Quotes & Jokes by Mitch Hedberg / page 10

When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn't get out, something is seriously wrong.

I don’t have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.

Dogs are forever in the push up postion.

I went to the airport, I put my bag in the x-ray machine, I found out my bag has cancer. It only has six more months to hold stuff.

If you have to release bad news to the public, it would help if you are not ugly.

It's hard to dance if you just your lost wallet. "Whoa! Where's my wallet? But, hey this song is funky."

I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.

I had a paper route when I was a kid. I was supposed to go to 2,000 houses. Or two dumpsters.

Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier'n helpin' 'em move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load shit into a truck.

I went to a tent store. "What kind of tent do you need?" "Circus."

A lot of people don't know it, but onions make me sad!

I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before.

I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people.

I use the word totally too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different but has the same meaning. Mitch do you like submarine sandwiches? All-encompassingly!

I would like to go fishing and catch a fishstick. That would be convenient.