Quotes & Jokes by Mitch Hedberg / page 9
People ask me for my autograph after a show. I'm not famous, I think they're messing with me. I think they're trying to make me late for something.
I don’t have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.
It's hard to dance if you just your lost wallet. "Whoa! Where's my wallet? But, hey this song is funky."
I have some speakers up here, thank God, because last night I didn't have them and I was telling jokes and I had no idea which joke I was telling. So I told jokes twice. I even told that one twice.
I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.
I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.
I spilled some vodka on the carpet, and I vacuumed it up, and the vacuum got drunk. I had to take the Hoover to detox.
I had a paper route when I was a kid. I was supposed to go to 2,000 houses. Or two dumpsters.
I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.
When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn't get out, something is seriously wrong.
I went to the airport, I put my bag in the x-ray machine, I found out my bag has cancer. It only has six more months to hold stuff.
I lived in an apartment, and I had a neighbor. I knew that whenever he knocked on the wall, he wanted me to turn my music down. I'd mess with his head. I'd say, "Go around. I cannot open the wall!"