Quotes & Jokes by Milton Berle / page 6
I was in a department store and I saw a weird-looking gadget. I asked the young saleslady what it was. She answered, “It doesn’t do anything. It’s just a Christmas gift.”
In Washington, a man gets up to speak and doesn’t say a thing, and the other men disagree with him for three hours.
I bought a Christmas tree for twenty dollars. When I came home the next day, my wife was wearing it in her hair.
My son asked for very little - a kickstand, with a motorcycle attached.
I gave my wife a twenty-five-dollar gift certificate. She used it as a down payment on a mink coat.
A man falls down a flight of stairs and somebody rushes over to him and asks, "Did you miss a step?" "No," he answers, "I hit every one of them!"
Remember that night you did that oriental cooch-cooch; the cops came and threw you in the can-can.
My wife and I were shopping for the whole family. In the music department my wife said, “Let’s get your nephew a set of drums. That’s what your brother did to us last year.”
Remember when I met you on the high seas Cynthia how coy you were. You tried to get away from me and what a fight you put up. You bent four of my harpoons.
I like to think of myself as the middleman between Fred Allen and Henny Youngman.
Our local department store had two Santas - one for regular kids and one for kids who wanted ten toys or less.
My wife can’t figure out what to buy me. What do you give a man who’s had everything up to here?