Quotes & Jokes by Mitch Hedberg / page 9
You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.
I sit at my hotel at night, I think of something that's funny, then I go get a pen and I write it down. Or if the pen's too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of ain't funny.
My girlfriend is named Lynn. She spells her name "Lynn". My old girlfriend's name is Lyn, too, but she spells it "Lyn". Every now and then I screw up, I call my new girlfriend by my old girlfriend's name, and she can tell because I don't say "n" as long.
I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone needs to get a hold of me they just say, "Mitch," and I say, "what" and turn my head slightly.
I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.
I don’t have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.
When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn't get out, something is seriously wrong.
I went to the store and bought eight apples; the clerk said, "Do you want these in a bag?" I said, "Oh, no, man, I juggle."
People ask me for my autograph after a show. I'm not famous, I think they're messing with me. I think they're trying to make me late for something.
I make myself a bowl of instant oatmeal, and then I don't do anything for an hour. Why do I need the instant oatmeal? I could get the regular oatmeal and feel productive.
It's hard to dance if you just your lost wallet. "Whoa! Where's my wallet? But, hey this song is funky."