Quotes & Jokes by Mitch Hedberg / page 9

I don't like grouper fish. Well, they're okay. They hang around star fish. Because they're grouper fish.

I sit at my hotel at night, I think of something that's funny, then I go get a pen and I write it down. Or if the pen's too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of ain't funny.

I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn't get out, something is seriously wrong.

I don't wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

People ask me for my autograph after a show. I'm not famous, I think they're messing with me. I think they're trying to make me late for something.

My girlfriend is named Lynn. She spells her name "Lynn". My old girlfriend's name is Lyn, too, but she spells it "Lyn". Every now and then I screw up, I call my new girlfriend by my old girlfriend's name, and she can tell because I don't say "n" as long.

I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone needs to get a hold of me they just say, "Mitch," and I say, "what" and turn my head slightly.

I don’t have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.

I spilled some vodka on the carpet, and I vacuumed it up, and the vacuum got drunk. I had to take the Hoover to detox.

I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.

It's hard to dance if you just your lost wallet. "Whoa! Where's my wallet? But, hey this song is funky."

I had a paper route when I was a kid. I was supposed to go to 2,000 houses. Or two dumpsters.