Quotes & Jokes by Milton Berle / page 6

Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, 'You're only interested in one thing,' and you can't remember what it is.

The Post Office is very careful nowadays. When they get a package marked “Fragile,” they throw it underhand.

You look like a normal person, if you can find a normal person who wants to look like that.

I take New Years with a grain of salt and three aspirins.

My wife is a real Puritan. She thinks licking the stamp on the envelope of a Valentine is foreplay.

I was in a department store and I saw a weird-looking gadget. I asked the young saleslady what it was. She answered, “It doesn’t do anything. It’s just a Christmas gift.”

I like to think of myself as the middleman between Fred Allen and Henny Youngman.

You look like something the dog just buried in the backyard and is trying to forget where.

A man falls down a flight of stairs and somebody rushes over to him and asks, "Did you miss a step?" "No," he answers, "I hit every one of them!"

I gave my wife a twenty-five-dollar gift certificate. She used it as a down payment on a mink coat.

In Washington, a man gets up to speak and doesn’t say a thing, and the other men disagree with him for three hours.

My son gave me a nice bottle of cologne - Eau de Owe.

Remember when I met you on the high seas Cynthia how coy you were. You tried to get away from me and what a fight you put up. You bent four of my harpoons.

I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can't get killed by a blank?

I listened to Jack Benny on the radio last night, he was so funny I dropped my pad and pencil.