Quotes & Jokes by Mitch Hedberg / page 11
When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn't get out, something is seriously wrong.
It's hard to dance if you just your lost wallet. "Whoa! Where's my wallet? But, hey this song is funky."
Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier'n helpin' 'em move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load shit into a truck.
I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.
I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before.
I rented a car. I didn't really need one, I just wanted to make one less available. I wanted one businessman on the bus with no car.
I use the word totally too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different but has the same meaning. Mitch do you like submarine sandwiches? All-encompassingly!
When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.
When you go to a bar that has a black light, everybody looks cool. Except for me, because I was under the impression that the mustard stain came out.
I have a roommate, and I signed a year lease. I screwed up! That's like I wrote a joke that didn't work, but now I have to tell it for a year.
Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck. An arrow killed you, they would never solve the crime. "Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way."
If you can't sleep, count sheep. Don't count endangered animals. You will run out.
I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.
My manager said, "Don't use liquor as a crutch!" I can't use liquor as a crutch, because a crutch helps me walk.