Quotes & Jokes by Milton Berle / page 5

I have a brother who is afraid to go to sleep, he dreams he's working.

The Post Office is very careful nowadays. When they get a package marked “Fragile,” they throw it underhand.

Poverty is not a disgrace, but it's terribly inconvenient.

We grew together. I grew up. She grew sideways.

This man’s wife told him, “For Christmas, surprise me.” On Christmas Eve he leaned over where she was sleeping and said, “Boo!”

I know why superman left krypton. Earth was the only place where he could get steroids!

My sister-in-law found a real surprise in her stockings - my brother.

My wife is a real Puritan. She thinks licking the stamp on the envelope of a Valentine is foreplay.

Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, 'You're only interested in one thing,' and you can't remember what it is.

At Christmas you can get real bargains. I saw one item marked down ten dollars. It was a yacht.

I live to laugh, and I laugh to live.

I take New Years with a grain of salt and three aspirins.

A man is hit by a car while crossing a Beverly Hills street. A woman rushes to him and cradles his head in her lap, asking, Are you comfortable? The man answers, I make a nice living.

I never stole a joke in my life. I just find them before they're lost.

My son asked for very little - a kickstand, with a motorcycle attached.