Quotes & Jokes by Mitch Hedberg / page 11

I would like to go fishing and catch a fishstick. That would be convenient.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck. An arrow killed you, they would never solve the crime. "Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way."

I was in a convenience store, reading a magazine. The clerk told me, "this is not a library!" "OK! I will talk louder, then!"

If I was a mechanic and someone called me and said their car would not start, I would say, "Hey - maybe a killer is after you!"

When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.

I have a roommate, and I signed a year lease. I screwed up! That's like I wrote a joke that didn't work, but now I have to tell it for a year.

I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

I read that MTV's Real World got 40,000 applications. That's amazing, such an even number. You would have thought it would be 40,008.

Sometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I'm throwing a Frisbee.

I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people.

I'm an ice sculptor. Last night I made a cube.

Yeah, I'm not into sports. If someone told me I had athlete's foot, I'd say that's not my foot!

I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once.

Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.