Quotes & Jokes by Mitch Hedberg / page 9

I lived in an apartment, and I had a neighbor. I knew that whenever he knocked on the wall, he wanted me to turn my music down. I'd mess with his head. I'd say, "Go around. I cannot open the wall!"

I went to the store and bought eight apples; the clerk said, "Do you want these in a bag?" I said, "Oh, no, man, I juggle."

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.

I bought a scratch off lottery ticket, but then I accidentally spilled calamine lotion on it, so it did not need to be scratched. Shoot! I will not know if I have won!

I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people.

I make myself a bowl of instant oatmeal, and then I don't do anything for an hour. Why do I need the instant oatmeal? I could get the regular oatmeal and feel productive.

I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

It's weird... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then?

If I was a mechanic and someone called me and said their car would not start, I would say, "Hey - maybe a killer is after you!"

Snake eyes is a gambling term, and an animal term, too.

I sit at my hotel at night, I think of something that's funny, then I go get a pen and I write it down. Or if the pen's too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of ain't funny.

When I was a boy, I laid in my twin size bed, wondering where my brother was.

You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.

I ate one anchovy, and that is why I did not eat two anchovies.