Quotes & Jokes by Mitch Hedberg / page 10

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.

Dogs are forever in the push up postion.

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

I don’t have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.

I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.

When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn't get out, something is seriously wrong.

I went to the Home Depot, which was unnecessary. I need to go to the Apartment Depot. Which is just a big warehouse with a whole lot of people standing around saying "We don't have to fix anything."

If you have to release bad news to the public, it would help if you are not ugly.

I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once.

Sometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I'm throwing a Frisbee.

I had a paper route when I was a kid. I was supposed to go to 2,000 houses. Or two dumpsters.

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

People ask me for my autograph after a show. I'm not famous, I think they're messing with me. I think they're trying to make me late for something.

I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.