I grew up. She grew sideways.

This man’s wife told him, “For Christmas, surprise me.” On Christmas Eve he leaned over where she was sleeping and said, “Boo!”

Poverty is not a disgrace, but it's terribly inconvenient.

At Christmas you can get real bargains. I saw one item marked down ten dollars. It was a yacht.

My sister-in-law found a real surprise in her stockings - my brother.

I know why superman left krypton. Earth was the only place where he could get steroids!

Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, 'You're only interested in one thing,' and you can't remember what it is.

My wife is a real Puritan. She thinks licking the stamp on the envelope of a Valentine is foreplay.

A thing of beauty is a job forever.

I take New Years with a grain of salt and three aspirins.

I live to laugh, and I laugh to live.

A man is hit by a car while crossing a Beverly Hills street. A woman rushes to him and cradles his head in her lap, asking, Are you comfortable? The man answers, I make a nice living.

I was in a department store and I saw a weird-looking gadget. I asked the young saleslady what it was. She answered, “It doesn’t do anything. It’s just a Christmas gift.”