Quotes & Jokes by Mitch Hedberg / page 11

When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.

If I was a mechanic and someone called me and said their car would not start, I would say, "Hey - maybe a killer is after you!"

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck. An arrow killed you, they would never solve the crime. "Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way."

I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once.

If you can't sleep, count sheep. Don't count endangered animals. You will run out.

I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

Sometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I'm throwing a Frisbee.

When you go to a bar that has a black light, everybody looks cool. Except for me, because I was under the impression that the mustard stain came out.

I ate one anchovy, and that is why I did not eat two anchovies.

I was in a convenience store, reading a magazine. The clerk told me, "this is not a library!" "OK! I will talk louder, then!"

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

I have a roommate, and I signed a year lease. I screwed up! That's like I wrote a joke that didn't work, but now I have to tell it for a year.

I read that MTV's Real World got 40,000 applications. That's amazing, such an even number. You would have thought it would be 40,008.

Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.