Quotes & Jokes by Mitch Hedberg / page 10

I went to the airport, I put my bag in the x-ray machine, I found out my bag has cancer. It only has six more months to hold stuff.

I make myself a bowl of instant oatmeal, and then I don't do anything for an hour. Why do I need the instant oatmeal? I could get the regular oatmeal and feel productive.

I went to a tent store. "What kind of tent do you need?" "Circus."

I went to the store and bought eight apples; the clerk said, "Do you want these in a bag?" I said, "Oh, no, man, I juggle."

If you have to release bad news to the public, it would help if you are not ugly.

Snake eyes is a gambling term, and an animal term, too.

Dogs are forever in the push up postion.

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

I use the word totally too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different but has the same meaning. Mitch do you like submarine sandwiches? All-encompassingly!

I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before.

Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier'n helpin' 'em move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load shit into a truck.

If you can't sleep, count sheep. Don't count endangered animals. You will run out.

When you go to a bar that has a black light, everybody looks cool. Except for me, because I was under the impression that the mustard stain came out.

A lot of people don't know it, but onions make me sad!

I bought a scratch off lottery ticket, but then I accidentally spilled calamine lotion on it, so it did not need to be scratched. Shoot! I will not know if I have won!