Quotes & Jokes by Mitch Hedberg / page 9

I don't like grouper fish. Well, they're okay. They hang around star fish. Because they're grouper fish.

A sleeping bag is a tortilla for a human.

I saw a seagull hanging out by a lake, but I said, "Don't worry, Dude. I won't say anything."

I had a paper route when I was a kid. I was supposed to go to 2,000 houses. Or two dumpsters.

I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.

This one guy said, "Look at that girl. She's got a nice butt." I said, "Yeah, I bet she can sit down excellently!"

Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier'n helpin' 'em move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load shit into a truck.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck. An arrow killed you, they would never solve the crime. "Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way."

If you have to release bad news to the public, it would help if you are not ugly.

I went to a tent store. "What kind of tent do you need?" "Circus."

I went to the airport, I put my bag in the x-ray machine, I found out my bag has cancer. It only has six more months to hold stuff.

I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

Snake eyes is a gambling term, and an animal term, too.

I use the word totally too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different but has the same meaning. Mitch do you like submarine sandwiches? All-encompassingly!