Quotes & Jokes by Mitch Hedberg / page 9

This one guy said, "Look at that girl. She's got a nice butt." I said, "Yeah, I bet she can sit down excellently!"

I had a paper route when I was a kid. I was supposed to go to 2,000 houses. Or two dumpsters.

This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

If you have to release bad news to the public, it would help if you are not ugly.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck. An arrow killed you, they would never solve the crime. "Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way."

I saw a seagull hanging out by a lake, but I said, "Don't worry, Dude. I won't say anything."

I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.

I went to a tent store. "What kind of tent do you need?" "Circus."

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

I don't like grouper fish. Well, they're okay. They hang around star fish. Because they're grouper fish.

When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn't get out, something is seriously wrong.

I went to the airport, I put my bag in the x-ray machine, I found out my bag has cancer. It only has six more months to hold stuff.

I don't get the regular AIDS test anymore. I get the roundabout AIDS test. I ask my friend Brian, "Do you know anybody who has AIDS?". He says, "No". I say, "Cool, because you know me."

Snake eyes is a gambling term, and an animal term, too.