Quotes & Jokes by Milton Berle / page 6

My wife is a real Puritan. She thinks licking the stamp on the envelope of a Valentine is foreplay.

I like to think of myself as the middleman between Fred Allen and Henny Youngman.

I live to laugh, and I laugh to live.

I bought a Christmas tree for twenty dollars. When I came home the next day, my wife was wearing it in her hair.

I take New Years with a grain of salt and three aspirins.

You look like a normal person, if you can find a normal person who wants to look like that.

A man falls down a flight of stairs and somebody rushes over to him and asks, "Did you miss a step?" "No," he answers, "I hit every one of them!"

I was in a department store and I saw a weird-looking gadget. I asked the young saleslady what it was. She answered, “It doesn’t do anything. It’s just a Christmas gift.”

I gave my wife a twenty-five-dollar gift certificate. She used it as a down payment on a mink coat.

In Washington, a man gets up to speak and doesn’t say a thing, and the other men disagree with him for three hours.

My son gave me a nice bottle of cologne - Eau de Owe.

My wife and I were shopping for the whole family. In the music department my wife said, “Let’s get your nephew a set of drums. That’s what your brother did to us last year.”

I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can't get killed by a blank?

You look like something the dog just buried in the backyard and is trying to forget where.

Remember when I met you on the high seas Cynthia how coy you were. You tried to get away from me and what a fight you put up. You bent four of my harpoons.