Quotes & Jokes by Mitch Hedberg / page 9

I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.

I lived in an apartment, and I had a neighbor. I knew that whenever he knocked on the wall, he wanted me to turn my music down. I'd mess with his head. I'd say, "Go around. I cannot open the wall!"

I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry, and that's extra scary to me. There's a large out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. Look out, he's fuzzy! Let's get out of here!

It's weird... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then?

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

I bought a scratch off lottery ticket, but then I accidentally spilled calamine lotion on it, so it did not need to be scratched. Shoot! I will not know if I have won!

Snake eyes is a gambling term, and an animal term, too.

I make myself a bowl of instant oatmeal, and then I don't do anything for an hour. Why do I need the instant oatmeal? I could get the regular oatmeal and feel productive.

I sit at my hotel at night, I think of something that's funny, then I go get a pen and I write it down. Or if the pen's too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of ain't funny.

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

If I was a mechanic and someone called me and said their car would not start, I would say, "Hey - maybe a killer is after you!"

I had a paper route when I was a kid. I was supposed to go to 2,000 houses. Or two dumpsters.

Dogs are forever in the push up postion.