Quotes & Jokes by Mitch Hedberg / page 10

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

If you have to release bad news to the public, it would help if you are not ugly.

I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone needs to get a hold of me they just say, "Mitch," and I say, "what" and turn my head slightly.

Snake eyes is a gambling term, and an animal term, too.

My girlfriend is named Lynn. She spells her name "Lynn". My old girlfriend's name is Lyn, too, but she spells it "Lyn". Every now and then I screw up, I call my new girlfriend by my old girlfriend's name, and she can tell because I don't say "n" as long.

I use the word totally too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different but has the same meaning. Mitch do you like submarine sandwiches? All-encompassingly!

Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier'n helpin' 'em move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load shit into a truck.

I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before.

A lot of people don't know it, but onions make me sad!

If you can't sleep, count sheep. Don't count endangered animals. You will run out.

When you go to a bar that has a black light, everybody looks cool. Except for me, because I was under the impression that the mustard stain came out.

I went to the store and bought eight apples; the clerk said, "Do you want these in a bag?" I said, "Oh, no, man, I juggle."

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck. An arrow killed you, they would never solve the crime. "Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way."

Dogs are forever in the push up postion.

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.