Quotes & Jokes by Mitch Hedberg / page 10

Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier'n helpin' 'em move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load shit into a truck.

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

A lot of people don't know it, but onions make me sad!

When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.

I use the word totally too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different but has the same meaning. Mitch do you like submarine sandwiches? All-encompassingly!

If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work.

I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win."

I have a roommate, and I signed a year lease. I screwed up! That's like I wrote a joke that didn't work, but now I have to tell it for a year.

I lived in an apartment, and I had a neighbor. I knew that whenever he knocked on the wall, he wanted me to turn my music down. I'd mess with his head. I'd say, "Go around. I cannot open the wall!"

If I was a mechanic and someone called me and said their car would not start, I would say, "Hey - maybe a killer is after you!"

Yeah, I'm not into sports. If someone told me I had athlete's foot, I'd say that's not my foot!

I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.

I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before.

If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.

Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.