Quotes & Jokes by Mitch Hedberg / page 9

A sleeping bag is a tortilla for a human.

It's weird... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then?

Snake eyes is a gambling term, and an animal term, too.

I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

I make myself a bowl of instant oatmeal, and then I don't do anything for an hour. Why do I need the instant oatmeal? I could get the regular oatmeal and feel productive.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.

I went to the store and bought eight apples; the clerk said, "Do you want these in a bag?" I said, "Oh, no, man, I juggle."

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.

I sit at my hotel at night, I think of something that's funny, then I go get a pen and I write it down. Or if the pen's too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of ain't funny.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.

I don’t have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.

People ask me for my autograph after a show. I'm not famous, I think they're messing with me. I think they're trying to make me late for something.