Quotes & Jokes by Milton Berle / page 6
I never stole a joke in my life. I just find them before they're lost.
Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, 'You're only interested in one thing,' and you can't remember what it is.
You look like a normal person, if you can find a normal person who wants to look like that.
My wife is a real Puritan. She thinks licking the stamp on the envelope of a Valentine is foreplay.
I like to think of myself as the middleman between Fred Allen and Henny Youngman.
You look like something the dog just buried in the backyard and is trying to forget where.
A man falls down a flight of stairs and somebody rushes over to him and asks, "Did you miss a step?" "No," he answers, "I hit every one of them!"
I was in a department store and I saw a weird-looking gadget. I asked the young saleslady what it was. She answered, “It doesn’t do anything. It’s just a Christmas gift.”
I gave my wife a twenty-five-dollar gift certificate. She used it as a down payment on a mink coat.
In Washington, a man gets up to speak and doesn’t say a thing, and the other men disagree with him for three hours.
I listened to Jack Benny on the radio last night, he was so funny I dropped my pad and pencil.
Remember when I met you on the high seas Cynthia how coy you were. You tried to get away from me and what a fight you put up. You bent four of my harpoons.