Quotes & Jokes by Mitch Hedberg / page 9

I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.

I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.

When we were on acid, we would go into the woods, because there was less chance that you would run into an authority figure. But we ran into a bear. My friend Duane was there, raising his right hand, swearing to help prevent forest fires. He told me, "Mitchell, Smokey is way more intense in person!"

I spilled some vodka on the carpet, and I vacuumed it up, and the vacuum got drunk. I had to take the Hoover to detox.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

I don't like grouper fish. Well, they're okay. They hang around star fish. Because they're grouper fish.

I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.

I had a paper route when I was a kid. I was supposed to go to 2,000 houses. Or two dumpsters.

I don't get the regular AIDS test anymore. I get the roundabout AIDS test. I ask my friend Brian, "Do you know anybody who has AIDS?". He says, "No". I say, "Cool, because you know me."

I went to a tent store. "What kind of tent do you need?" "Circus."

I went to the airport, I put my bag in the x-ray machine, I found out my bag has cancer. It only has six more months to hold stuff.

Snake eyes is a gambling term, and an animal term, too.

If you have to release bad news to the public, it would help if you are not ugly.

When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn't get out, something is seriously wrong.

I use the word totally too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different but has the same meaning. Mitch do you like submarine sandwiches? All-encompassingly!