Quotes & Jokes by Mitch Hedberg / page 9
I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.
A fly was very close to being called a land, because that's what it does half the time.
I don't get the regular AIDS test anymore. I get the roundabout AIDS test. I ask my friend Brian, "Do you know anybody who has AIDS?". He says, "No". I say, "Cool, because you know me."
People ask me for my autograph after a show. I'm not famous, I think they're messing with me. I think they're trying to make me late for something.
I don’t have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.
I lived in an apartment, and I had a neighbor. I knew that whenever he knocked on the wall, he wanted me to turn my music down. I'd mess with his head. I'd say, "Go around. I cannot open the wall!"
It's hard to dance if you just your lost wallet. "Whoa! Where's my wallet? But, hey this song is funky."
I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.
I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.
I spilled some vodka on the carpet, and I vacuumed it up, and the vacuum got drunk. I had to take the Hoover to detox.
I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone needs to get a hold of me they just say, "Mitch," and I say, "what" and turn my head slightly.
I had a paper route when I was a kid. I was supposed to go to 2,000 houses. Or two dumpsters.
I went to the airport, I put my bag in the x-ray machine, I found out my bag has cancer. It only has six more months to hold stuff.