Quotes & Jokes by Mitch Hedberg / page 11

Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.

All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.

I can read minds, but I'm illiterate.

When you go to a bar that has a black light, everybody looks cool. Except for me, because I was under the impression that the mustard stain came out.

I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.

If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.

If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work.

I ate one anchovy, and that is why I did not eat two anchovies.

I read that MTV's Real World got 40,000 applications. That's amazing, such an even number. You would have thought it would be 40,008.

I went to the store and bought eight apples; the clerk said, "Do you want these in a bag?" I said, "Oh, no, man, I juggle."

I miss the $2 bill, 'cause I can break a two. $20, no. $10, no. $5, maybe, $2? Oh yeah. What do you need, a one and another one?

I'm an ice sculptor. Last night I made a cube.

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

My manager said, "Don't use liquor as a crutch!" I can't use liquor as a crutch, because a crutch helps me walk.