Quotes & Jokes by Milton Berle / page 6
My son asked for very little - a kickstand, with a motorcycle attached.
I never stole a joke in my life. I just find them before they're lost.
I gave my wife a twenty-five-dollar gift certificate. She used it as a down payment on a mink coat.
In Washington, a man gets up to speak and doesn’t say a thing, and the other men disagree with him for three hours.
A man falls down a flight of stairs and somebody rushes over to him and asks, "Did you miss a step?" "No," he answers, "I hit every one of them!"
I bought a Christmas tree for twenty dollars. When I came home the next day, my wife was wearing it in her hair.
Remember that night you did that oriental cooch-cooch; the cops came and threw you in the can-can.
My wife and I were shopping for the whole family. In the music department my wife said, “Let’s get your nephew a set of drums. That’s what your brother did to us last year.”
Our local department store had two Santas - one for regular kids and one for kids who wanted ten toys or less.
Remember when I met you on the high seas Cynthia how coy you were. You tried to get away from me and what a fight you put up. You bent four of my harpoons.
I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can't get killed by a blank?