Quotes & Jokes by Mitch Hedberg / page 10

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.

A lot of people don't know it, but onions make me sad!

I don't get the regular AIDS test anymore. I get the roundabout AIDS test. I ask my friend Brian, "Do you know anybody who has AIDS?". He says, "No". I say, "Cool, because you know me."

I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win."

Sometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I'm throwing a Frisbee.

If I was a mechanic and someone called me and said their car would not start, I would say, "Hey - maybe a killer is after you!"

When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn't get out, something is seriously wrong.

I lived in an apartment, and I had a neighbor. I knew that whenever he knocked on the wall, he wanted me to turn my music down. I'd mess with his head. I'd say, "Go around. I cannot open the wall!"

I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people.

I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask where they’re goin’ and hook up with them later.

Yeah, I'm not into sports. If someone told me I had athlete's foot, I'd say that's not my foot!

I have a roommate, and I signed a year lease. I screwed up! That's like I wrote a joke that didn't work, but now I have to tell it for a year.

I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before.

I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.