Quotes & Jokes by Mitch Hedberg / page 11

I would like to go fishing and catch a fishstick. That would be convenient.

I have a roommate, and I signed a year lease. I screwed up! That's like I wrote a joke that didn't work, but now I have to tell it for a year.

Sometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I'm throwing a Frisbee.

Yeah, I'm not into sports. If someone told me I had athlete's foot, I'd say that's not my foot!

I'm an ice sculptor. Last night I made a cube.

If I was a mechanic and someone called me and said their car would not start, I would say, "Hey - maybe a killer is after you!"

I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.

I make myself a bowl of instant oatmeal, and then I don't do anything for an hour. Why do I need the instant oatmeal? I could get the regular oatmeal and feel productive.

I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.

If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work.

When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.

I can read minds, but I'm illiterate.

I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask where they’re goin’ and hook up with them later.