Quotes & Jokes by Mitch Hedberg / page 10

I went to the Home Depot, which was unnecessary. I need to go to the Apartment Depot. Which is just a big warehouse with a whole lot of people standing around saying "We don't have to fix anything."

When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn't get out, something is seriously wrong.

I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.

Dogs are forever in the push up postion.

I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people.

If you have to release bad news to the public, it would help if you are not ugly.

If I was a mechanic and someone called me and said their car would not start, I would say, "Hey - maybe a killer is after you!"

I had a paper route when I was a kid. I was supposed to go to 2,000 houses. Or two dumpsters.

Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier'n helpin' 'em move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load shit into a truck.

I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.

I went to the airport, I put my bag in the x-ray machine, I found out my bag has cancer. It only has six more months to hold stuff.

I went to a tent store. "What kind of tent do you need?" "Circus."

It's hard to dance if you just your lost wallet. "Whoa! Where's my wallet? But, hey this song is funky."

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.