Quotes & Jokes by Mitch Hedberg / page 11

A lot of people don't know it, but onions make me sad!

I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once.

Sometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I'm throwing a Frisbee.

I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before.

I ate one anchovy, and that is why I did not eat two anchovies.

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

When you go to a bar that has a black light, everybody looks cool. Except for me, because I was under the impression that the mustard stain came out.

I read that MTV's Real World got 40,000 applications. That's amazing, such an even number. You would have thought it would be 40,008.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck. An arrow killed you, they would never solve the crime. "Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way."

I use the word totally too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different but has the same meaning. Mitch do you like submarine sandwiches? All-encompassingly!

I would like to go fishing and catch a fishstick. That would be convenient.

If you can't sleep, count sheep. Don't count endangered animals. You will run out.

I have a roommate, and I signed a year lease. I screwed up! That's like I wrote a joke that didn't work, but now I have to tell it for a year.

I was in a convenience store, reading a magazine. The clerk told me, "this is not a library!" "OK! I will talk louder, then!"

Yeah, I'm not into sports. If someone told me I had athlete's foot, I'd say that's not my foot!