Quotes & Jokes by Mitch Hedberg / page 10

I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

I ate one anchovy, and that is why I did not eat two anchovies.

I went to the Home Depot, which was unnecessary. I need to go to the Apartment Depot. Which is just a big warehouse with a whole lot of people standing around saying "We don't have to fix anything."

You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.

If you have to release bad news to the public, it would help if you are not ugly.

People ask me for my autograph after a show. I'm not famous, I think they're messing with me. I think they're trying to make me late for something.

I don’t have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.

Sometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I'm throwing a Frisbee.

When I was a boy, I laid in my twin size bed, wondering where my brother was.

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once.

I went to a tent store. "What kind of tent do you need?" "Circus."

I went to the airport, I put my bag in the x-ray machine, I found out my bag has cancer. It only has six more months to hold stuff.

I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.