Quotes & Jokes by Mitch Hedberg / page 11

It's hard to dance if you just your lost wallet. "Whoa! Where's my wallet? But, hey this song is funky."

I went to the airport, I put my bag in the x-ray machine, I found out my bag has cancer. It only has six more months to hold stuff.

Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier'n helpin' 'em move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load shit into a truck.

When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.

I went to a tent store. "What kind of tent do you need?" "Circus."

I use the word totally too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different but has the same meaning. Mitch do you like submarine sandwiches? All-encompassingly!

I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before.

When you go to a bar that has a black light, everybody looks cool. Except for me, because I was under the impression that the mustard stain came out.

I have a roommate, and I signed a year lease. I screwed up! That's like I wrote a joke that didn't work, but now I have to tell it for a year.

I would like to go fishing and catch a fishstick. That would be convenient.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck. An arrow killed you, they would never solve the crime. "Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way."

If you can't sleep, count sheep. Don't count endangered animals. You will run out.

A lot of people don't know it, but onions make me sad!

I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask where they’re goin’ and hook up with them later.

I rented a car. I didn't really need one, I just wanted to make one less available. I wanted one businessman on the bus with no car.