Quotes & Jokes by Mitch Hedberg / page 10

All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.

When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn't get out, something is seriously wrong.

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

A lot of people don't know it, but onions make me sad!

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck. An arrow killed you, they would never solve the crime. "Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way."

I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask where they’re goin’ and hook up with them later.

If I was a mechanic and someone called me and said their car would not start, I would say, "Hey - maybe a killer is after you!"

When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.

Sometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I'm throwing a Frisbee.

Yeah, I'm not into sports. If someone told me I had athlete's foot, I'd say that's not my foot!

I have a roommate, and I signed a year lease. I screwed up! That's like I wrote a joke that didn't work, but now I have to tell it for a year.

I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before.

Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.

I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win."

I can read minds, but I'm illiterate.